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Darkly Dreaming Demographic.

Where weird shit hits bizarre fans.

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Dr Sleep – Review

I went into this movie totally unbiased, I like the original shining, not a huge fan of Stephen King though, I think his writing is hacky, ok well that’s an understatement I think his face should be next to the definition of a hack writer. I don’t even really like most of the film adaptations of his work, I’m just aware of them but I can’t think of many that are very memorable other than as memes. Like Misery is an ok movie but I wouldn’t watch it more than once, same with Pet cemetery and silver bullet, they’re ok movies but they’re not something you keep coming back to. In a lot of ways once you’ve seen one King movie you’ve sort of seen them. And after some tepid reviews on youtube I thought this was movie was going to pass me by.

But that being said I have watched the shining quite a few times and I could see myself watching this again and again but it was just such a fun, cool movie. I really unironically enjoyed every minute of it. It was fun, interesting, heartfelt, sad at times, shocking at others but it constantly kept me engaged and interested and had some real ‘hell yes’ moments which were surprising. It succeeds not only in being a sequel to a great movie but also in being it’s own movie entirely. This is to the Shining what Aliens is to Alien. It’s not copying the previous movie, it evolved from it into something new and all together interesting in its own right and I really respect that.

So the movie is set after the shining and the main character is a grown up Danny Torrence played by Ewan Mcgregor. Danny is tormented by the spirits of the dead and the death of his own mother and thus driven to alcohol and substance abuse which seems like a logical response. But as fate would have it he gets a second chance and finds meaning and friendship working in hospice care helping the elderly come to terms with death and it’s both really sweet and heart rending. Me and my brother joked that this could also serve as a weird sequel to Sixth sense haha.

But at the same time this is happening you’re also following a gang of literal fucking vampires as they trek across america in camper vans like Near Dark recruiting and turning other people who shine and brutally torture and kill children to suck out their shine which they call ‘steam’. Basically how this idea has evolved in the sequel is that shine is like a literal substance and I know what you’re thinking, star wars and medicloreans and yeah I thought the same (that and it being Ewan Mcgregor again haha) but this goes in a much cooler direction with it. Because it turns out that people like Danny have existed for a long time and you can live a long time if you drain this power from others like you. So this group of basically psychic vampires seek out children to drain of their essence. The reason they target children is because the steam is pure and untainted and the first time they do it they sort of cut away but the next time you see them do it they literally slice this kid to pieces torturing him because pain and fear purifies the steam.

Now the first part of the movie just with Danny putting his life together could be a movie on it’s own, it’s sweet and interesting and sort of horrifying, it could’ve just been a nice supernatural drama oscar bait movie but you add this second layer with the psychic vampires and it almost becomes a bad ass Carpenter movie. It’s such a cool direction to take it in.

I really liked the villains because they seem almost like anime villains like the vampires in Near Dark but also really normal at the same time. They don’t seem or look like monsters, especially the main villain but she’s a fucking psycho who takes pleasure in cutting up kids basically. They’re all sort of believable and understandable, they see themselves almost as forces of nature, not as good or evil or monsters.

You have this great dichotomy between Danny’s story and the villains and you’re just waiting for them to collide. It makes me miss this type of film making, any other film maker would show you the villain once and then you wouldn’t see them again for an hour but in this you follow them almost as much as Danny which I love because you’re really getting to know all the vital characters.

The story is pretty simple in that Danny basically becomes psychic pen pals with this really powerful little girl during the eight years he’s putting his life back together. But during that time the little girl has come onto the radar of the vampires after she psychically witnesses one of their murders so now they want her because she has more steam than they’ve ever seen before. Because there’s a plot line basically where they haven’t been eating very well lately, the steam is drying up, they’ve been living on scraps so they’re sort of desperate for a big score.

The little girl called Abra reaches out to Danny to help her against the vampires so this is where the movie goes from interesting and fun to fucking awesome haha. It essentially becomes a really cool vampire movie with psychic powers and of all the ways this could’ve been done it happens in the best way possible. This could’ve been really silly like a stupid comic book movie, I wont spoil it but the confrontations with the actual vampires are really cool and grounded and awesome and hard hitting and clever. The end fight puts a nice capstone on the first movie without shitty sequel bait.

The movie very tastefully uses things from the original shining, it borrows from it and references in a way that is very respectful of the original. Sure they use new actors to play his mother and father and Dick Halorann but the performances are very subdued and they’ve picked actors that look a lot like them and they’re used sparingly.

Now a lot of people me included would be forgiven for saying “The shining doesn’t need a sequel” and you’d be totally right and there are lots of old movies that get sequels nobody asked for that serve just to squeeze money out of an old franchise manipulating people with nostalgia. This is probably 99% of the time but there is the 1% that is exception to the rule and this and maybe the Blade Runner sequel (which is hotly contested) are sequels that add to the original movie but are entirely their own movies and are good in their own right. Doctor Sleep is that in spades.

Like I could watch Doctor Sleep never having watched the shining and still enjoy it. You could show someone who’s never read King or watched a single one of his movie adaptations and they will enjoy this movie. The acting is great, the story and premise are fun, the action is surprisingly good, the effects are decent. Now I’m not gonna bullshit you and say the camera work and cinematography are on the level of Kubrick but they emulate him slightly and are competent. It’s not trying to copy the original, only call back to it for context.

In summary there’s no reason you shouldn’t see this movie, if you like supernatural thrillers, if you’re a King fan or just like the Shining or even if you like Near Dark or Scanners and weird fun movies like that. Hell if you just like Ewan McGregor go see this movie, I can’t think of a single bad thing to say about, I kinda wish it was a tv show just so we could have more of it, it’s such a cool premise. But as a movie it’s a perfect package, made by people who know how to make movies.
To a lot of people this will feel like an older movie because it follows a proper formula, film makers today try to subvert story telling conventions thinking they’re above them but they can’t see those conventions are there for a reason and without them movies just feel like a sloppy unsatisfying mess. You will come out of this movie satisfied you watched a real movie. This is without a doubt my movie of 2019, go see it.

Starship troopers pilot scene 6 (+propaganda)

Ok so good news bad news, well mostly bad news. 

Yeah you might have heard that they’re actually already doing a starship troopers fucking tv show. So fuck me right, someone stole my idea, plucked it right out of my head while I slept, those evil goblins. 

But you know there’s also ‘hey they’re making a starship troopers show, this is awesome, I love starship troopers’ yeah well about that. I heard the guys who made the movie are coming back to make it including Casper Van Dees (however you spell that guys name. Really dutch name though like mine, I should know how to spell it haha).

And a normie fan of starship troopers would be like ‘omg that’s amazeballs’ but your cynic realist like me is much more jaded. Obviously it’s fucking amazing to get the actual stars of the original movie to come back for a tv show, the problem lies in them reprising their roles. See this sounds nuts, you’re asking “Why wouldn’t they reprise their roles?”.

The reason they shouldn’t reprise their roles is because no one wants to see a 50+ year old white dude running around and being the hero of a sci-fi action show. Sure I would watch that if he were head of Rico’s roughnecks but more than likely whats going to happen is he’ll be a general who’ll be in a few episodes and the main cast will be all new characters most likely extremely racially and genderly (that’s a word I made up) diverse circa 2019 i.e there probably wont be a white male lead haha. I mean it’s not a huge problem, well it is considering the biggest demographic of sci fi fans are also white males looking to live vicariously through the main character and we’re currently seeing how the new star trek and star wars is totally tanking as they made their central characters women for no other reason but trying to straddle two demographics and pander to women. And yeah I saw the new star wars nine trailer and no I still don’t care.

Which from a marketing perspective makes perfect sense, you assume white straight men are baked into the cake so you then try to get women and other groups of people on board. The problem is white men are the biggest group and if you lose them in the process you’re fucked. And that’s not even mentioning the story and characters so while you’re juggling your target audience the story and other stuff still has to be good.

And will the story of this be good? I don’t know because there’s almost no way it could be based on the book. Maybe it could be based on the comic books, that would be cool. But I just don’t know. I’m glad it’s happening but I think 2019 in the era of Trump is the wrong time for it to be good. I think it’s going to be a bit silly and counter signal trump a lot in a ridiculous way. I don’t think they could resist that since it’s basically a fascist dictatorship in space. So expect hammy political nonsense chucked in, I dunno it could be ok, but I doubt it.

On the otherhand I just saw the trailer for the Mandalorian and that actually looks pretty good and believe it or not the main character is a huhwhite male which in 2019 is like wtf? Because as soon as I heard the main character wasn’t Boba or Jango Fett I was like ‘Oh here comes the black lesbian bounty hunter’ haha. And I was watching the trailer and they didn’t show him without the helmet and I was like ‘yup it’s gonna be a black chick haha’ but no it’s actually a guy and I think the casting is perfect. Because they picked someone who’s not too famous but he’s just famous and interesting enough to carry a show. He’s just been in a few indie movies and played bit parts in some big movies so he’s at the perfect point in his career to be the vehicle for this. And he is a huhwhite male but he’s a huhwhite male through the backdoor haha. 

Because he has a hispanic name and he looks a little hispanic and he has a spanish accent but he’s actually chilean spanish. So the dude is white and I was coincidentally watching a movie called ‘the prospector’ last night that he was in and his american accent is flawless and he’s a fantastic actor and would be perfect to play the mandalorian for a number of reasons.

I think his face and the way he talks and acts is perfect for playing an anti-hero because he has this sort of nice soft sort of face where he looks a bit like Nathan Fillion but he also has a ruggedness to him and a tone of his voice where you can see him being a villain. So he does this perfect balancing act between likeable and sort of sleazy and I think that’s exactly what you want from an underworld space bounty hunter/merc.

I really just have no idea how this Cassian Andor show is going to go up against this, surely they’ll have to cancel it. There’s no way that show can go up against this, I mean it’s made by Jon Favreau and it’s tangentially about the most beloved and under served character in the star wars universe. Everyone loves Boba fett and mandalorians. And who the hell is Cassian Andor? He’s mexican Han solo no one asked for. Makes me think the Han solo movie would’ve been better as a series actually. Because I actually didn’t hate that movie, I thought the casting was pretty good and the movie was pretty fun. Pointless but fun.

Ok so yeah it sucks, in an alternate universe where I had cash and connections and any social skills and I was born in L.A I would’ve made a bomb ass starship troopers show that would’ve stayed faithful to the book and the expanded universe and built out from that but ya know, maybe it’ll be good.

Anyway enough ranting, gotta look for a new job haha.

See you…

ExT. A park. Day

 

 

A small blonde child with his back turned to the camera is playing in the park.

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

Hey there little Timmy

 

 

Little Timmy

 

 

Hey there mister

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

Say Timmy do you like little puppies?

 

 

LITTLe TIMMY

 

 

I sure do mister!

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

Well get a load of this!

 

 

A cybernetically enhanced battle dog jumps over a rock.

 

 

Little timmy

 

 

Woah

that’s so cool.

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

Yes it is Timmy. Wanna know how you get an awesome neodog like this.

 

 

LiTTLe TIMMY

 

 

I sure do mister.

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

Join the mobile infantry’s

K9

division and you’ll get a cybernetic uplink to your faithful pooch so you can do your part together!

 

 

LITTLE TIMMY

 

 

That’s so cool, where can I sign up?

 

 

VoICE OVER

 

 

Maybe when you’re a little older Timmy.

 

 

LiTTLE TIMMY

 

 

Aww

shucks.

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

Why don’t you say hello to this little guy in the mean time.

 

 

The kid is handed a cute little puppy.

 

 

LitTLE TIMMY

 

 

Yay!

 

 

The kid and the puppy roll around on the floor giggling.

 

 

LITTLE TIMMY (

CONT’D

)

 

 

(

looking

at the camera) I’m doing my part.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Int. Inside someone’s bedroom. Day.

 

 

A normal looking guy is looking down staring at an intranet screen.

 

 

VoICE OVER

 

 

Why so glum non-citizen.

 

 

Guy

 

 

I missed the execution of that deviant pornographer.

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

Don’t worry non-citizen, we’re streaming round the clock executions on the

fednet

with highlights of the best executions and corporal punishment in federal space.

 

 

A video clip of the pornographer being shot by firing squad appears.

 

 

GuY

 

 

Awesome!

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

Would you like to know more?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ExT. Outside a federal brothel. day.

 

 

A

schlubby

looking guy is trying to get into a brothel. It’s a big square building that looks more like an office. Grey stone but with flashy

neons

signs outside.

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

Where do you think you’re going non-citizen?

 

 

GUY

 

 

Oh I was just…

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

Federal brothels are servicemen and citizens only.

 

 

GUY

 

 

But I…

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

Talk to the hand non-citizen.

 

 

The non-citizen walks away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

InT. Inside the federal brothel.

 

 

The federal brothel is a stark building where women are behind glass in what looks like a human vending machine.

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

One of the many perks of federal service is enjoying a federation joy centre.

 

 

One of the federal sex workers dressed in a sexy faux uniform smiles at the camera.

 

 

VOICE OVER (

CONT’D

)

 

 

Remember not all service roles have to be in combat.

 

 

Federal sex worker

 

 

I’m doing my part!

 

 

VOICE OVER

 

 

Hahaha

That’s the spirit!

 

 

VOICE OVER (

CONT’D

)

 

 

(In fast small print voice) Federal sex work does not guarantee citizenship)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

InT. Recruiting station. Day.

 

 

Carmem

, Karl and Johnny head to the reception of the recruitment centre to join up for federal service. A vet with one arm and no legs is behind the desk.

 

 

KARL

 

 

Good morning, I want to join up.

 

 

RICO

 

 

Me too!

 

 

The officer at the desk looks past them at Carmen.

 

 

Desk sergeant

 

 

Good morning, young lady. What can I do for you?

 

 

CARMEN

 

 

I want to join up too. I wanna be a pilot.

 

 

DeSK SERGEANT

 

 

Good girl! You look like a pilot. If you’ll just head up to room 201 and ask for Major

Rojas

she’ll take care of you.

 

 

CARMEN

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

Carmen heads off to be tested.

 

 

The desk sergeant turns back sullenly to the boys.

 

 

DeSK SERGEANT

 

 

So?

 

 

RICO

 

 

I want to be a pilot too.

 

 

DESK SERGEANT

 

 

You?

 

 

KarL

 

 

I’m interested in the Research and Development Corps.

 

 

DeSK SERGEANT

 

 

Do either of you boys understand why they have me out here?

 

 

KaRL

 

 

Why?

 

 

DeSK SERGEANT

 

 

Because the government doesn’t care if you join up because you think it’s ‘cool’.

 

 

DeSK SERGEANT (

CONT’D

)

 

 

Think all the girls will swoon because you have a fancy ribbon in your lapel and you can tell people you’re a vet whether you saw combat or not.

 

 

DESK SERGEANT (

CONT’D

)

 

 

We’ve already got too many recruits than we know what do with, you think you have what it takes to be a real soldier.

 

 

RICO

 

 

No.

 

 

DeSK SERGEANT

 

 

Then go back home, go to college, get married, have kids.

 

 

DeSK SERGEANT (

CONT’D

)

 

 

I can’t tell you what to do, it’s your constitutional right to join up and claim full citizenship.

 

 

The desk sergeant wheels around to show them his missing legs.

 

 

DeSK SERGEANT (

CONT’D

)

 

 

They put me out here to scare people like you away.

 

 

DeSK SERGEANT (

CONT’D

)

 

 

Take your pretty girlfriend that just went, I hope she makes it but if she doesn’t they take her anyway and she could be shipped off to

antartica

and not see natural light for two years, doing nasty dirty work.

 

 

DeSK SERGEANT (

CONT’D

)

 

 

If you don’t make it,

that’ll

sound like paradise compared to whatever they might give you.

 

 

DESK SERGEANT (

CONT’D

)

 

 

Look at me, this is what service can buy you, if not the whole farm.

 

 

DeSK SERGEANT (

CONT’D

)

 

 

But I was lucky, you might not be so lucky.

 

 

DESK SERGEANT (

CONT’D

)

 

 

This is not a vacation.

 

 

DeSK SERGEANT (

CONT’D

)

 

 

So,

what’ll

it be?

 

 

KaRL

 

 

I’m here to join up.

 

 

RiCO

 

 

Me too!

 

 

I’m back and kind of a Han Solo review I guess. (Not very savage)

Yeah so that day job kaffufle is over and I can get back to my one true love, writing about weird shit and complaining about various forms of media for no money haha.

Just gonna blog about stuff today, I have some content but I’ll put it out tomorrow so just typing this thinking about what I need to do today and also trying to think of things to say about the Han Solo movie that haven’t already been said. Probably the most surprising of all the fact I didn’t hate it, in fact I rather liked it.

I know right, that is pretty shocking. I think maybe it’s because I had such low expectations of it, but I also had really low expectations of last jedi and rogue one and I still thought they sucked.

Anyway this is gonna be laden with spoilers because this movie has been out for awhile so if you’re reading this I’m assuming you’ve already seen it or don’t care.

The first scenes aren’t great and I feel like some of the references and jokes fell flat but on a whole I found the movie fun and inoffensive. And what’s more some of the things people complained about in the movie seemed kind of trite in the context of the film.

The first thing that comes to mind is Donglover’s Billy Dee impression, which was a little cheesey at times but didn’t ruin the movie on the whole. His character was ok, all the characters were pretty likeable and fun. I liked Alden Errenreich’s Han, I thought it was very accurate without trying too hard. Another complaint was the annoying robot side kick L337 who reviewers hated because she’s like an sjw robot. But I felt the way she was presented was for comedy. I didn’t feel like the movie was putting her up as a character to be taken seriously. And it made me think the people complaining just didn’t get the joke, or it was too subtle.

I actually think L3 is mocking sjws, not glorifying them. She’s kind of a C3PO type character, just a silly robot extra who’s not meant to be taken seriously. Just a wacky broken robot who thinks its a person. We’re never meant to take anything 3PO says seriously or see him as a representation of a thing or an idea. So I don’t get why L3 is taken as that. Maybe some of her scenes were cut but she isn’t even in it very long so I think the hate for her is totally overblown as she was never given enough screen time to get annoying. I just think people are overreacting because of the subject matter and it was just a harmless joke, not meant to be taken seriously.

The story is kind of meh and it feels more like Dredd as in a day in the life biopic instead of an epic story. The action is serviceable but I feel like so much is held back as sequel bait which weakens the film. It references Bosque but never shows him, why not? Is Bosque such an important character he can’t be in another star wars movie? What about Boba Fett? And yes spoilers, darth Maul is in it very briefly and I couldn’t help thinking why he wasn’t just in it. Like what is so special about these characters they can’t just be in the movie but have to be hinted at and shoved to the side? I really hate that shit, sequel bait nonsense, just put them in the fucking movie or don’t mention them. Its not clever, its just irritating.

I just really wish they would stop making movies already thinking they’re gonna get a sequel. You should make a movie like it’s the only one and throw everything at it, put all your ideas into it and make it work. Because as it stands the biggest problem in this movie is it has no real villains. And the only villain we really get is Draydon Voss I think his name was which is Paul Bettany’s character but he’s literally only in it for like two scenes.

He’s in it for his introduction scene and then again for his death scene. And that’s one of the things that really lets this movie down, it’s pacing. It just seems too fast, you’re never quite out of one scene or plot point and you’re already in another and I think there needed to be more breathing room and more building of characters definitely of the villains.
Because the other would be villain is Emfiss ness, however you spell that and again she’s only in it for a handful of scenes and then is revealed to not be the bad guy after all and it’s all sort of anticlimactic.

I really wanted there to be some lightsaber action, if not from darth maul himself then from an apprentice with like a lightsaber knife and you basically get that with Draydon Voss. He’s a decent villain, I just wish he was a little more fleshed out.

But in the same breath I can sort of justify this movie not having a villain relation to it not having a hero. Han out right tells us that he’s not a hero, he’s not the good guy. So it stands to reason that a movie about grey areas has no moustache twirling villain. It’s not a typical star wars movie about good and evil black and white, it’s sitting comfortably in the middle and in some regards that can feel a little unsatisfying but I guess it works.

Overrall I liked the movie, it looks nice, the acting was good, the action was decent, the ending was pretty cool. I expected it to be a lot cheesier and unbearable to watch but it really wasn’t. It was kind of like rogue one but good. Rogue one if it had any sense of fun and interesting characters and wasn’t just a dull gloomy slog that tried to trick you with a a stupid darth vader scene that got idiots clapping like trained seals despite ruining the cannon entrance of the original film.

The weaknesses of the movie I could see were that Han didn’t really have an arc he was pretty much the same character throughout. It kind of hints at a change towards the end, or well maybe it has a subtle arc because he’s sort of more trusting and happy go lucky at the start but learns not to trust people and shoots down his mentor in a reference to the Guido shooting first scene.

So I guess it did have an arc just not one that was particularly groundbreaking and sort of didn’t feel earned.

I honestly think it might have made a better tv show than a film because it has a lot of potential but a movie didn’t give it a lot of room to explore that. It could have been decent if it stayed away from netflix, maybe amc or amazon could have made it work.
I think the main reason people didn’t like this movie or weren’t excited for it is because no one really asked for it. I think if this movie came out and it wasn’t a star wars movie like it was just a standalone sci fi movie called Dan Solo space guy it probably wouldn’t have been released because it’s not really that special or mindblowing. It basically rides the coat tails of the films and also doesn’t stack up well against them so it’s like a double edged sword. It wouldn’t exist without the originals but is also measured by them.
I think when you’re making a movie you have to ask yourself ‘does this story really need to be told?’ and in regards to this movie I don’t really think it did. People would have loved Han whether this movie existed or not, whether we knew how he met Chewie or not whether we knew how he got his name/blaster/waist coat or not. So without that necessity it just boils down to a movie that’s made just to make disney lots of money on action figures and really nothing else. Just a paint by numbers, mildly entertaining movie.

It’s kinda just seen as a movie that didn’t need to exist but what movie really does? Maybe my standards are slipping (fat chance haha) but I thought it was a fun popcorn movie just to turn your brain off to, maybe take the kids too. It wasn’t spectacular but it was serviceable and nice looking and fun and really that’s all you can ask for these days.

It makes me a little sad that these star wars movies aren’t going well because I can see the potential there. It’s a world too tempting not to mine but they’re just consistently coming at it from the wrong directions and milking it like a weird alien cow with blue green milk udders. And it’s reaching a point where its like they should have just left well enough alone because now Star wars is a franchise with more bad movies than good, more bad games than good. It’s a franchise that has been ground into the dirt by greedy feckless ideologues and there’s no real coming back from that. It’s like if someone asked me what I would do with the dcu right now I’d tell them to scrap it and start again. That’s all you can do at this point. But maybe don’t start it again haha.

That’s pretty much my full take on it, I probably wouldn’t watch it again but I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it. It was a fun romp, it was a long movie but I never felt bored or irritated and it ended in a satisfactory way. But herein lies the problem, should a star wars movie be just ‘satisfactory?

Anyway that’s enough from me, spent way too long on this already and just faffing about in general, trying to reset my body clock again to get my sleeping schedule back on point and thus I feel like death right now and just want to nap until doomsday.

See you…

 

Last Jedi Review (Not as much savagery as I expected)

I done did it, I saw the last jedi.

My brother, bless his bilge soaked pirate heart, he got us a really good copy on the tinterwebs so I didn’t  have to give disney anymore money.

And to be honest, I didn’t think it was that bad.

I was like everyone else fairly whelmed by the force awakens, it was a decent watch but it didn’t blow my mind, it was a retreading but a fairly competent one. Rogue one was lauded as some bold new film but I wasn’t impressed by it and it didn’t ultimately hold up. It was just a boring movie with a plot we already knew and basically a really lazy copy of the magnificent seven. It was not a good movie and it didn’t even have a thread of something decent to pull me through which is not the case with the last jedi.

As I didn’t see it in cinemas and didn’t give a shit about spoilers I’ve been bombarded for months with people shitting on this movie. I like star wars but I wouldn’t call myself a fanboy, I saw the remakes in the cinema when I was a kid and fell in love with them but I was unmoved by the prequels and when I saw these new movies coming out I didn’t really hold out much hope for them or expect much out of them. As far as I’m concerned star wars ended in the eighties and these new movies are just disney puppeting the corpse of star wars around as it decomposes and falls a part on stage.

Despite that and despite all the political bullshit shoved into the movie and the fact the producer is saying the force is female obviously trying to polarize audiences and turn star wars into a disney princess story, I didn’t think it was as bad as people made out.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty bad, the story is shit, the characters are boring and sort of pointless and there are entire parts of the movie that just don’t need to be there. But unlike Rogue one there is a kernel of something good there. There is a nice salty peanut in this pile of shit.

It has a nugget of goodness in there but in retrospect you really do have to work much harder than you should have to to find it and if I made this movie I would change huge swaths of it.

But ultimately it’s a middle movie and I don’t think Rian Johnson took too many liberties with the plot that a third movie couldn’t fix. Yeah I know people say empire strikes back is the best but it’s the third movie that will pull it all together.

I’m not giving a spoiler warning because this movie has been out for ages. Luke dies, snoke dies, leah doesn’t die, but I mean this is sci-fi, people die and come back all the time, I think you could bullshit Luke back to life, you could bring Snoke back with a robotic ass and obviously Leah should have been killed off because now she’s going to have to be cg or killed off screen because she is really dead and can’t come back which is just the worst possible scenario.

I mean these movies couldn’t be made at a worse time really and ultimately I think they shouldn’t be made because they serve no agenda but to cynically make disney money, they’re profiting off nostalgia, they’re childhood vampires sucking you dry while you sleep.

Ask yourselves if these movies needed to be made, if these agendas needed to be pushed. These movies could have been made by better, less cynical, less politically driven people and they could have been ten times more respectful to the source material and creators but they still ultimately didn’t need to be made.

That is my opinion on these movies, I don’t get why they need to exist. Why do we need a movie about Solo’s life when we were fine with him being a mystery or reading an expanded universe story about him or a comic we could throw away, do we need a mini series or a movie with some wooden pretty boy playing him so we can learn benale details some hack writer pulled out of his ass? Ooh I can’t wait to learn how he gets his blaster or how he randomly bumped into kid Luke once, no one cares and no one asked for this movie or any of them so they can only be a fairly and a lesson that somethings just need to stay buried, some things have to be sacred.

I really can’t say anymore about this movie that hasn’t been said a million times, the story is dumb, Rey is a mary sue, Luke is a bitch etc etc, I’m voting with my wallet, I won’t pay to see these movies or any disney property, I refuse to help them dismantle the coach cushion of my childhood for the pennies that may or may not be there.

And that’s that.

I’m gonna keep it short because I could literally get into every detail and rant on forever, I don’t think this movie is terrible but my expectations were pretty low going in and I just don’t care enough about it to waste the energy.

So that’s my super late review of the last jedi haha.

Peace out I guess.

 

Star Wars Rogue Y Tho?

Ok so evidently I wasn’t too hyped about this moving leaving it until now to actually watch and not spending any money to do so. And really my first thoughts are just; Why? Why does this exist?

Like seriously, I think this is the first time I’ve been watching a film and been like ‘Why am I watching this? Why would someone make this?’

The answer is obvious to anyone, it’s just money, but that makes me really sad.

The fact that this movie even exists is just so cynical and I can’t help watching it and thinking about how it feels like it was literally constructed in a board room. Even before I get down to the bare bones of why I didn’t like it, I just think it didn’t need to exist. The movie is soulless and aimless. It just exists for the sake of it. With it’s beniton advert cast with it’s token chinese person, gotta grab that chinese market there and it’s token evil white guys and cg Tarkin which was also needless.

I mean that should be your first red flag, if you need to revive not one but two people with tv voodoo you probably should just leave it alone. I know people made excuses for it but come on, it looked like crap. They could have just left him out of the movie or replaced him with a guy who just never turned around and it would have looked better than this videogame character/animated corpse. It was just wrong and anyone that says otherwise is just making excuses.

Honestly I went into this movie wanting to hate it, I really did, but any hate I could have had was overshadowed by my supreme indifference towards it. I can’t hate it because there’s nothing really substantive enough in it to hate, it’s sort of a nothing burger of a film, it’s not even really there. The characters that you’re supposed to like and care about *spoilers* and subsequently watch die are bland and uninteresting.

I couldn’t help comparing it to the magnificent seven trying to work out why that worked and this didn’t because in a way I felt it could be compared. Because you have this rag tag band of people drawn together and each person gets their own little bit where they do something brave and then die, like in magnificent seven (despite some living). But the thing about the magnificent seven is it uses it’s two hour plus screen time to build up these characters and make them distinct enough to care about them in varying degrees. I know I was more upset when Charles Bronson’s character died than I was when Red died despite the fact I liked Red but they both had their moments, their own little arcs and to see it close was meaningful and significant. It felt like a whole person died as apposed to a character or in this case a market, a buying demographic.

You don’t get that in this and what really pissed me off the most I have to say and it’s not the boring fights or the sort of stunted lame story but it’s the fact your biggest grossing actors in this case Forrest Whitaker and Mads Mikkelsen are literally in it for about two minutes collectively. And this is despite Whitaker being on the box art and promotional material.

This genuinely pissed me off because first off you see him for like a second younger when he finds, shit I was about call her Rey haha. Shows how distinctive and memorable she was as a character. Gin, he find gin and then he comes back years later with metal legs and looks like a total badass but does he get in a fight? Does he fuck, he literally gets vapourized by the death after like a minute of exposition. So that was my first red flag.

Actually no, my first red flag was why is Mads Mikkelsen in this film and why is he playing a mild mannered scientist and not some bad ass villain or sith? I mean you get one chance to use this actor, the guy who literally played hannibal and a bond villain and you use him to play some nothing character that gets killed off pointlessly and spends his like two minutes of screen time cooing over the daughter he spends all of like two seconds with.

What a waste of two great actors. You can never use either of them again now, they could have been awesome bounty hunters or assassins but no, now they’re just two dead boring guys unless they’re gonna make a prequel to this shitty movie, which I hope to christ they don’t.

That’s the main thing that really annoyed me. The casting choices just seemed to be token, just trying to find the biggest names they could get and casting them as anyone.

The other characters are ultimately forgettable even the guy who played ipman, he’s just a sort of boiled down version of any character from any kung fu movie really and he’s only there to try and make money on the chinese market. (Which they failed to do)

I didn’t care about their deaths and this is a long movie, so you had all this time to make me care about these characters and I still don’t. And this movie is actually longer than magnificent seven.

Ok onto the main character, of which her backstory fits into all of the two minutes before Forest whitaker is vapourized. So she’s the daughter of this science guy and then spends sometime off screen where she becomes the best of this guys soldiers at sixteen. Which says a lot about the rebel alliance, if their best soldier is a sixteen year old girl, you’ve got problems.

So instant Mary sue badass that everyone loves and respects and would die for check. There’s not much more I can say really, the movie is just sort of bleh, it’s cookie cutter and it was made in a board room not someone’s heart.

Gonna rant a little about the ending and the decline of hollywood and I’m out.

Right so one thing I’ve noticing about hollywood and it’s painfully obvious in this movie is the step away from moral story telling and romantic plot lines. Don’t get me wrong the romance in the prequels was cringey as fuck but to not have one in this movie was a little glaring, like why not? It’s a movie. I mean that sounds dumb, I mean just because there’s a hot guy and a hot girl in a movie doesn’t mean they should hook up. But I dunno it just made it sort of awkward at the end when they’re about to be obliterated by an orbital death lazer for them to have  a platonic hug. I was like, dude got friendzoned hard #Deathstarred.

I mean it was so odd my brother swears he remembers them kissing but they did not. It just strikes a queer note. That it would have been relatively easy to inject a moral or romantic plotline but it was purposefully left out. So this movie was more preoccupied with making a bad ass woman getting money from chinese people and signalling to fans of the original franchise than having a romance or making the female character human in anyway.

Now onto the signalling, a lot of memes I see and even my brother made a big deal about this and what we’re talking about is the end sequence when Darth Vader has a bit of a fight. I say he has a fight when it’s really just him murdering a bunch of dudes in a cool way. And yeah it was cool and I spent those brief seconds of that action thinking “Wouldn’t it be cool if the other two hours of this movie was like this?”. It was a nice little treat, like a cherry on top of a bland creampie full of empty calories.

That’s whats so bad about this movie, because it hints at the other films, you get to see the pigfaced guy from the bar scene before he gets his arm cut off and it has a little cameo from r2 and 3po and vader and tarkin but they’re not actually in the film. They don’t have an impact on the story, they’re just little extras, little titbits, window dressing, little reminders of the film you actually liked, which isn’t this.

It’s just so pathetically try hard, it’s like I’m watching a sad fan film. This is the movie equivalent of halloween harley quinn cosplayer. “Hey look at me, I’m that thing you like”. But there’s a difference between those films we liked and this film that takes the time to vaguely reference those films without having any of the memorable characters or action or story. “Hey remember those films you liked, I’m pointing at some of the characters that were in that, like me please!”

It’s just pathetic honestly. And I don’t know what’s sadder the fact the movie industry is cynical and greedy enough to roll the corpse of this franchise out into this boring nothing of a film or that audiences nevertheless pay money to watch it and will defend just because it vaguely reminds them of the films they liked but in a way that’s akin to the murderer of their grandmother wearing her skin and making you peanut butter sandwiches. It’s not your grandmother, it just looks like her sort of and that isn’t peanut butter.

I mean honestly, what next? Are they going to make a movie about c3po working on jabbas pleasure barge? Are we going to get a movie about guido shooting first? If this is the standard what can’t they make a movie about at this point?

I’d heard that these guys would be recurring as the knights of ren, this order of non-force using villains which would have been awesome. If the tone of the movie was to set up a band of villains for Rey and the gang to fight in the new movies that would have given the movie purpose and gravitas, but that seems unlikely.

It genuinely adds nothing to the star wars universe, it creates characters we don’t care about only to then kill them off with no overarching moral message or parable that makes the whole message hollow. The movie doesn’t need to exist. I mean I could understand if some of them recurred in the main arch but they all die, so what was the point? Oh right, money. I mean all my gripes with the force awakens it atleast adds new characters and plots lines to the franchise. I only really like one of them but at least it added something, this is just a completely pointless film that serves only to waylay you of your time and money in exchange for one decent Darth Vader scene.

Ok rant over haha.

 

Star Wars the force awakens the internet’s feckless crybabies.

Ok I said I would tackle this ‘issue’ just for fun, this might not be what some were expecting when I said I’d rant about the monopoly thing but who cares, this is my opinion, don’t like it write an angry comment I can ignore and go on with your day.
When I first saw this article I wasn’t that surprised. Recently it seems like the current generation are just prone waiting for the next minor injustice to be offended by. And then let everyone on twitter know what amazing progressive wunderkin they are for being offended at said non-issue first and receive the most pats on the back from their like minded drooling idiot followers.

So down to the ‘problem’ at hand, with the release of the new Star Wars movie, the force awakens. The force was awakened to a bunch of new star wars related crap parents are forced to buy their squealing offspring to secure their love for another year. One such piece of crap was a set of star wars the force awakens monopoly.

So far so good, monopoly, harmless capitalism in a box with a star wars theme, not the first time and probably wont be the last time a new set of star wars monopoly is released. But the ‘big deal’ about this new star wars and this new set of monopoly is that the new main character of this current incarnation of star wars happens to be a carrier of a holey vagina. And that said character was not featured in the set of monopoly, oh shit I should have put a trigger warning in there, I’m sure by now people are foaming at the mouth and snapping their problem glasses in half.

Obviously the internet is in an uproar, over monopoly, no seriously.
“It’s sexist” “Holy misogyny batman” “But the force awakens in Rey!” Wah wah wah, it’s just fucking monopoly, who cares? These idiots care, idiots who inject feminism and gender and race into every stupid fucking thing and just can’t let anything go.

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Here are the offensive monopoly pieces in question as you can see, not a vagina between them, what a travesty.
So the characters from left to right are; Return of the Jedi Luke Skywalker, Finn, Kylo Ren and Darth Vader.
The theme of the board game was heroes vs villains so you have two heroes vs two villains, now this to me is the first point of contention. Anyone who watched force awakens knows there was only one villain because no one counts Ron Weasley’s older brother, Captain Phasma who has like three lines and Darth Golem. They would never make good pieces to go alongside Kylo, who would want to play as Emperor Snoke? He’s not this hugely fleshed out character and he just spends the entire movie sitting down looking menacing.
The thing I think a lot of the internet’s pearl clutchers overlook is the fact that if Finn was substituted for Rey I think the shitstorm would have been equal if not worse, with Black lives matter taking a shit on Hasbro’s lawn and wiping their asses with Chewbaccas face.
Really you’re between a rock and a hard place in terms of representation, and star wars has always been poked at by race baiters and other idiots for having a white character voiced by a black man because that’s racist… for reasons.
But “hold on” say the shrill masses of the internet, “Why don’t they just have Rey and Finn?” Well yeah that would solve all the problems except the two villains required, you can’t just have Vader next to Kylo when Vader is dead in that movie, so you’d have to replace him with Phasma or Snoke.
Bare in mind this monopoly set would have been mass produced months before the movie was even in cinemas so they have no idea how well the movie will do let alone how well characters like Phasma and Snoke will track. In my opinion this is Hasbro trying to straddle two markets to insure themselves against another possible star wars flop. They decided to include Luke and Vader so as to ensure the set would sell even if the movie didn’t because Vader and Luke will always sell you can always bank on the original trilogy making money.It would have been a total gamble not including those original characters.

The other argument I hear is “Why don’t they just make more pieces?” yeah well why don’t they include a dye cast model of the bar scene in mos eisley or a life size model of the yoda training scene in the dagoba swamps? Because it would cost too much fucking money. Every company has a projection for how much money they want to make and how much they’re willing to spend and obviously four pewter figures was the maximum amount they wanted to mass produce per set because four players is the optimal amount for one game of monopoly.
And again if they included Rey who would be her adversary? There’s still only one villain in the force awakens, you can’t just have two Kylo Rens that’s dumb.
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Another ‘controversy’ from kneejerk morons on the internet was over this Millenium Falcon toy because again it doesn’t have the vagina having wonder aboard.
“SEXISM” MUH-SOGGY-KNEES!!!”

Is it though? Notice anything else missing from this piece, ahem, Han fucking Solo perhaps??
Yeah Rey and Han aren’t included because this was made long before the movies came out and probably released before or at the same time as the film and those character’s aren’t included to prevent spoilers for the movie itself. So it’s not that Finn is more important because he’s male because the fucking robot is included but Han is nowhere to be found.
But the bottom line is toys like this are aimed at boys, no matter how ‘progressive’ you are you have to realise not all toys are aimed at every type of child.
Toy companies make money by appealing to a particular demographic and they do this by product testing and market projections. And despite this wave of progressive feminist thought, little boys still like playing with action figures and space ships more than little girls and probably wouldn’t play with a female action figure.
I mean there’s probably the odd one or two male childrem that will play with a female doll and a girl that might like a space ship over a barbie but toy companies don’t make toys for the minority of kids, they make them for lowest common denominator because that’s how you make money.
In conclusion this is just another example of idiots on the internet with dumb agendas trying to push them by ignoring the all the facts and twisting every non-issue into a way that somehow oppresses them for some contrived reason, nothing to see here people, move along.

Thanks as always go to Florian for doing the art on the strip, if you want to see more strips and more of Florian’s messed up art, head to the Jeffrey Dahmer and Greg comic page for more fucked up un-pc humour.

Cheers!

Star Wars the force just needs ten more minutes

It’s s been like a week since I saw the latest star wars movie and of course I thought this would be perfect timing to do an informal review when I’ve pretty much forgotten most of the movie and everyone and their great aunt has reviewed it already and moved on to talking about the patriarchal oppression of monopoly sets.

It’s just been awhile since I’ve done an off the top of the head kind of blog and I wanted to see if I could still spit free style nonsense.

Ok my first impression from the trailers was mixed, it looked cool, like a back to form sort of cool. But the way the trailers were shot was a little too in my face in regards to the race and the genders of the main characters. It looked a little needy to me, maybe that’s just because of the year we had in regards to all this social justice nonsense polluting everything but it seemed a little like it was pandering to that demographic of self congratulatory modern day yuppies.
It’s not something I thought was that relevant when I watched the movie, there was no hammy speech made by Rey or Finn on the necessity of diversity or women in the rebel (Sorry ‘resistance’) work force. But it seemed like JJ felt like he needed to apologize for slave Leia and Darth Vader turning out to be white by pushing a woman and minority character to the forefront for a much needed pat on the back from the diversity police as a way of saying ‘Thanks for not including anymore white men’. As I say I didn’t think it too relevant at the start but apologetics seemed to become a more relevant overall theme as it went on.

I don’t really feel like going into great detail about the main characters just yet because I feel like they’re characters that will grow with the new series. But in a nutshell there’s Finn an ex storm trooper turned shit talker, an ex scavenger turned super Jedi Mary sue Rey and an Ex member of Hanson turned emo sith Cadet Kylo Ren.

I didn’t really have much of an issue with them and in fact I rather liked them despite their characters being a little stale, I thought Finn needed more dialogue, I liked his arc, I just don’t think the story was big enough to make room for him and Rey and Kylo and everyone else. I felt like he got sidelined a little.
Rey is probably the most annoying character and I’ve already heard people describe her as a Mary sue and she is kind of a Mary sue. She’s basically good at everything and never fails at anything, and spoilers she like out jedis Obi Wan without any training whatsoever and beat a sith captain who was probably trained since birth by Luke Skywalker himself without ever having picked up a lightsaber before. It really pissed me off because it just begs belief, it swerved a little too far into ridiculousness.

But I don’t feel that annoyed because I think all these characters are growing and their arcs will get deeper and more interesting in the later films (fuck I sound like an apologist).

Ok ok I saved my favourite until last; yeah predictably my favourite character was Kylo Ren. I can’t really put my finger on it, but at the start he’s sort of the generic Vader copy but then when he takes off his mask he takes on a depth of character of his own that I think really pays off throughout the movie.

I think Driver’s performance was perfect, I know people are calling him this emo fag or whatever and I even compared him a little to Haden Christenson’s shockingly bad portrayal of Anakin Skywalker myself. But I just can’t put my finger on it, Driver brings a level of intensity and angst that really sells it and it’s almost like he succeeds at what Christenson was aiming for and just missed the mark of. That troubled dark man child with a sword in his hand and I think it really worked, he didn’t induce cringes, he really sizzled and was sort of creepy and likeable at the same time.
This was the difference between him and the heroes, we’re used to Star Wars being a little cringey and especially after the shockingly bad prequels but he wasn’t the least bit cringe worthy, he really nailed it and I can’t wait to see how his character develops later into the trilogy. He’s one of these characters that makes me sad that all heroes have to win in the end and life is just so two dimensional like that, and skewed so that reality has to bend to the will of good always winning.

Another thing that is so different and sets this film apart from all the others is the action. The action is something never before seen in star wars, we’re used to this heavily choreographed amazing acrobatic lightsaber duels. We don’t get any of that; it’s all gritty balls to the wall lightsaber street fights almost. Untrained amateurs hacking away at each other with deadly glow sticks. I sound pissed, but I think it was a lot less flowery and way more intense. It looked less like a dance and more like an actual fight.

Now the crux of the matter with this movie is that the internet is split between singing its praises just for not being the prequels and hipsters saying it’s the emperor’s new clothes. And as it usually is the case, the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Yeah it was hardly the most original film ever, the formula is pretty much a recreation of a new hope but I don’t really begrudge that, history repeating itself is a common (maybe lazy) theme in lots of movies. And it wasn’t the most spectacular movie, it wasn’t perfect but neither was new hope or any of the star wars movies. But bottom-line I enjoyed it.

There was never a moment I was bored or just cringing so hard I couldn’t open my eyes like the prequels.
But that I think is the biggest problem with this film, its ‘safe’.

Say what you will about the prequels but they took risks, they fell flat on their face but that’s taking risks for you.
The Force Awakens is paint by numbers star wars movie but what it lacks in originality it makes up for with a higher calibre of acting and compelling characters and action.
But to go back to what I was saying about this being an apology. That’s what I feel was going on here, a solid movie piggybacking on the original trilogy that didn’t stray into prequel territory. No matter what people say about the originality, we wanted a star wars movie and that’s what we got.
I’m being honest with you when I say, I really wanted to be a total hipster douche and shit on this movie to protect the honour of the original trilogy but I can’t. It’s a solid, very entertaining film with fresh new characters that will grow with us as an audience.

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