I done did it, I saw the last jedi.

My brother, bless his bilge soaked pirate heart, he got us a really good copy on the tinterwebs so I didn’t  have to give disney anymore money.

And to be honest, I didn’t think it was that bad.

I was like everyone else fairly whelmed by the force awakens, it was a decent watch but it didn’t blow my mind, it was a retreading but a fairly competent one. Rogue one was lauded as some bold new film but I wasn’t impressed by it and it didn’t ultimately hold up. It was just a boring movie with a plot we already knew and basically a really lazy copy of the magnificent seven. It was not a good movie and it didn’t even have a thread of something decent to pull me through which is not the case with the last jedi.

As I didn’t see it in cinemas and didn’t give a shit about spoilers I’ve been bombarded for months with people shitting on this movie. I like star wars but I wouldn’t call myself a fanboy, I saw the remakes in the cinema when I was a kid and fell in love with them but I was unmoved by the prequels and when I saw these new movies coming out I didn’t really hold out much hope for them or expect much out of them. As far as I’m concerned star wars ended in the eighties and these new movies are just disney puppeting the corpse of star wars around as it decomposes and falls a part on stage.

Despite that and despite all the political bullshit shoved into the movie and the fact the producer is saying the force is female obviously trying to polarize audiences and turn star wars into a disney princess story, I didn’t think it was as bad as people made out.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty bad, the story is shit, the characters are boring and sort of pointless and there are entire parts of the movie that just don’t need to be there. But unlike Rogue one there is a kernel of something good there. There is a nice salty peanut in this pile of shit.

It has a nugget of goodness in there but in retrospect you really do have to work much harder than you should have to to find it and if I made this movie I would change huge swaths of it.

But ultimately it’s a middle movie and I don’t think Rian Johnson took too many liberties with the plot that a third movie couldn’t fix. Yeah I know people say empire strikes back is the best but it’s the third movie that will pull it all together.

I’m not giving a spoiler warning because this movie has been out for ages. Luke dies, snoke dies, leah doesn’t die, but I mean this is sci-fi, people die and come back all the time, I think you could bullshit Luke back to life, you could bring Snoke back with a robotic ass and obviously Leah should have been killed off because now she’s going to have to be cg or killed off screen because she is really dead and can’t come back which is just the worst possible scenario.

I mean these movies couldn’t be made at a worse time really and ultimately I think they shouldn’t be made because they serve no agenda but to cynically make disney money, they’re profiting off nostalgia, they’re childhood vampires sucking you dry while you sleep.

Ask yourselves if these movies needed to be made, if these agendas needed to be pushed. These movies could have been made by better, less cynical, less politically driven people and they could have been ten times more respectful to the source material and creators but they still ultimately didn’t need to be made.

That is my opinion on these movies, I don’t get why they need to exist. Why do we need a movie about Solo’s life when we were fine with him being a mystery or reading an expanded universe story about him or a comic we could throw away, do we need a mini series or a movie with some wooden pretty boy playing him so we can learn benale details some hack writer pulled out of his ass? Ooh I can’t wait to learn how he gets his blaster or how he randomly bumped into kid Luke once, no one cares and no one asked for this movie or any of them so they can only be a fairly and a lesson that somethings just need to stay buried, some things have to be sacred.

I really can’t say anymore about this movie that hasn’t been said a million times, the story is dumb, Rey is a mary sue, Luke is a bitch etc etc, I’m voting with my wallet, I won’t pay to see these movies or any disney property, I refuse to help them dismantle the coach cushion of my childhood for the pennies that may or may not be there.

And that’s that.

I’m gonna keep it short because I could literally get into every detail and rant on forever, I don’t think this movie is terrible but my expectations were pretty low going in and I just don’t care enough about it to waste the energy.

So that’s my super late review of the last jedi haha.

Peace out I guess.