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Possibly the most savage review I’ve ever done. Paragon By Benjamin Peck

Piggy back rides?

Sorry what? I just read that and it just caught me off guard, why are people giving each other piggy back rides at the hospital? You’ve said ‘Crows peak’ twice now and I don’t know if you mean widows peak, I have no idea what a crows peak is, there are crows feet and there are widows peaks I had no idea there was such a thing called a crows peak.
Ok I just had to get that out, so first impressions are kind of cringeworthy, the names. It’s like trying to be a serious gritty story, stepping away from comic books but you still have all these cheesy comic books names, ‘Slayt’ ,’Zeke Blackwell’, ‘Glacier city’. It just took me out of it, it made me aware I was reading a story as opposed to being in an actual world.
I think it would have been better to just set it in a real world town because it seems a little pointless to create a fictional city but do little to no world building around it. You might as well just set it in new york and then people know what new york is like.

The fight scenes are ok, they’re not too self-indulgent but they’re not really jaw dropping either. I was about to drop this down for plot because there didn’t really seem to be one but then you have the thread of the cops taking people to that tower, so you have a nice hook to get people to want to read further to see what they’re doing to them at the tower.

Now honestly I hate the way Zeke is immune to the nullifiers, it’s just too tropey, ‘the main character is immune to the thing that’s holding everyone back’. It’s just been done to death and it completely drained all tension away from that scene with the cops. There was this great tension you’d created because here was this guy facing down people who could permanently wreck his powers and he does it anyway but no two seconds later he’s immune and all the tension is gone.
I like the premise of the nullifiers, I like the idea of superheroes being sort of second class citizens but it’s also been done. I mean this entire plot line is ripped almost entirely from the marvel civil war and to some extent incredibles and I just cant say this competes with those.
The writing is a little sloppy, there’s so much telling when you should be showing, just block paragraphs of exposition dumps, it’s tedious to read and it really weighs down the story. If you can’t deliver your exposition in an interesting way that isn’t just directly telling the reader, don’t bother, it’s a waste of time.
The prologue seemed kind of pointless to be honest. I don’t see why it was relevant to see that his father dies (also really tropey) right at the start and not just have him mention it later or come up in a flashback or a dream. Why is it so relevant that it has to be right at the start?
Honestly the whole thing is too wet, it feels like it was written by a thirteen year old. This is an edgy teens idea of gritty realism. The mohawk and tribal tattoos on the main character just had me cringing so hard, 3edgy5me dude haha.
Don’t get me wrong, if a thirteen year old wrote this I would think he was talented as fuck. There’s a lot of potential here it’s just weighed down with some bad storytelling, some place holder cardboard cut out characters and tired tropes. I’m not saying it’s bad or shitting on it to be mean, it has a lot of potential its just not there yet.

*Update*

Ok this review might have been a little too savage haha. This guy was so butthurt he left me the saltiest three line review for DDD just taking some lame jabs at it that make no sense haha. Like he mocks it for her saying shit like ‘Leet’ hacker. Like he doesn’t get the joke, she’s using it ironically, she’s making fun of herself, it’s self-deprecating humour. But evidently if this guy knew what irony was or had a sense of humour he wouldn’t be this butthurt haha.
Just saying I went out of my way to tear him down and the usual shit like ‘you didn’t read enough of my story man’. Dude I don’t need to get through a whole shit sandwich to know what it tastes like. And why would I randomly want to tear down someone’s story on inkitt a place where reviews don’t even really matter. Like if this was on amazon it would be a completely different thing but inkitt is just a place to basically beta your work. But most of the time it’s just fucking pussies licking eachother’s assholes and just wanted the same in return so when someone like me comes along with the real honest biting criticism they need to hear they need a safe space haha.
Because that’s all I did, I just told the truth, I didn’t go out of my way to attack this guy. I just gave him the full unvarnished truth he needed to hear, one man to another but this little bitch couldn’t take it I guess and that’s really the death nail for a writer, if you can’t take the savage criticism you’re done honestly. If getting one not even really bad review, just critical review sends you into this much of a hissy fit how do you think you’re gonna take that long slog of rejection when you actually are looking to get it published.
Why the fuck do you think so many people self publish? Because they’re terrified of rejection. Just to chime in with a sexist note haha, it’s probably why more men in history are writers because men are more used to rejection than women.
Anyway I could have spent hours arguing with this dipshit for fun but I decided just to side step it, arguing on the internet is just too fucking time consuming and utterly pointless.

If you wanna check it out the drama for yourself, head on over to inkitt with the link provided.

Paragon

Semi-savage review- Keep Your Promises by Sabitha Kiritharan

Conversers?

Is that a shoe or some kind of hightech weapon? A jetpack maybe haha. Just messing with you. I assume it’s converse shoes. Paragraphs, use them, please god use them. Is English even your first language? I didn’t even know she was in a hospital, all this pointless description just going over my head. We get it, shes worried about her sister. Honestly, I can’t read this, it’s too tedious and sloppy and it just keeps going on and one without any story with these huge blocks of texts. It’s a chore to read and it barely makes sense. I’m just gonna give it a four because it’s not terrible and if English isn’t your first language or you’re using some sort of translation tool then it’s great, it makes some sense, it can be followed. It just not grabbing me. It’s not horrible, it just needs loads of work.

If you want to read it for yourself, to inkitt you must sojourn.

Keep your promises

Review for “The Kings Game” by Remini UDA

It’s pretty interesting.

The start is well written, grabs your attention,, gets some set up and then goes straight into the plot very confidently. Got lots of Harry Potter, also weirdly got some John Carpenter vibes, maybe some anime sneaking in there. It’s a strong start but then the first chapter does get a little bogged down towards the end, lots and lots of talking and then it ends with talking. Don’t get me wrong, nothing wrong with talking but to have such a strong start and then sort of trail off towards the end of the chapter is a bit of a let down. It would have been much better if it had built to some sort of crescendo. First chapters almost need to be complete stories in themselves. But other than that I have no real criticisms., it’s well written, confident voice comes through, the story seems solid, the world building isn’t cringeworthy at all which you get with a lot of fantasy type stories. I don’t see many massive grammar/spelling mistakes. All in all it’s pretty solid stuff.

The kings game

Driftwood Tales By Ambrose Grimm – Savage review

Just far too slow and dithering, the pacing isn’t great and the hints at the start are kind of cheesy.. The story takes itself far too seriously and it’s just kind of derivative. I feel like I’ve seen this story a million times before. This is something you’d get from a seventies portmanteau movie and it wasn’t really scary then and it isn’t now. I just didn’t find it very interesting, even if it was a dream, the part with the ghosts had zero bite to it. There’s no setup, he’s just talking to this old woman about nothing in particular, then boom ghosts, feel sorry for these dead kids for reasons. It just couldn’t hold my interest long enough to finish it, you really need to have some hook right at the start or people’s eyes just glaze over. The characters are also just place holder characters, they have no real depth so it’s hard to care about them. I can see you’ve tried to make it somewhat descriptive and I like some of the Lovecraft words, gibbous. But this is no Lovecraft. Lovecraft isn’t the best writer but he captures the atmosphere and the attention from the word go and leaves a lasting sense of foreboding. I mean there could be a great story here but I’m not going to read it because it’s weighed down with the poor pacing. It;s by no means bad and trust me, I’ve seen bad, it’s just ok.

I actually can’t link to this story because this was review was so savage they took it down haha (I’m not proud of this). I actually wrote back and gave them some more constructive feedback and they thanked me for being so honest so it’s not that bad. I did write back and gave them some ideas I thought might improve the pacing so I’m not a monster, well… ah.

Lights in the Night By Greg Alldredge – Review

I liked it, I’m a pretty big fan of alien stories, X-files all that junk, conspiracy shows, ancient aliens, can’t get enough of it, so this is right up my alley. That being said my only real criticisms are structural. I guess you felt the need for a prologue because it starts a little slow but honestly, I don’t think it really needs one and it kind of robs the reader of the mystery of the old man. I think you could have held out and been a little more coy with the old man’s story. It would have garnered a little more intrigue, a little more mystery rather than just lying it right on the table. There’s a lot of telling, not a lot of showing, it’s very spoonfed, lots of backstory, lots of character bios right off the bat that kind of weight down a first chapter and are better kind of left maybe for the second chapter. I mean the only people that really get away with that are the old epics. These days it’s better to start with the inciting incident, which is exactly what you did but in a way that sucked all the mystery out of it, so it’s kind of a catch 22 you’re in here. You need something interesting to happen in the first chapter that grabs people and makes them want to read on but you also could do with a little more mystery, a little more showing, less telling. But those are my only little criticisms, other than that the writing is good and confident, couldn’t see any mistakes really. You have a good grasp for the area since it says you actually lived there, so that helps haha. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Wanna check it out for yourself, head over to inkitt;

Lights in the Night

Back to reviewing stuff, savage as ever haha. Julia Dream – Review

It’s not great, but it’s ok. Honestly it was a little dull. I guess that’s sort of what you’re trying to go for with the 1984 themes but my eyes just glazed over. I have a really short attention span for sci-fi as soon as I hear made up words or world building garbage my mind just goes to the hunger games and I lose interest.
The writing style is good, very polished, couldn’t see any mistakes, but it takes itself a little too seriously and it’s not very fun honestly. Very rigid, probably what you’re going for, it just doesn’t appeal to me personally.
Story, well there isn’t one, at least not in the first chapter, it’s just she’s an anti-terror expert who for some reason has to duel someone over a sci-fi/steampunk brexit. That’s not really story, it’s just stuff happening, very surface level and the duel happens in the same chapter so there isn’t any build up and the fight is sort of underwhelming.
I think if you’re going to have the chapter surrounding a duel you should probably start with the duel and then keep going back, just to make the rest of the chapter more interesting than just a bunch of people discussing politics in a world that doesn’t exist. The pace is just too slow and then the chapter ends with the duel and you still haven’t really been brought into the story.

Sorry if this review is sort of blackpilled, I was just promised mutants in a post apocalyptic world and I basically got ugly Betty in space.
It’s well written, it’s just not my thing.

Read it for yourself, here or don’t

Julia Dream

After Shattered By Samantha Newburg

(Yes I’m too lazy to look for an actual header image so instead have given you all my gratuitous dick pic haha)

Ok so, at this the point the obligatory claus here is that I’m not the intended audience, I can’t really say what the intended audience of this would be. Probably woman, can’t say much more than that other than I would never choose to read this from the description or genre. I dont go near romance and I won’t touch drama unless it has ‘crime’ in front of it. So that’s just to tell you where I’m at with this and I’ll try to be as objective as possible.
As a first chapter goes, it’s boring, no two ways about it. I don’t know if any of the stuff in the first chapter is relevant to the story overall but it’s just tiresome exposition with some dialogue and a meeting in it. Nothing interesting happens unless hearing you have a new boss is some great revelation to you. You have to put the interesting stuff in the first chapter to force people to read the next chapter and if that’s the most interesting stuff to happen in this book then god help you.
This stuff might be all really relevent but it should be relegated to the second or third chapter not the first, you get one chance to make a first impression and my eyes glazed over with boredom. There’s way too much spoonfeeding, show don’t tell.
The story isn’t established in the first chapter, so I can’t say there is one, the characters are watered down, no one person really stands out. The dialogue is ok, but the first chapter just sort of ends.
I can’t tell if this is intentionally boring to justify what happens next in the book like american psycho or if this is just the bottom line throughout. I’m not going to know because I can’t read the rest of the book, I can only give you my first impressions of what I see.
I don’t know what to say other than it reads more like a diary than a novel and no one wants to read your diary except you (unless you’re a psyborg stripper from mars with machine gun for tits haha).
I don’t think it’s trash, it’s salvageably, just needs maybe some chopping and changing, revamping the first chapter to get a hook in the reader from the start. The rest of the book could be pure genius but no one is going to read past that first chapter unless you give them a reason to.

If you wanna check out the story for yourself you can by following this link.

After Shattered

Jenna and the Professor by Jenna Snap – Review

(The header image is just because I was too lazy to google new header images haha)

This surprised me.

The last story I reviewed was another erotic novel and I have to say again, I am the last person on earth that should be reviewing erotic novels. I am not the intended audience, not even close. And the last one was sort of aimed at a younger like twilight tumblr crowd and it lost me. I’m not a fan of erotic novels, I’m not some soccer mom, if I want porn I’ll watch real porn haha.
But I have to say everything wrong with the last one I reviewed is right about this. What do I mean by that? The last one I read was a porno trying to be an erotic novel, it tried to start slow and develop the characters but it was obviously just a quick canter to get to the sexy stuff, which it then didn’t deliver. Which is a problem for me, in my opinion you either go all in or all out. You can’t have the best of both either you go in hard or not at all and you went in as hard and as strong as you possibly could.
I have to liken it to horror/thriller novel because that’s what I’m accustomed to and in those novels, you have to have something big happen in the first chapter and then take the time to set up the characters. If you start trying to set up the characters in the first chapter, you’ll rush it or you’ll bore your readers because they don’t want to learn so and so’s life history before they’ve decided whether there’s a story worth reading in the book. You have one chance to hook them and if you can’t do that in the first chapter, fuck even the first paragraph you’re screwed and I think you did that well.
You started as hot and heavy as you could and that will hook your audience who will then want to get to know Jenna and the professor more as the book goes on. They come for the sex and if the characters are good they’ll stay for story and the development. I think you really showed your strength right from the get go with and that will pay off in the long run.
The plot is simple but effective, the sex was hot. I like the chased feel to it despite the fact they fuck in the first chapter it still feels almost like nothing happened. There were a few mistakes but that seems almost worthless to mention, a good edit will smooth out any creases.
The writing style is good, the dialogue was a little cringey and I think less is more when it comes to dirty talk. it did sound like a bit of a porno in some of the dialogue and what’s with referring to her pussy as her ‘sex’. I thought that was a little weird, why not go the whole hog on the filthiness and just call it her ‘cunt’ haha?
Some perspective changes were bad, I thought it broke the flow a little bit going from her perspective to his. Keep it from her perspective unless there’s a chapter change. It’s jarring going from one perspective to the other mid-scene.
Otherwise, it works really well, it’s hot, it’s well written. All I can say is that I was pleasantly surprised. I think that’s the best you’re gonna get from someone that doesn’t read these kind of books haha.

Check it out for yourself here.
Jenna and the Professor

The Ghost Of You By Krystle Byrd – Review

The picture from ghost dad is completely unrelated to this story about a ghost who is not a dad falling in love with someone who is also not a ghost. Why the fuck not, when’s the last time you saw ghostdad? Go watch that. Ok now getting to the review.

This sort of premise has been done to do death, no pun intended. But that’s no reason not to do it again and try to do a twist on the previous stories. Most stories don’t have to be original nor are they when dissected. They just take something old and tired and breath new life into them. Which is what I think you’ve done here to an extent.
To be honest, this isn’t my cup of tea, I’m really petty so you put me off in the first paragraph when the main character says ‘literally’ when they mean ‘figuratively’. Just a forced reaction from me to cringe really hard at that, I can’t help it haha. Little things like that really set me off, like the characters name ‘Kai’ just makes me cringe every time I hear it.
Don’t get me wrong It’s well written, there were very mistakes that I saw when reading it but some of the dialogue is a little cringey in my opinion, but I’m not everyone and I don’t read romance novels, I’m not the demogrpahic this is aimed at probably the exact opposite. So for that exact reason I cut it a lot of slack.
All I can say is I didn’t hate it, and honestly that is the highest praise you can get from someone like me, a person that would rather glue golfballs to his eyes than read romance novels.

No but seriously, this is good solid work and you should be proud of it and keep it up.

If you wanna go check the story out for yourself you can find the link below.

Ghost of You

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