Piggy back rides?
Sorry what? I just read that and it just caught me off guard, why are people giving each other piggy back rides at the hospital? You’ve said ‘Crows peak’ twice now and I don’t know if you mean widows peak, I have no idea what a crows peak is, there are crows feet and there are widows peaks I had no idea there was such a thing called a crows peak.
Ok I just had to get that out, so first impressions are kind of cringeworthy, the names. It’s like trying to be a serious gritty story, stepping away from comic books but you still have all these cheesy comic books names, ‘Slayt’ ,’Zeke Blackwell’, ‘Glacier city’. It just took me out of it, it made me aware I was reading a story as opposed to being in an actual world.
I think it would have been better to just set it in a real world town because it seems a little pointless to create a fictional city but do little to no world building around it. You might as well just set it in new york and then people know what new york is like.
The fight scenes are ok, they’re not too self-indulgent but they’re not really jaw dropping either. I was about to drop this down for plot because there didn’t really seem to be one but then you have the thread of the cops taking people to that tower, so you have a nice hook to get people to want to read further to see what they’re doing to them at the tower.
Now honestly I hate the way Zeke is immune to the nullifiers, it’s just too tropey, ‘the main character is immune to the thing that’s holding everyone back’. It’s just been done to death and it completely drained all tension away from that scene with the cops. There was this great tension you’d created because here was this guy facing down people who could permanently wreck his powers and he does it anyway but no two seconds later he’s immune and all the tension is gone.
I like the premise of the nullifiers, I like the idea of superheroes being sort of second class citizens but it’s also been done. I mean this entire plot line is ripped almost entirely from the marvel civil war and to some extent incredibles and I just cant say this competes with those.
The writing is a little sloppy, there’s so much telling when you should be showing, just block paragraphs of exposition dumps, it’s tedious to read and it really weighs down the story. If you can’t deliver your exposition in an interesting way that isn’t just directly telling the reader, don’t bother, it’s a waste of time.
The prologue seemed kind of pointless to be honest. I don’t see why it was relevant to see that his father dies (also really tropey) right at the start and not just have him mention it later or come up in a flashback or a dream. Why is it so relevant that it has to be right at the start?
Honestly the whole thing is too wet, it feels like it was written by a thirteen year old. This is an edgy teens idea of gritty realism. The mohawk and tribal tattoos on the main character just had me cringing so hard, 3edgy5me dude haha.
Don’t get me wrong, if a thirteen year old wrote this I would think he was talented as fuck. There’s a lot of potential here it’s just weighed down with some bad storytelling, some place holder cardboard cut out characters and tired tropes. I’m not saying it’s bad or shitting on it to be mean, it has a lot of potential its just not there yet.
Ok this review might have been a little too savage haha. This guy was so butthurt he left me the saltiest three line review for DDD just taking some lame jabs at it that make no sense haha. Like he mocks it for her saying shit like ‘Leet’ hacker. Like he doesn’t get the joke, she’s using it ironically, she’s making fun of herself, it’s self-deprecating humour. But evidently if this guy knew what irony was or had a sense of humour he wouldn’t be this butthurt haha.
Just saying I went out of my way to tear him down and the usual shit like ‘you didn’t read enough of my story man’. Dude I don’t need to get through a whole shit sandwich to know what it tastes like. And why would I randomly want to tear down someone’s story on inkitt a place where reviews don’t even really matter. Like if this was on amazon it would be a completely different thing but inkitt is just a place to basically beta your work. But most of the time it’s just fucking pussies licking eachother’s assholes and just wanted the same in return so when someone like me comes along with the real honest biting criticism they need to hear they need a safe space haha.
Because that’s all I did, I just told the truth, I didn’t go out of my way to attack this guy. I just gave him the full unvarnished truth he needed to hear, one man to another but this little bitch couldn’t take it I guess and that’s really the death nail for a writer, if you can’t take the savage criticism you’re done honestly. If getting one not even really bad review, just critical review sends you into this much of a hissy fit how do you think you’re gonna take that long slog of rejection when you actually are looking to get it published.
Why the fuck do you think so many people self publish? Because they’re terrified of rejection. Just to chime in with a sexist note haha, it’s probably why more men in history are writers because men are more used to rejection than women.
Anyway I could have spent hours arguing with this dipshit for fun but I decided just to side step it, arguing on the internet is just too fucking time consuming and utterly pointless.
If you wanna check it out the drama for yourself, head on over to inkitt with the link provided.