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Last Jedi Review (Not as much savagery as I expected)

I done did it, I saw the last jedi.

My brother, bless his bilge soaked pirate heart, he got us a really good copy on the tinterwebs so I didn’t  have to give disney anymore money.

And to be honest, I didn’t think it was that bad.

I was like everyone else fairly whelmed by the force awakens, it was a decent watch but it didn’t blow my mind, it was a retreading but a fairly competent one. Rogue one was lauded as some bold new film but I wasn’t impressed by it and it didn’t ultimately hold up. It was just a boring movie with a plot we already knew and basically a really lazy copy of the magnificent seven. It was not a good movie and it didn’t even have a thread of something decent to pull me through which is not the case with the last jedi.

As I didn’t see it in cinemas and didn’t give a shit about spoilers I’ve been bombarded for months with people shitting on this movie. I like star wars but I wouldn’t call myself a fanboy, I saw the remakes in the cinema when I was a kid and fell in love with them but I was unmoved by the prequels and when I saw these new movies coming out I didn’t really hold out much hope for them or expect much out of them. As far as I’m concerned star wars ended in the eighties and these new movies are just disney puppeting the corpse of star wars around as it decomposes and falls a part on stage.

Despite that and despite all the political bullshit shoved into the movie and the fact the producer is saying the force is female obviously trying to polarize audiences and turn star wars into a disney princess story, I didn’t think it was as bad as people made out.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty bad, the story is shit, the characters are boring and sort of pointless and there are entire parts of the movie that just don’t need to be there. But unlike Rogue one there is a kernel of something good there. There is a nice salty peanut in this pile of shit.

It has a nugget of goodness in there but in retrospect you really do have to work much harder than you should have to to find it and if I made this movie I would change huge swaths of it.

But ultimately it’s a middle movie and I don’t think Rian Johnson took too many liberties with the plot that a third movie couldn’t fix. Yeah I know people say empire strikes back is the best but it’s the third movie that will pull it all together.

I’m not giving a spoiler warning because this movie has been out for ages. Luke dies, snoke dies, leah doesn’t die, but I mean this is sci-fi, people die and come back all the time, I think you could bullshit Luke back to life, you could bring Snoke back with a robotic ass and obviously Leah should have been killed off because now she’s going to have to be cg or killed off screen because she is really dead and can’t come back which is just the worst possible scenario.

I mean these movies couldn’t be made at a worse time really and ultimately I think they shouldn’t be made because they serve no agenda but to cynically make disney money, they’re profiting off nostalgia, they’re childhood vampires sucking you dry while you sleep.

Ask yourselves if these movies needed to be made, if these agendas needed to be pushed. These movies could have been made by better, less cynical, less politically driven people and they could have been ten times more respectful to the source material and creators but they still ultimately didn’t need to be made.

That is my opinion on these movies, I don’t get why they need to exist. Why do we need a movie about Solo’s life when we were fine with him being a mystery or reading an expanded universe story about him or a comic we could throw away, do we need a mini series or a movie with some wooden pretty boy playing him so we can learn benale details some hack writer pulled out of his ass? Ooh I can’t wait to learn how he gets his blaster or how he randomly bumped into kid Luke once, no one cares and no one asked for this movie or any of them so they can only be a fairly and a lesson that somethings just need to stay buried, some things have to be sacred.

I really can’t say anymore about this movie that hasn’t been said a million times, the story is dumb, Rey is a mary sue, Luke is a bitch etc etc, I’m voting with my wallet, I won’t pay to see these movies or any disney property, I refuse to help them dismantle the coach cushion of my childhood for the pennies that may or may not be there.

And that’s that.

I’m gonna keep it short because I could literally get into every detail and rant on forever, I don’t think this movie is terrible but my expectations were pretty low going in and I just don’t care enough about it to waste the energy.

So that’s my super late review of the last jedi haha.

Peace out I guess.

 

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Wonderwoman (Kinda, not really savage)

So I watched this movie recently, no I don’t pay to watch comic book movies unless I have to, I mean they’re all the same, they’re garbage, they’re nice looking dolled up garbage and no and then you get a good one like Logan and at a stretch Deadpool (totally over rated imo, but I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it). But these movies are always the exception to the rule. The bulk of comic movies have become this stale mass marketed pile of shit and you disagree with me meet me behind the bike sheds after school and I’ll make you eat that fucking flash t-shirt.

I thought it would be kind of funny to review this because I watched Justice League over christmas and I was just like ‘eh’ and then all this hype around black panther being this fucking amazing movie no one is allowed to criticise because ‘muh racism’.

So I watched Wonderwoman recently and it was ok.
Thanks for checking in folks, same time next week.

No so seriously, I thought it was passable, it had everything you need from a comic book movie, bit of action, bit of story, bit of romance, a bit of drama. It felt like a solid movie with decent villains, Diana is kind of boring but I mean you can’t have everything. It felt a little like the first captain america movie I guess.

What I’m saying was it was enjoyable but unremarkable, it shines only as much as penny can in a pile of horseshit that is comic book movies. It’s the best modern dc comic book movie meaning it didn’t piss and shit itself and start crying as soon as it got out on stage.

It held together, it had a cogent plot, with decent actors and decent heroes and decent villains. It wasn’t a total tonal, narrative mess like the others. It wasn’t boring and over morouse and dark a la Schneider, it was sort of fun and light without being too cheesey.

It worked and I think Chris Pine did a great job distracting from the fact that Wonderwoman is probably the most boring Dc hero. She literally has no personality but ‘Kill aries’ or ‘I’m a fish out of water’ the whole movie. But I liked the fish out of water stuff, the romance was nice and didn’t feel horse shoed in, it felt very natural and not too cringey.

The setting was really good also, I don’t know who thought about using world war one but that was a great idea in terms of pulling it out of the generic sludge of comic book movie doldrums.

But as I said, all in all it was just an ok movie, if you would compare it to the Nolan Batman movies, it’s luke warm at best but compared to the Schneider stuff it’s really the only thing going for DC right now.

Still my advice to Marvel and DC and Disney would just be to PLS STAHP!
Just stop making movies, it’s like someone shitting in a blocked train toilet, just adding to a pile of shit. Just stop, but I know they can’t because they’re like the mcdonalds of movies right now, just garbage chemically designed to get the most money for the least work and effort and expenditure, saying that I ate mcdonalds yesterday so I guess that makes me the idiot.

So yeah the only successful DC film warner bros have come out with is based on the character designed by a weird sex fetishist cuck, so there’s that haha.

Now I was just thinking I bought the game Kingdom come deliver and I should have reviewed that because it’s fucking excellent, oh well.

See you…

 

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Split Review – Beast level savagery

Ok so I’m of two minds, get it, because this story is about a dude with more than one personality?? Hahaha so big brained, hit me with a rock why don’t you? I’m not even of two minds, I actually just thought it was shitty haha, I just said that for the pun.

I watched this movie because my brother is the big pirate and he had it and I idly watched it while I was working out as I usually do. My brother really liked it but his tastes vary and we don’t always see eye to eye. So I went into it with a lot of scepticism because I’m a contrarian douche and anything he really likes or is really popular I usually hate or try to hate but I sometimes fail at hating those things, like I really tried hard to hate James Cameron’s avatar but I still like it. So sometimes movies are just good and fun and even the grump that I am can’t deny that.

But this wasn’t one of them and I’m writing this for myself as usual trying to decipher what specifically about it I hated.

Now for context I’m not one of these guys that shits on M.Night just because, I actually haven’t seen any of the movies people taut as his shit ones, like avatar and after earth. I’ve only seen the decent ones, sixth sense, unbreakable, the happening (kinda). So I’m not a hater and in fact, I didn’t even know he directed this movie until I saw his cameo, which I’ll get into later.

So I didn’t really enter this with any preconceptions other than my usual disposition to hate popular things like twilight and fidget spinners.

Ok actually gotta start the fucking review now

First thing I noticed because it’s pretty hard to ignore; it’s a pretty fucking boring ass movie. Like seriously, the first hour plus is just talking to this really retarded old woman about bullshit psychobabble and fashion. It’s trying to build tension and failing miserably and the way the twist is set up is so predictable it ruined the whole fucking movie. It’s like Night is more interested in having twists than them actually being good. Like he expects you to see his twists and be like “OMG NIBBA DIS SOME BIG BRAINED SHEEEIIITTT I NEED TO HIT IT WITH A ROCK YO!”

But as soon as they start talking about the 24th personality you know it’s going to appear, it’s a movie, so as soon as you start describing him we know we’re going to see it so how is it a twist when it eventually appears? You’re basically just telling us what’s going to happen at the end of the movie, that’s not a twist. It’s funny because I also watched the visit (Which I thought was ok but pretty unremarkable, I’ve seen indie found footage movies ten times better) by him recently and it does the same thing, the twist happens and it’s so predictable it seems like Night assumes his audience is just mouth breathing idiots in the way its delivered.

And I think that’s a lot of the problem with his film making, he thinks hes really smart but his audience is really dumb. So all that happens is that his movies sound dumb but are also really pretentious.
This is a movie for dumb people who think they’re smart (GOT fans basically haha) so that’s probably why it made so much money and people seem to like it, they don’t want people to think they don’t get it when there’s nothing to get, it’s just a silly campy kinda sorta thriller movie I guess.
For awhile I was just listening to this dialogue and the way it was shot and I couldn’t help thinking I was watching a movie within a movie, like how in movies there’s a parody of a movie within a movie and it’s just so over the top and ridiculous mocking movies. That’s this whole movie.

Another flaw in the movie is none of the characters are really very well developed or likeable and he even tries to have a backstory for one of the girls but it’s sort of pointless. I remember watching the scenes of her traumatic past and thinking about how the movie would have been pretty much unchanged if they just left them out.

They had no real impact on the plot and didn’t really make me feel any connection to her. I think if you just left them out she would have been more of a mystery and it would have been more like a traditional horror movie. Or even if you had her reveal her past in conversations with the other girls they could have had some character development. But you don’t need to know the teen counsellors tragic backstory to feel scared for them when Jason comes in friday the 13th, it’s just not relevant.

Another big thing I couldn’t stand in this movie is McAvoy, bless him, he tries, I like him but this was like watching him do GCSE drama and it was just a cringefest. He wasn’t scary or intimidating he was a cringe machine. The only time I cringed harder was at the ending but I’ll get to that.

He’s just trying too hard and the personalities seem less like personalities and more like funny voices he practised in front of a mirror, like Jim Carrey could have been more convincing. It was just silly and I couldn’t take the movie seriously, it just took me out of it.

The old lady I think pissed me off the most because she seemed like she got it, and it looked like she was smart enough to stay off the path of horror movie tropes, but no she asks to go to the bathroom and is discovered witnessing something she shouldn’t have and her fate is sealed and I have zero sympathy for her. You play stupid games you get stupid prizes, she knew this guy was dangerous and went to his house anyway and suffered for her arrogance.

Now about Night’s cameo, I don’t get why this guy thinks we want to see his face, the guy looks like a brown Phil Spector, he looks like a tall umpa lumpa from the shitty remake of Charlie and Chocolate factory. Like when Stan Lee does a cameo everyone goes ‘Hey it’s Stan Lee’ and don’t get me wrong it’s getting really old at this point. Honestly I think I might be relieved as well as saddened when he finally pops his clogs. But when you see Night it’s just like “Hey who’s that brown dude – oh it’s the director, uh huh”. Dude no one cares, you’re not some beloved figure like everyone’s grand dad or uncle like Stan Lee. You’re just some guy that makes shitty b movies that nevertheless have stupidly higher budgets than they deserve.

You’re like Tarantino you make high quality garbage movies, they’re trashy sometimes fun movies that are high spec and high budget but nevertheless no one gives a shit. I mean even mentioning Tarantino his cameos are at least funny or he dies somehow or says something dumb or memorable but in this movie Night’s cameo is just some guy the old lady talks to about hooters. It’s dumb. She could have just been on her own and the scene would have been unchanged.

Oh shit, hit the 1k mark gotta wrap this up haha.

Ok the ending, the ending was the most cringe inducing thing in the movie and it sort makes me question not only Night’s intelligence but his actual sanity. Because at the end of the movie it’s revealed, really hamily that this is set in the same universe as Unbreakable… a movie that was made in 2000 so that just gives you some perspective, this a is follow up to a movie that’s 17 years old. This is when this guy was talented, 17 years ago he made a cool movie people liked and now I just picture him watching the marvel universe and dc universe and universal trying to make a monster movie universe and he’s just like “I can do that.”

No, no you can’t you delusional idiot. He thinks he can make a movie universe with a movie he made 17 years ago and people are just gonna be like ‘Oh boy, can’t wait to see that.’

So in his mind this is a sequel to Unbreakable that will open up an avenue to a cross over sequel where Mcavoy will be the villain and Willis will be the hero again but how the fuck is that going to work? Can anyone imagine how that movie would go in their heads because this movie was bad enough as it was in terms of story.
My brother told me that the split character was actually cut from unbreakable but I dunno, honestly I am actually in two minds because half of me thinks ‘God why, oh god why? Just stop’ and the other half is actually intrigued how he might pull it off. I’m sitting at the side of the road thinking ‘How is this car accident going to look exactly?’

Oh jesus and not to mention how badly it was tied in to unbreakable and the tone is just all wrong. The one of unbreakable was sombre and serious and there was actually a lot of suspension of disbelief because you didn’t actually know if he had powers or not but in this you can see Mcavoy take a 12 gauge to the chest. It lacked all the subtlety and had a much sillier tone. It just wasn’t on the same level as Unbreakable, it was a joke honestly.

It failed at everything it tried to be, it’s not scary or gory enough to be horror, not enough happens for it to be a thriller, like there’s no real story, nothing that thrilling happens. And it’s not interesting in enough to be a drama or character piece, it’s just a steaming pile of wasted potential and sure smells a lot like bullshit and again I’m glad I didn’t waste any of my money on this emperors new clothes horseshit.

Oh yeah and the credits were split into multiples, get the fuck over yourself.

Yeah so no strong feelings at all haha.

See you…

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Mad Max: Thot Patrol

Ok so I just watched this fucking movie for the first time because it was on amazon prime, so I did not pay money specifically to watch this movie and I didn’t see a need to bother to pirate it or anything. So here’s sort of a review of it, I dunno. I don’t expect anyone to give a shit about my take on it especially this late in the game. I just watched it and I had to get my thoughts out about it or I’d go mad getting triggered over this movie.

So first off I knew this movie was steeped in controversy because of the Eve Ensler thing. If you don’t know who that is, it’s the nutty bitch that wrote the vagina monologues and she gives these near incomprehensible speeches as Ted talks, seriously google it. And you maybe asking yourself ‘why is the woman who wrote the vagina monologues consulting on a reboot of Mad Max?’ and my answer is; “Fuck if I know”.

But honestly there isn’t a lot of crazy feministy propaganda in it, because there isn’t a lot of anything in the movie other than action. It’s basically one big action set piece. The story is literally; “We’re escaping to this place, oh no that place isn’t there anymore, well let’s go back now”. That’s literally the whole plot. I mean they try to add back story for Max but it’s not really well done, it’s sort of just tossed in there and you expect them to build on it and they never do. Also Furiosa’s backstory is literally one small conversation between action sequences and it doesn’t really tell you anything about her other than she’s from the place they’re going and that’s how she knows where it is.

The feminist propaganda that I saw was fairly cut and dry basic bitch shit; Men are evil, men killed the world, men think children are their property, men think women are their property, yada yada yada. Same old shit, nothing ground breaking there, and it all happens in like one or two lines of dialogue you could just not hear.

Overall I think the biggest weakness is just the way the movie is directed. I mean I can’t tell if this is a Mad Max movie or some like Mad Max themed cuck bdsm tribute. Because Max gets like one or two lines that aren’t just grunting and he spends the first half of the movie tied up with a gimpy mask on riding around as a hood ornament for some bald nu male who predictably dies *spoilers*.

And don’t get me fucking started on the whole he gives her the gun and she shoots off his shoulder thing, I almost cringed my food out of my mouth while I was watching. It was so fucking cringe, Mad Max literally cucked on screen by this random character with about as much personality as a paint can in a home alone movie.

The action was pretty decent but the original Mad Max movies have a lot of variety with their action sequences, this felt like a rehashing of every other action sequence each time. I didn’t feel a lot of progression it got to about half way into the movie and I felt like the movie was still treading water and it’s a fairly long movie. It just lacks any real substance, it’s not filling.

But honestly what pissed me off most of all is the Immorten Joe character, the movie takes absolutely no time to make us hate this character enough for him to be a good villain. I mean they didn’t even bother like giving him place holder villainy like making him a nazi or something, making him eat a baby. Nope, he’s just a dun dun dun man! Who at one point is shown to be sort of physically repulsive in some way and he has a harem of beautiful women who he feeds and clothes and pampers while everyone else is slowly dying outside. But they then for some reason decide to leave a place where they’re safe and fed in a post apocalyptic world where literally everyone and everything is trying to kill them to chase some place which turns out to be already destroyed. So the movie is kind of pointless, I can’t really root for anyone because none of them really have any character or are doing anything truly remarkable.

I mean like Immortens son Rictus he’s just a big guy (for you!) who is pissed because his baby brother is killed during this really stupid escape attempt. Like there’s no point where he grabs and rapes a woman or burns some innocent person alive. It’s like the director has these villains and forgets to make them do villain shit. They’re just there chasing the good guys because reasons. The movie is just a clusterfuck honestly, a big set piece movie that really goes nowhere. It’s really safe, the acting was ok but I couldn’t really buy Charlize Theron as an action hero namely because they weren’t trying to sell her as one. You don’t even fucking find out how she lost her arm and got a new one. Like I feel like I’m missing half a movie here.

Like they made this big action sequence then just trimmed and trimmed until that was all that was left. Like Max is constantly having these flashback of people he couldn’t save but you literally never learn who these people are and it’s never addressed. There’s no flashback where this sub-narrative took place they’re just random and honestly add nothing so they might as well not even be there.

On a whole, if you switch your brain off its a good watch, lots of cool car chases and big explosions, it’s ok, its fun, it’s mental chewing gum but calling it Mad Max is a little on the nose because it’s anything but. It’s tame Max, slightly perturbed Max haha.

Just had to get that out haha.
See you…

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Ghost Garbage fire go!

Ok so I actually got off my ass and pirated me a copy of this trash and watched it with my mum. Tbf she actually liked it but there’s no accounting for taste and she has none haha.
To be honest I didn’t think it was that bad at the start, it seemed fairly entertaining, it looks good, the effects are ok, it’s not shot badly. I actually liked some of the ghosts which I found surprising, some of them looked pretty good.

The problems start early though, all the jokes are fart or poop or ass or front ass related, it’s so cringey it’s almost unbearable and it’s not funny beyond like a single pity guffaw.

I heard people talking about this pringle ad during the first ghost encounter scene and I was like ‘so she’s eating pringles, who cares?’. But whatever you heard it’s much worse, I mean it’s not like a one second shot, those pringles are in shot almost through that scene and she draws attention to them a few times and I was like ‘Seriously?’ it was shameless and it completely took me out of what should have been the first pivotal moment of the film which just turned into a silly gross out gag.

Seriously this movie is not funny, the funniest jokes in this movie were made by the editor when he was putting this together, every joke in this movie does not land, period. I saw a lot of reviews where people were saying Kevin, Chris Hemsworth’s character, the dopey secretary, was the saving grace in the movie. And I think they’re dead. His jokes were just as terrible if not more terrible, some of the jokes I was told were funny had no context, he just said them randomly with no setup. He was just saying dumb things, if any movie needed a laugh track it was. What’s so funny about his character exactly? He’s dumb, like monumentally ‘how has he stayed alive this long, seriously how does he feed himself dumb’ that’s it, that’s not a joke. What’s more its ‘offensive’ Janean (no fucking idea how to spell her name) wasn’t dumb, she wasn’t a scientist but she wasn’t a mouth breathing idiot, so why they thought about including a dopey male secretary as a gag I have no idea because there is no romantic sub-plot at all. They don’t even attempt one.
I think the worst part of this movie is that none of the characters seem like real people, they all seem like cartoon characters, every character apart from Charles Danse is just a walking talking silly gag. It’s just tiring and it makes you very aware you’re not watching a movie that has any intention of taking itself seriously so can have no drama or tension or engaging plot at all.

Ok on to the controversy bullshit, I honestly think having women ghostbusters made no difference, there isn’t a cast on earth that could have made this movie work, you could have re-united the old cast bring Harold Ramis back from the dead and they couldn’t have made this movie watchable. So really it has nothing to do with them being women and everything to do with the writing and direction being lacklustre.

On the whole the cast was probably the only thing about it that was any good, I’m not a big McCarthy fan but her character was probably the most interesting I guess. Kristin Wiig is great but she was pretty much the boring straight man. The other girl who was supposed to be Egon was terrible, beyond ridiculous. Lesly Jones was probably the most real character in the movie despite the stupid forced loud black woman jokes that made the world cringe. She was probably the most consistent character throughout.

But the problem really was that there was no chemistry, it was just a bunch of zany characters shoved together whereas the original film felt like a group of friends doing a dirty job for not much pay. It worked, they meshed, these new ghostbusters did not. They didn’t feel like real characters so I couldn’t care about their relationship.

The story didn’t make a whole lot of sense and it didn’t have a pleasing flow, it felt empty. It wasn’t a very satisfying film to watch because there wasn’t really a big arc or any characters you thought were central. It didn’t feel like a cohesive movie, it felt like an overly long and unfunny SNL skit, I know everyone is saying that, but they’re goddamn right.

Overall it wasn’t so bad it was good, but it wasn’t horrible, it was lame, a wet fart of a movie and a pitiful start to a franchise that seems like it’s already dead.

I mean we knew it would suck, it was marketed by idiots who remade a classic movie and intentionally alienated the original fans of the franchise failing completely to secure a new audience, so of course it flopped. This is what you get when you push ideology over actually creating things people will like, which is your job as a content creator. That being said there wasn’t any really overt political or feminist messages in the movie, so I can’t fault it for that.

But still I give it two raspberries out of five.

 

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