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Avengers infinity war review

…. it was alright.

END

Ok well I’m not one of these people who went to see it in the cinema because I lost my hype for marvel movies sometime around ironman 2. I just saw them going downhill, the quality of the films has degraded as they’ve gone on and become less films in their own right and just stepping stones to the next cash grab, with the odd blip in the radar like antman and doctor strange and deadpool (fox I think?) which were a little better.
It’s a good system and marvel has mastered the universe concept in a way literally no one can replicate despite numerous attempts from other film companies. They fail time and time again to do what marvel has done because marvel knew what they were doing and had a plan and took their time whereas DC and every other group has just barrelled ahead, tripped over their own shoelaces and landed face first in a pile of bantha poodoo (you know what I’m talking about).

But even so not being a big fanboy, being someone more critical and more objective I can step back and look at the longest running and highest grossing series of bargain bucket movies of all time.

Despite the money and fame and broken records of black panther it doesn’t change the fact it’s just easily consumable garbage, movie chewing gum that will live forever in the three for ten quid movie bin of CEX.

And even this movie, the ultimate culmination of all those movies, all those years, all that money and sweat and tears really only elicits a mildly surprised ‘huh’ from me. Because the villain is pretty interesting and believable, the structure of the movie is pretty good, the character interactions and set pieces were fun and it didn’t feel overly long or overly fanservicy.

I think this is the first time in any of these superhero movies where I thought the villain was actually relate-able and had more dimensions to his personality. Because he’s less uber evil villain more conflicted pragmatist doing what he sees as the ultimate greater good for all life in the universe. Despite looking like a cross between Homer Simpson and Ivan Ooze.

The twist ending wasn’t much of that because it had been spoiled by everyone on the internet by the time I got around to seeing it. It’s not really a twist I guess.

Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed the film but I can’t help looking at these movies and thinking about how no one will remember them in a couple of years. I can’t help looking at a society that used to make ground breaking and risky amazing movies now just churning out comic adaptations so geeksploitators can buy the newest superhero t-shirt or toy for their collection, desperately seeking to be relevant.

I Just pray that after the next infinity war movie they’ll just stop making comic book movies, but that’s never going to happen, they make way too much money so we’ll probably be dealing with this crap when we’re all in our eighties too medicated to kill ourselves our grandkids jumping all over us screaming that they’re squirrelgirl.

Ok well that’s enough of envisioning that hellscape, just felt like a change from the poems that everyone like to do an outdated review no one will read. Just sort of running out of emotional energy, feel a little indistinct recently.

See you…

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War for the planet of the apes review (y tho savagery)

OK this is a weird one because this movie definitely isn’t new and it isn’t one that should catch much controversy, I just felt I had to get out my feelings about when I could much better be using my time to write poetry amirite haha?
It’s because I really liked the first two that I feel I have to get out my utter disappointment with this movie. I mean I was never super hyped to watch it because I waited this long to watch it but I was sort of saving it as a solid movie to watch when I was sick of watching the trash they put out these days and pass for good content.

And I’m watching it and getting into it and it’s all good then the main plot kicks in and it’s kind of predictable, a standard sort of revenge movie set up oh and Woody Harrelson is in it, like he’s in fucking everything these days.

He’s actually one of the big problems I have with this movie, not him personally I watched him in that three billboards movie made by the guy who did seven psychopaths and that’s probably the best movie I’ve seen all year, that and Blade Runner 2049, fantastic movies.
No my problem with him is he can’t carry a movie. He works great in in true detective bouncing of Mathew Mconahay (I don’t care how his name is spelt haha) or alongside Jessie Eisenberg in Zombieland. Harrelson as part of an ensemble cast slips right in perfectly.
But in this movie it’s literally just him and Andy Serkis. I mean wtf did you really run out of money from the first two movies? The first two movies are literally brimming with excellent actors delivering fantastic performances and each film has at it’s heart a human story.

What’s the human story in this movie? Oh there isn’t one because humans are evil and war like and should just all die.
The other two movies have progression, you follow each character as the plot unfolds and they’re paced really well, they feel like journey’s and have satisfying conclusions and you feel like something has been learned on both the human and ape side.

But that’s the main problem with making movies that are prequels, we all know the people are going to basically go extinct and become the classic planet of the apes. On the other hand these movies really didn’t follow the lore very closely so I could have seen a twist coming where that didn’t happen. It just seems like they wanted to wrap it all up in these movie- humans all die now. It felt sort of forced.
The pace was bad there weren’t enough set pieces. Caeser is in his cave then badness happens needs revenge, goes to place where bad guy is, bad stuff happens, bad guy dies. There really isn’t enough there, there aren’t enough characters or story to sink your teeth into in comparison to the other two films. There isn’t a single likeable human character aside from the little girl who totally pointless spoilers is called ‘Nova’ a character in the original movies there’s no way she could be because those movies are set hundreds of years later haha. So I guess that was just dumb fan service that maybe a handful of people would get.

I really just struggled to identify with the apes, I know shocking. I like Caeser as a character, I liked following his arch in the previous movies but he seemed very two dimensional in this movie and Woody Harrelson was also a two dimensional non-villain.
Also whereas in the previous movie the messages were subtle and you could sort of compare the apes to a number of groups in terms of metaphors this movie is totally on the nose about it.

They’re literally using the apes as slaves and whipping them – ok then.

It just came off as disingenuous and dumb and tacky.

Moreover I didn’t like the movie because it tries to make you celebrate the death of the human race. I’d always hoped these movies would have been more optimistic and maybe changed the outcome. But by the end of the movie they’re expecting audiences to cheer as all the humans who are just faceless soldiers are wiped out. It just didn’t sit right with me.
Because you’re supposed to be like ‘well now that those evil humans are gone the apes are free to create a totally peaceful society of their own’ when anyone who’s seen the original movies knows they go back to basically feudalism and it’s totally chaos and there are wars between the various factions of apes constantly. So they’re not only not an improvement on humans they’re literally worse.

I dunno, I just see all the praise for this movie and it’s just shocking to me because it was such a step down from the previous two. I just had to get my thoughts out.

Venting complete haha. And I know I’m not just a wanker who can’t enjoy anything because I literally loved Blade Runner 2049 and I thought I would hate it and I watched a movie called the ritual last night which was pretty great so….

See you…

 

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A quiet place – Review

I wasn’t really planning to review this movie but then I saw all the insane buzz around it and my contrarian senses were tingling and I had to get it out. Honestly I didn’t hate it, it was just like ‘bleh’ it was a nothing burger of a movie for me. Tired re-used ideas done before, better and worse a hundred times and it really didn’t work for me. But fuck me if rotten tomatoes aren’t sucking the sweat from this movies balls.

It’s disturbing, and I don’t really get why. I understood why they were fanning get outs balls, it was the same reason black panther negative reviews were deleted, it was the race angle. But for this I have no idea why everyone has to like it, are deaf kids the new black guys?
I watched it with my brother who is an avid pirate arr and I just couldn’t get into it. The movie seems to never get going then it ends. I remarked to him that it was kind of like tremors meets it comes at night but not as fun or interesting as either. Actually this movie really makes me appreciate it comes at night more, despite the fact nothing actually comes at night the movie could have been half an hour longer at least. But it was suspenseful and interesting and did the end of world scenario in a fresh interesting way.

A way this movie doesn’t do. This movie is basically the road without the road, it’s stakeland without the land. It’s I am legend without the legend, can I stop this now?

I’m not going to get bogged down in the lazy/non-existent world building or sperg out about the many many plotholes and inconsistencies, if we did that we’d be here all day and all we’d have to show for it would be a headache.
The main problem I have with this movie is there’s no journey, there’s no attempt at a story or an arc or a goal. And it’s so easily done. The whole movie is centred around Blunt’s character having a baby so maybe there are complications and they need to find a doctor, or they hear a radio frequency about a settlement or something, anything but nothing like that happens. The movies plot could fit into an episode of tales from crypt, farmhouse attacked by sound monsters the end. Nothing happens the whole movie is just a circular mess of chasing around this farmhouse and pointless filler to get to the main beats of the bath scene and the *spoilers* dad’s death sequence *spoilers end*. And that whole scene is sad but it feels unearned and shoe horned in to a point that it makes the rest of the movie seem pointless.

The bath scene particularly I didn’t find tense at all because I knew she’d be fine, I knew none of the kids could die because they already made a big deal about killing one of their kids in the opening of the movie. So it’s completely without tension because I know none of these characters can die and there aren’t any other characters around them to act as monster fodder.

So there’s no story but movies like this can get by with no story as long as there’s a tense character drama like Cloverfield lane but there’s no character drama either because no one can talk. There are only four characters, beard shooshing dad, pregnant mom, deaf kid, none deaf kid. Emily Blunt and Krasinski are married in real life and they have a lot of chemistry during interviews but in this movie they’re playing a couple with little to no chemistry there’s no levity or romance. You’re supposed to believe these people care about eachother but their kids are running around a corn field with sound monsters that somehow took out the entire of america’s military and they’re like ‘they’ll be fine the script says so’.
The deaf kid is ok as long as it said in the script to do your best Dustin from stranger things pretending to be a fish impression, then she was spot on, the other kid is just a non-entity.

The main beats of the movie are painfully predictable, when the thing with the earpiece came up as a plot device for defeating the monsters my brother turned to me and said “Swing away” and he nailed it, it was just like that. It was a stupid Shamalamamadingdong premise, oh the sound monsters don’t like weird frequency noises, no one in the whole of america thought of using sound weapons on monsters that hunt by sound, wouldn’t it be awesome if we had something like sound cannons. Yeah that’d be great.
It was painfully dumb and I think honestly it’s just because I’ve seen too many movies I can just work out every beat of the movie and see the structure. This movie’s structure is mess, it’s a circle, they don’t go anywhere, no story is progressed, there’s no arc, we’re supposed to feel like they’ve been on some epic journey by the end when they’re on their front lawn.

By the end of the movie where the epic plot twist is that the monsters are powerless without their heads I turned to my brother and I said; “Emily Blunt is going to cock the shotgun and then the credits will roll” and would you guess that’s exactly what happened.

And we couldn’t believe it, that was the cheesiest and worst ending I could’ve imagined to this movie that was going for this serious grounded tone, it suddenly becomes aliens. I almost burst out laughing. It was so cheesey and unselfaware yet all the critics at rotten tomatoes are totally drinking the coolaid.
I mean is it as bad as Tom Hanks on like an actors guild video saying Get out is the greatest movie ever? Not really, it’s pretty bad but not that bad. I was talking about that to my brother and I said ‘Can you imagine if he was talking about It follows, people would laugh in his fucking face’ and It follows actually was a really clever horror movie with great atmosphere and genuine scares but no one would dare elevate it to the level of get out because it wasn’t directed by a half black guy and it wasn’t about racism, or whatever the fuck that movie was about.

I mean Quiet place isn’t bad, it’s just derivative and unoriginal and really unsatisfying, just watch the road or stakeland or war of the worlds, they’re the same movies but ten times better. People actually have arcs and they do stuff and go on a journey, there are characters and dialogue and goals and emotions not just people signing “I love you” at eachother. Fuck it ignore the critic group think behind this movie and just go watch Tremors, it’s like a quiet place if it was any fun.

See you…

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Death Wish (Current year edition)

This is one of those movies people say ‘you just couldn’t make that today’ and those people were right.

I was just trying to see when this came out and I made the mistake of going on rotten tomatoes and getting thoroughly triggered by the reviews whining about gun control and ‘muh drumpf’ just lame basic bitch takes, the movie sucks, we get it, you don’t need to insert your limp dick political opinion into- he says about to insert his throbbing hard dick political opinions into it.

Yeah so I pirated this movie because why the fuck would I pay money to see someone ruin a cult classic I happen to be a big fan of. I’m a massive fan of the original Death Wish series, they are the ultimate in guilty pleasures every single one of them.

But the fact of the matter is movies like that just can’t exist today without some ironic filter over them, we live in a post irony society where any satire on crime and violence has to be handled with kid gloves. There’s no other way than to say we live in a ‘pussified’, what do I mean by that?

Well the crux of this movie is basically about a guy who’s wife is raped and murdered by ‘gang members’ and I knew before this movie even started that they would not have the rape angle, or even mention it. I want to say the tone was wrong from the start but the point of the original is that his life was perfect and he lived in this shitlib bubble where he could avoid the draft by being a conscientious objector and have this idyllic life that couldn’t be destroyed by the world around him and how hard he fell down from that when the worst does happen. And it’s not some grand plot or scheme it’s just run of the mill evil.

And then he has to confront the fantasy world he’s been living in and do something about it, and the something is going on the streets of new york and shooting black peop- I mean muggers.

I’m not saying I love rape, I just think it’s telling that we’re trying to remake this movie about the gritty reality of crime and evil on the streets of new york and instead of getting these lowlife ‘gang members’ instead it’s these like high agency professional burglars who shoot someone basically because she was a fucking idiot and decided to throw boiling water at someone with a gun when there are three other guys with guns.

Actually looking at the rotten tomato charts makes me want to review Annihilation because it’s fresh as fuck on there and that movie was terrible haha.

It’s just seems like a totally unnecessary remake and probably one of the most phoned in phoned in Bruce Willis performance’s I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s like he phoned it in from the other side of the planet. In the original Charles Bronson doesn’t show a lot of emotion (well in any movie) but they don’t try to force it. He’s like this analytical architect. He’s more like this autistic spergy guy who instead crying and blubbering he becomes cold and calculating and methodical and does something about it. He sets out to murder people like he’s making a technical drawing and it’s really cool.

But in this they expect Bruce Willis to cry and give some heart and it just doesn’t fit. The original movie is dark as fuck (in more ways than one wink wink) but this movie has that sort of ironic wink wink nudge nudge levity that is nice but it doesn’t really fit. And the gore while cool is just over the top and silly and it just behoves me that you can show a man getting his head crushed by a falling car so his brains splatter all over the floor but you can’t see a woman simulating rape.

Or like in the walking dead where someone can be decapitated but they can’t swear or show any tits, fucking americans, amirite?

Ok now it’s time to address the elephant in the room, the bit you’ve all been waiting for, we’re going to talk about race. Trigger warnings start now people, if you’re easily offended… what the fuck are you even doing here? I write stories about zombie furries and samurai clowns killing transvestites.

Now if you’ve seen the original death wish movies it’s basically about a dude killing criminals in new york and if you were to take a side glance at the crime stats of new york you’d notice the majority of said offenders tend to be a certain shall we say ‘hue’. So you’d be forgiven for assuming most of the people Bronson guns down and in fact the people who rape and murder his wife are of said persuasion.

He goes around shooting random blacks, is that clear enough? He literally goes to like restaurants flashes cash around and walks around at night waiting for minorities to jump him so he can blast them.

See what I mean, not a movie that could be made today. But they did it anyway and it’s honestly pretty fucking laughable.

Not to say there weren’t white criminals in the death wish series, there are loads of them, the best lines of the second movie are where he’s killing that white christian guy haha.

“You believe in jesus?”

“Yes sir I do”

“Well you’re gonna meet him”

BLAM

Best bit in the movie haha. But the majority are black and hispanic which the crime stats bare out, in later movies not so much, I think in 4 and 5 it’s mostly white guys but I can’t remember. Despite making no sense because as most people know criminal gangs are almost always racially homogeneous, shock horror, criminals don’t care about meeting diversity quotas. Crime, the last bastion of meritocracy haha. So if this was a white gang there probably wouldn’t be any black or hispanic people and likewise if it was a black or hispanic gangs they’re not going to mix at all. There aren’t like honorary white members of the crips or ms-13, it just doesn’t happen, those fucking racists amirite haha?

But the funny thing about this movie is how desperately it’s trying to side step the race question. The majority of the criminals in this movie are white, and there are literally token minority criminals. I honestly expected there to be at least one black main villain a as token but nope. There’s like one mexican guy who dies in a car crash completely unrelated to the vigilante stuff, the gimmick in this movie is he’s a doctor not an architect so this guy is in a car crash and he recognises him somehow as this valet who takes his address from his car and then they go to rob him but that made no sense to me, why do they need this dudes address? Why not just go to the rich areas and rob them, does Bruce Willis just look like a pussy in this movie, I dunno maybe they tell him they’re going on vacation or something but they don’t and they get murdered.

Not his daughter of course, well not until the sequel which isn’t coming thankfully haha.

And then there’s one black drug dealer and it’s basically filler, he just goes up to him and shoots him and then there is like a mixed pair of assholes one mexican, one black who beat him up in an alley for reasons but they don’t die or reappear at all after that.

Almost all the doctors and nurses and cops and emts are black or women or mexican though haha. It just starts to be laughable at some point. Even the idea of professional burglars who also work in an autoshop is just dumb. Does this movie think criminals have a day job?

So all I can really say about this movie is it’s just totally hamstringed, it’s so fucking safe and so afraid of it’s own shadow it can’t accurately represent the world or tell a good story. It’s so afraid of triggering feminists and race hustlers it just becomes a fucking mess. And the ironic thing is the critics are still calling it racist when he kills like one black person in the whole movie while mowing down literal swaths of white people.

It’s representative of the social climate and it’s fucking clown world, it’s really sad actually that even a movie like this made by Eli Roth of all people is totally without balls.

Even aside from the political stuff, the basic bitch pro gun narratives which are fine and I’m sure still trigger shitlibs, the movie is kind of a mess. It’s all over the place with pacing and tone and it really isn’t a satisfying movie to watch really. The action isn’t really that remarkable honestly.

It makes me think of Taken and how awesome the action in that movie was and how edgy by current standard that movie is. Because it’s basically a dude killing a bunch of muslims to get his daughter back. Because he’s throughout the whole movie fighting the albanian mob who are people traffickers and albania is a muslim country and then a shakh buys his daughter.

It’s sad to think that even that movie couldn’t have been made today. Because it represents things and people that actually exist. There are muslim people traffickers in europe and this actually happens but if you draw attention to it or the crime stats in chicago you’re a racist because reality is racist.

It’s just totally pathetic and makes me sad haha.

That’s enough of that I think.

See you…

 

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Black Panther – Review (meh-tier savagery)

As always I’ve been a naughty pirate and late to the party as usual but not having paid for it makes me less angry. Because if I paid money for this utter pile of garbage I would have asked for it back and made everyone uncomfortable.

So yeah I didn’t want to like this movie no not because I’m an evil racist bigot- well there’s that, come on guise, one of my best friends is black *sweats profusely*. Just my usual loathing for stuff everyone likes and fauns over and my building disdain for marvel movies. And sometimes I eat crow and have to concede that the thing everyone likes is actually good and I liked it despite not wanting to. But this time I get to bask in the deliciousness of being totally justified in hating this dumpster fire of a movie people are hyping up purely for political reasons.

It is the newest of the emperors new clothes, an empty invisible nothing burger of a movie. Boring, badly acted, poorly written, with sloppy cheap looking effects it all in all comes off more like a bad panto than a blockbuster comic movie.

The movie sort of just starts, fuck, it was so boring and unimportant I’ve actually forgotten how it starts and I literally just watched it the other day haha. Just some boring unimportant fight scene to introduce a pretty pointless character that is kinda meant to be a love interest but now that I think about it there’s literally no romantic subplot. There’s just a girl there, that’s it. “Hey here’s that girl you loved and still do” Then pretty much nothing for the rest of the movie.

The story is about the main character (not attempting to spell his name so from now on I will refer to him as ‘Timmy’) … Timmy and he’s taking over being the black panther and ruler of wakanda from his dad…

What is wakanda you ask, well it’s basically a super high tech african secret village that mastered some magic space rock and they’re super advanced but still decide who their king is by fighting with spears naked- ok.

So he goes through this whole process to strip his powers to fight his challenger and of course he wins blah blah vision quest blah blah generic south african villain blah blah blah maguffin. Jesus christ this movie is almost too tedious to review. How much money did this movie make ten billion squillion dollars – fuck people are stupid, this planet is doomed.

So they go to korea for some reason to do some stuff and then they do some stuff and there’s a really boring action sequence with spears and a magic metal car that’s bulletproof.

Oh I forgot to mention there’s like a james bond q sequence where he gets these stupid gadgets, I think one controlled a car and then it was his suit and that was it. They couldn’t even imitate james bond in an interesting way. It’s just middle of the road, so run of the mill. It’s dull and paint by numbers and one thing that really irked me is accents.

I’m actually from africa, I can tell different african accents and for being an insular secret city with alien level technology they sure do seem to have a slew of different accents even spanning the same fucking family. Timmy clearly has something like a piss poor like west african accent like some interpretation of nigerian or ugandan trying to sound like Eddie Murphy from coming to america but his own blood relation sister has a South African accent. How is this fucking possible??? It just completely took me out of the movie, destroyed immersion for me or at least it would have destroyed immersion for me if the concept of wakanda hadn’t completely decimated it already.

I get it, super magic metal make technology… good. But the levels of tech in this movie are so stupidly advanced they might as well be magic. I mean you get that in sci-fi, but it usually always skirts the line between tech and magic, this just jumps over and might as well be a fantasy movie. You have magic plants that give people super powers and magic beam spears and space ships and did I mention magic blankets that shoot blue force shields?? Did a five year old write this? Also giant war rhinos. I checked out long before they showed up though.

The story is pointless, entirely throwaway and in fact it doesn’t even start until a good hour of time wasting into the movie. ‘Your father killed my father now I’m mad’ wow.

And I’d heard reviews shitting on this movie praising Michael B Jordans performance as Killmonger but I just thought he was a generic thug. His back story and character felt rushed (probably because he was at the start and then disappeared for an hour to reappear when the filler villain died). This whole movie I felt like these people are just on a stage pretending, this is panto, it feels fake, the accents, the fights, the costumes, the sets, the conflict, I’ve never been more aware I was watching a stupid marvel movie before this.

I never really felt any emotional drive from any of the characters. Killmonger just wanted to rule wakanda and take over the world I guess, generic bad guy stuff. Send black people magic guns to liberate them from their ‘oppressors’ whoever they are. Pretty sure if they’re in african countries their oppressors will be other black people, maybe chinese now.

And there’s this constant trope of having the main villain in a marvel movie just being the main hero but evil; Ironman/ironmonger, thor/loki, antman/locust? And I’m fine with that as long as they’re distinct. When they have the same or similar powers it’s tense because they’re on equal footing and they need to be smart or lucky to win. They pull ahead with heart and guts.

But in this movie their costumes don’t even look distinct, Ironmonger was atleast a giant cool looking iron man suit. Killmonger’s suit is literally just black panthers suit but with a gold trim and it’s all cg anyway so who gives a shit? The end fight is boring and looks bad because it’s just two identical cg guys fighting over nothing. And there’s this ‘big battle’ going on outside between the bald chick and the blanket shield guys with rhinos which starts ‘because movie’ and then ends ‘because movie’.
Nothing is earned, nothing is worked for in this movie, even the end fight between panther and killmonger, panther just wins ‘because’ movie. Ironman beat ironmonger because his suit was better tested and he out smarted him with the icing problem on the suit. Panther just wins because it says so in the script.

It’s a lazy stupid arrogant movie, which I could forgive if the acting were good or the action were entertaining but it’s not. I can say I enjoyed parts of Batman vs Superman because of the action and some of the visuals while still panning it as ultimately uninspired. It still took some risks, black panther is just mindless, a bubblegum movie lacking in any nutritious content with a trite sickly sweet message at the end that felt tacked on.

I’d say save your money but you already done spent it, it’s just another marvel movie that serves no other purpose but selling action figures and happy meals and pushing sequel bait and this just the latest and laziest entry in that pile of movies that history will ultimately forget.

See you…

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Last Jedi Review (Not as much savagery as I expected)

I done did it, I saw the last jedi.

My brother, bless his bilge soaked pirate heart, he got us a really good copy on the tinterwebs so I didn’t  have to give disney anymore money.

And to be honest, I didn’t think it was that bad.

I was like everyone else fairly whelmed by the force awakens, it was a decent watch but it didn’t blow my mind, it was a retreading but a fairly competent one. Rogue one was lauded as some bold new film but I wasn’t impressed by it and it didn’t ultimately hold up. It was just a boring movie with a plot we already knew and basically a really lazy copy of the magnificent seven. It was not a good movie and it didn’t even have a thread of something decent to pull me through which is not the case with the last jedi.

As I didn’t see it in cinemas and didn’t give a shit about spoilers I’ve been bombarded for months with people shitting on this movie. I like star wars but I wouldn’t call myself a fanboy, I saw the remakes in the cinema when I was a kid and fell in love with them but I was unmoved by the prequels and when I saw these new movies coming out I didn’t really hold out much hope for them or expect much out of them. As far as I’m concerned star wars ended in the eighties and these new movies are just disney puppeting the corpse of star wars around as it decomposes and falls a part on stage.

Despite that and despite all the political bullshit shoved into the movie and the fact the producer is saying the force is female obviously trying to polarize audiences and turn star wars into a disney princess story, I didn’t think it was as bad as people made out.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty bad, the story is shit, the characters are boring and sort of pointless and there are entire parts of the movie that just don’t need to be there. But unlike Rogue one there is a kernel of something good there. There is a nice salty peanut in this pile of shit.

It has a nugget of goodness in there but in retrospect you really do have to work much harder than you should have to to find it and if I made this movie I would change huge swaths of it.

But ultimately it’s a middle movie and I don’t think Rian Johnson took too many liberties with the plot that a third movie couldn’t fix. Yeah I know people say empire strikes back is the best but it’s the third movie that will pull it all together.

I’m not giving a spoiler warning because this movie has been out for ages. Luke dies, snoke dies, leah doesn’t die, but I mean this is sci-fi, people die and come back all the time, I think you could bullshit Luke back to life, you could bring Snoke back with a robotic ass and obviously Leah should have been killed off because now she’s going to have to be cg or killed off screen because she is really dead and can’t come back which is just the worst possible scenario.

I mean these movies couldn’t be made at a worse time really and ultimately I think they shouldn’t be made because they serve no agenda but to cynically make disney money, they’re profiting off nostalgia, they’re childhood vampires sucking you dry while you sleep.

Ask yourselves if these movies needed to be made, if these agendas needed to be pushed. These movies could have been made by better, less cynical, less politically driven people and they could have been ten times more respectful to the source material and creators but they still ultimately didn’t need to be made.

That is my opinion on these movies, I don’t get why they need to exist. Why do we need a movie about Solo’s life when we were fine with him being a mystery or reading an expanded universe story about him or a comic we could throw away, do we need a mini series or a movie with some wooden pretty boy playing him so we can learn benale details some hack writer pulled out of his ass? Ooh I can’t wait to learn how he gets his blaster or how he randomly bumped into kid Luke once, no one cares and no one asked for this movie or any of them so they can only be a fairly and a lesson that somethings just need to stay buried, some things have to be sacred.

I really can’t say anymore about this movie that hasn’t been said a million times, the story is dumb, Rey is a mary sue, Luke is a bitch etc etc, I’m voting with my wallet, I won’t pay to see these movies or any disney property, I refuse to help them dismantle the coach cushion of my childhood for the pennies that may or may not be there.

And that’s that.

I’m gonna keep it short because I could literally get into every detail and rant on forever, I don’t think this movie is terrible but my expectations were pretty low going in and I just don’t care enough about it to waste the energy.

So that’s my super late review of the last jedi haha.

Peace out I guess.

 

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Wonderwoman (Kinda, not really savage)

So I watched this movie recently, no I don’t pay to watch comic book movies unless I have to, I mean they’re all the same, they’re garbage, they’re nice looking dolled up garbage and no and then you get a good one like Logan and at a stretch Deadpool (totally over rated imo, but I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it). But these movies are always the exception to the rule. The bulk of comic movies have become this stale mass marketed pile of shit and you disagree with me meet me behind the bike sheds after school and I’ll make you eat that fucking flash t-shirt.

I thought it would be kind of funny to review this because I watched Justice League over christmas and I was just like ‘eh’ and then all this hype around black panther being this fucking amazing movie no one is allowed to criticise because ‘muh racism’.

So I watched Wonderwoman recently and it was ok.
Thanks for checking in folks, same time next week.

No so seriously, I thought it was passable, it had everything you need from a comic book movie, bit of action, bit of story, bit of romance, a bit of drama. It felt like a solid movie with decent villains, Diana is kind of boring but I mean you can’t have everything. It felt a little like the first captain america movie I guess.

What I’m saying was it was enjoyable but unremarkable, it shines only as much as penny can in a pile of horseshit that is comic book movies. It’s the best modern dc comic book movie meaning it didn’t piss and shit itself and start crying as soon as it got out on stage.

It held together, it had a cogent plot, with decent actors and decent heroes and decent villains. It wasn’t a total tonal, narrative mess like the others. It wasn’t boring and over morouse and dark a la Schneider, it was sort of fun and light without being too cheesey.

It worked and I think Chris Pine did a great job distracting from the fact that Wonderwoman is probably the most boring Dc hero. She literally has no personality but ‘Kill aries’ or ‘I’m a fish out of water’ the whole movie. But I liked the fish out of water stuff, the romance was nice and didn’t feel horse shoed in, it felt very natural and not too cringey.

The setting was really good also, I don’t know who thought about using world war one but that was a great idea in terms of pulling it out of the generic sludge of comic book movie doldrums.

But as I said, all in all it was just an ok movie, if you would compare it to the Nolan Batman movies, it’s luke warm at best but compared to the Schneider stuff it’s really the only thing going for DC right now.

Still my advice to Marvel and DC and Disney would just be to PLS STAHP!
Just stop making movies, it’s like someone shitting in a blocked train toilet, just adding to a pile of shit. Just stop, but I know they can’t because they’re like the mcdonalds of movies right now, just garbage chemically designed to get the most money for the least work and effort and expenditure, saying that I ate mcdonalds yesterday so I guess that makes me the idiot.

So yeah the only successful DC film warner bros have come out with is based on the character designed by a weird sex fetishist cuck, so there’s that haha.

Now I was just thinking I bought the game Kingdom come deliver and I should have reviewed that because it’s fucking excellent, oh well.

See you…

 

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Split Review – Beast level savagery

Ok so I’m of two minds, get it, because this story is about a dude with more than one personality?? Hahaha so big brained, hit me with a rock why don’t you? I’m not even of two minds, I actually just thought it was shitty haha, I just said that for the pun.

I watched this movie because my brother is the big pirate and he had it and I idly watched it while I was working out as I usually do. My brother really liked it but his tastes vary and we don’t always see eye to eye. So I went into it with a lot of scepticism because I’m a contrarian douche and anything he really likes or is really popular I usually hate or try to hate but I sometimes fail at hating those things, like I really tried hard to hate James Cameron’s avatar but I still like it. So sometimes movies are just good and fun and even the grump that I am can’t deny that.

But this wasn’t one of them and I’m writing this for myself as usual trying to decipher what specifically about it I hated.

Now for context I’m not one of these guys that shits on M.Night just because, I actually haven’t seen any of the movies people taut as his shit ones, like avatar and after earth. I’ve only seen the decent ones, sixth sense, unbreakable, the happening (kinda). So I’m not a hater and in fact, I didn’t even know he directed this movie until I saw his cameo, which I’ll get into later.

So I didn’t really enter this with any preconceptions other than my usual disposition to hate popular things like twilight and fidget spinners.

Ok actually gotta start the fucking review now

First thing I noticed because it’s pretty hard to ignore; it’s a pretty fucking boring ass movie. Like seriously, the first hour plus is just talking to this really retarded old woman about bullshit psychobabble and fashion. It’s trying to build tension and failing miserably and the way the twist is set up is so predictable it ruined the whole fucking movie. It’s like Night is more interested in having twists than them actually being good. Like he expects you to see his twists and be like “OMG NIBBA DIS SOME BIG BRAINED SHEEEIIITTT I NEED TO HIT IT WITH A ROCK YO!”

But as soon as they start talking about the 24th personality you know it’s going to appear, it’s a movie, so as soon as you start describing him we know we’re going to see it so how is it a twist when it eventually appears? You’re basically just telling us what’s going to happen at the end of the movie, that’s not a twist. It’s funny because I also watched the visit (Which I thought was ok but pretty unremarkable, I’ve seen indie found footage movies ten times better) by him recently and it does the same thing, the twist happens and it’s so predictable it seems like Night assumes his audience is just mouth breathing idiots in the way its delivered.

And I think that’s a lot of the problem with his film making, he thinks hes really smart but his audience is really dumb. So all that happens is that his movies sound dumb but are also really pretentious.
This is a movie for dumb people who think they’re smart (GOT fans basically haha) so that’s probably why it made so much money and people seem to like it, they don’t want people to think they don’t get it when there’s nothing to get, it’s just a silly campy kinda sorta thriller movie I guess.
For awhile I was just listening to this dialogue and the way it was shot and I couldn’t help thinking I was watching a movie within a movie, like how in movies there’s a parody of a movie within a movie and it’s just so over the top and ridiculous mocking movies. That’s this whole movie.

Another flaw in the movie is none of the characters are really very well developed or likeable and he even tries to have a backstory for one of the girls but it’s sort of pointless. I remember watching the scenes of her traumatic past and thinking about how the movie would have been pretty much unchanged if they just left them out.

They had no real impact on the plot and didn’t really make me feel any connection to her. I think if you just left them out she would have been more of a mystery and it would have been more like a traditional horror movie. Or even if you had her reveal her past in conversations with the other girls they could have had some character development. But you don’t need to know the teen counsellors tragic backstory to feel scared for them when Jason comes in friday the 13th, it’s just not relevant.

Another big thing I couldn’t stand in this movie is McAvoy, bless him, he tries, I like him but this was like watching him do GCSE drama and it was just a cringefest. He wasn’t scary or intimidating he was a cringe machine. The only time I cringed harder was at the ending but I’ll get to that.

He’s just trying too hard and the personalities seem less like personalities and more like funny voices he practised in front of a mirror, like Jim Carrey could have been more convincing. It was just silly and I couldn’t take the movie seriously, it just took me out of it.

The old lady I think pissed me off the most because she seemed like she got it, and it looked like she was smart enough to stay off the path of horror movie tropes, but no she asks to go to the bathroom and is discovered witnessing something she shouldn’t have and her fate is sealed and I have zero sympathy for her. You play stupid games you get stupid prizes, she knew this guy was dangerous and went to his house anyway and suffered for her arrogance.

Now about Night’s cameo, I don’t get why this guy thinks we want to see his face, the guy looks like a brown Phil Spector, he looks like a tall umpa lumpa from the shitty remake of Charlie and Chocolate factory. Like when Stan Lee does a cameo everyone goes ‘Hey it’s Stan Lee’ and don’t get me wrong it’s getting really old at this point. Honestly I think I might be relieved as well as saddened when he finally pops his clogs. But when you see Night it’s just like “Hey who’s that brown dude – oh it’s the director, uh huh”. Dude no one cares, you’re not some beloved figure like everyone’s grand dad or uncle like Stan Lee. You’re just some guy that makes shitty b movies that nevertheless have stupidly higher budgets than they deserve.

You’re like Tarantino you make high quality garbage movies, they’re trashy sometimes fun movies that are high spec and high budget but nevertheless no one gives a shit. I mean even mentioning Tarantino his cameos are at least funny or he dies somehow or says something dumb or memorable but in this movie Night’s cameo is just some guy the old lady talks to about hooters. It’s dumb. She could have just been on her own and the scene would have been unchanged.

Oh shit, hit the 1k mark gotta wrap this up haha.

Ok the ending, the ending was the most cringe inducing thing in the movie and it sort makes me question not only Night’s intelligence but his actual sanity. Because at the end of the movie it’s revealed, really hamily that this is set in the same universe as Unbreakable… a movie that was made in 2000 so that just gives you some perspective, this a is follow up to a movie that’s 17 years old. This is when this guy was talented, 17 years ago he made a cool movie people liked and now I just picture him watching the marvel universe and dc universe and universal trying to make a monster movie universe and he’s just like “I can do that.”

No, no you can’t you delusional idiot. He thinks he can make a movie universe with a movie he made 17 years ago and people are just gonna be like ‘Oh boy, can’t wait to see that.’

So in his mind this is a sequel to Unbreakable that will open up an avenue to a cross over sequel where Mcavoy will be the villain and Willis will be the hero again but how the fuck is that going to work? Can anyone imagine how that movie would go in their heads because this movie was bad enough as it was in terms of story.
My brother told me that the split character was actually cut from unbreakable but I dunno, honestly I am actually in two minds because half of me thinks ‘God why, oh god why? Just stop’ and the other half is actually intrigued how he might pull it off. I’m sitting at the side of the road thinking ‘How is this car accident going to look exactly?’

Oh jesus and not to mention how badly it was tied in to unbreakable and the tone is just all wrong. The one of unbreakable was sombre and serious and there was actually a lot of suspension of disbelief because you didn’t actually know if he had powers or not but in this you can see Mcavoy take a 12 gauge to the chest. It lacked all the subtlety and had a much sillier tone. It just wasn’t on the same level as Unbreakable, it was a joke honestly.

It failed at everything it tried to be, it’s not scary or gory enough to be horror, not enough happens for it to be a thriller, like there’s no real story, nothing that thrilling happens. And it’s not interesting in enough to be a drama or character piece, it’s just a steaming pile of wasted potential and sure smells a lot like bullshit and again I’m glad I didn’t waste any of my money on this emperors new clothes horseshit.

Oh yeah and the credits were split into multiples, get the fuck over yourself.

Yeah so no strong feelings at all haha.

See you…

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Mad Max: Thot Patrol

Ok so I just watched this fucking movie for the first time because it was on amazon prime, so I did not pay money specifically to watch this movie and I didn’t see a need to bother to pirate it or anything. So here’s sort of a review of it, I dunno. I don’t expect anyone to give a shit about my take on it especially this late in the game. I just watched it and I had to get my thoughts out about it or I’d go mad getting triggered over this movie.

So first off I knew this movie was steeped in controversy because of the Eve Ensler thing. If you don’t know who that is, it’s the nutty bitch that wrote the vagina monologues and she gives these near incomprehensible speeches as Ted talks, seriously google it. And you maybe asking yourself ‘why is the woman who wrote the vagina monologues consulting on a reboot of Mad Max?’ and my answer is; “Fuck if I know”.

But honestly there isn’t a lot of crazy feministy propaganda in it, because there isn’t a lot of anything in the movie other than action. It’s basically one big action set piece. The story is literally; “We’re escaping to this place, oh no that place isn’t there anymore, well let’s go back now”. That’s literally the whole plot. I mean they try to add back story for Max but it’s not really well done, it’s sort of just tossed in there and you expect them to build on it and they never do. Also Furiosa’s backstory is literally one small conversation between action sequences and it doesn’t really tell you anything about her other than she’s from the place they’re going and that’s how she knows where it is.

The feminist propaganda that I saw was fairly cut and dry basic bitch shit; Men are evil, men killed the world, men think children are their property, men think women are their property, yada yada yada. Same old shit, nothing ground breaking there, and it all happens in like one or two lines of dialogue you could just not hear.

Overall I think the biggest weakness is just the way the movie is directed. I mean I can’t tell if this is a Mad Max movie or some like Mad Max themed cuck bdsm tribute. Because Max gets like one or two lines that aren’t just grunting and he spends the first half of the movie tied up with a gimpy mask on riding around as a hood ornament for some bald nu male who predictably dies *spoilers*.

And don’t get me fucking started on the whole he gives her the gun and she shoots off his shoulder thing, I almost cringed my food out of my mouth while I was watching. It was so fucking cringe, Mad Max literally cucked on screen by this random character with about as much personality as a paint can in a home alone movie.

The action was pretty decent but the original Mad Max movies have a lot of variety with their action sequences, this felt like a rehashing of every other action sequence each time. I didn’t feel a lot of progression it got to about half way into the movie and I felt like the movie was still treading water and it’s a fairly long movie. It just lacks any real substance, it’s not filling.

But honestly what pissed me off most of all is the Immorten Joe character, the movie takes absolutely no time to make us hate this character enough for him to be a good villain. I mean they didn’t even bother like giving him place holder villainy like making him a nazi or something, making him eat a baby. Nope, he’s just a dun dun dun man! Who at one point is shown to be sort of physically repulsive in some way and he has a harem of beautiful women who he feeds and clothes and pampers while everyone else is slowly dying outside. But they then for some reason decide to leave a place where they’re safe and fed in a post apocalyptic world where literally everyone and everything is trying to kill them to chase some place which turns out to be already destroyed. So the movie is kind of pointless, I can’t really root for anyone because none of them really have any character or are doing anything truly remarkable.

I mean like Immortens son Rictus he’s just a big guy (for you!) who is pissed because his baby brother is killed during this really stupid escape attempt. Like there’s no point where he grabs and rapes a woman or burns some innocent person alive. It’s like the director has these villains and forgets to make them do villain shit. They’re just there chasing the good guys because reasons. The movie is just a clusterfuck honestly, a big set piece movie that really goes nowhere. It’s really safe, the acting was ok but I couldn’t really buy Charlize Theron as an action hero namely because they weren’t trying to sell her as one. You don’t even fucking find out how she lost her arm and got a new one. Like I feel like I’m missing half a movie here.

Like they made this big action sequence then just trimmed and trimmed until that was all that was left. Like Max is constantly having these flashback of people he couldn’t save but you literally never learn who these people are and it’s never addressed. There’s no flashback where this sub-narrative took place they’re just random and honestly add nothing so they might as well not even be there.

On a whole, if you switch your brain off its a good watch, lots of cool car chases and big explosions, it’s ok, its fun, it’s mental chewing gum but calling it Mad Max is a little on the nose because it’s anything but. It’s tame Max, slightly perturbed Max haha.

Just had to get that out haha.
See you…

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