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Diana in the dark chapter 16 ‘Dark Descendants’ (remurdered)

Hey there what’s up?

Don’t really have much to talk about this week, just been working and watching the expanse which I still really love. It’s just really well written and every character that annoys when they’re first introduced has grown on you by the end of the season and I really love that.

They introduced this ‘stronk empowered wamen’ character in season 2 who just seemed really generic and annoying at the start of the season and now I really like her arch. They just really developed and rounded her out from her introduction. She like starts off as this generic badass and then she becomes sort of a fish out of water character to a rebel and then comes full circle to be really bad ass again but by then I was really rooting for her. I mean yeah it doesn’t really make sense for her to be ability to beat the shit out of grown men especially considering she’s a martian and supposed to have weaker bones and she’s fighting earthers who live under higher gravity. But martian marines are supposed to train under higher gravity and she isn’t tiny and skinny, she does look kind of built a little. Not overly so but it’s more believable and then of course she’s most effective when wearing power armor.

All round, I’m just loving the show and the world and the characters, just another great- I was about to say show on amazon but then I googled it and apparently it was originally on scy fy but then got cancelled after season 3. Which just seems fucking crazy to me, unless it dips in quality in season 3 dramatically to a point where you would drop the whole show which would have to be drastic I’d say it was budget related because looking at the visuals in this show it cannot be cheap to make. So if it’s pulling in good to fair numbers I can see why it might get axed by scy fy for just not be cost effective. But I love it and I hope it keeps going on amazon like Bosch and Sneaky Pete.

I also watched the Shazam movie and it was ok, I don’t really want to do a review on it because I didn’t really have strong feelings about it in either direction. Just a pretty solid fun movie. I didn’t think it was as good as aquaman which I think is the top of the shitpile of modern dc movies.

The story is basic, the characters are ok, the action is good, I liked the feel and the tone and how it really puts you in the ‘Big’ mindset where you’re like ‘What would I do in this situation?’. I think it takes the perspective of the audience and makes it a lot more relate-able than other comic book movies.

But I think the message of the movie is shitty and half baked and it suffers from the same syndrome most movies do today where it has no real middle. It’s like some surgical nightmare where a chick has huge fake tits and a huge fake ass but their waste is too small to support them both and they just snap in the middle under the pressure haha.

The middle of this movie is basically one five minute montage and then all we’re left with is a really bloated first and third act. This is the only reason aquaman is top for me because it was more balanced, it had a really satisfying second that made the film feel more like a journey. It felt like a movie from the eighties and it was great.

There really just isn’t enough meat to the story or the middle bit to carry us through to the end, which is why it’s just ok.

And the reason I said I hated the message is because the message is basically “family” in air quotes but then proceeds to totally shit on the family. Because the message isn’t really family, it’s totally anti-family as it represents real blood related families as shitty people who hate and treat you like shit and abandon you because someone else can do a better job. Your actual parents will neglect you and fuck you up and you’ll kill them or forget they exist and instead embrace a group of ethnically diverse strangers as your ‘real’ family to take on the big bad guy who had his real family screw him up.
It’s very subversive and I don’t take kindly to this narrative that ‘anyone can be your family’ any group of random people cannot be a family. A family is defined by blood relation, any other definition is an attack on the family, attempting to water down and erase the meaning of the word, which if you’ve read 1984 isn’t a good thing. Words are nice, keeping their meaning is important, so let’s stop trying to undermine them and reinvent for a silly political agenda.

The most healthy and enriching environment for a child is still the nuclear family, no matter what some trendy buzzfeed article might say, having a mom and a dad is still much better than not having them on average. I’m not trying to say some people can’t be shitty parents or single parents can’t be great, or foster kids can’t turn out great. I’m talking about averages, not one off, I’m talking about the rule not the exceptions that prove the rule. You coming to me and saying ‘but I was adopted and blah blah blah’ doesn’t prove anything, you’re one of like a billion people, your anecdotal evidence is meaningless when compared to the stats of the thousands of other people that didn’t get so lucky.

Anyway rant over and I don’t think a review is necessary, it’s ok. Pretty standard for comic book movies today just being alright. Kids will love it but hopefully wont internalise the subversive message.

I don’t really think it’s worth a cinema visit because the budget isn’t that amazing, it’s sort of a smaller movie, you’re not gonna get as much out of it as you would seeing the avengers in the cinema. But it’s worth a stream.

Anyway, got proofreading to do for the latest chapter of Cur 2, didn’t get much done this week because work stuff completely kicked my ass but hopefully next week will be different, probably wont be though haha.

See you…

I just sat there for a moment looking down at it, turning the would-be weapon in my hand, getting a feel for the weight. The weight of his words swished around in my head. I didn’t have to ask if everything was true; it just made some sort of insane sense, a puzzle piece falling into place.

This was what I waiting for.

“What do I do?” I asked.

“Whatever you want.” Brodie—my brother—smiled that prepackaged smile.

A lapping feeling of black waves poured over me, covering me, feet first. It was like a dream, like a wish realized. A whole dark world opened up before me, welcoming me like some returning hero from long exile.

I was home, whatever that meant.

I went from a sad emo only child with a serial killer blog to Dark Diana Mistress of the Damned with not one but two siblings of the night at her side, more or less.

“Oh, yeah,” he said, suddenly rising to a mid-crouch, the ceiling was far too low for his stature. He leaned over Wendy, and opened each eye, then gave her a few little love taps to bring her just to the brink of consciousness. “I gave them just a little more than you to keep them under. I didn’t know whether you wanted them to talk, sometimes I like them to talk, confess, scream, spit, whatever.” My brother paused and looked down at her like she was Christmas ham and looked back up at me. Smiling that plastic smile. “It seems necessary sometimes, but it’s up to you. I think she’s past a confession at this point.”

“I know all I need to,” I said stonily.

“I figured as much.” He smirked.

Wendy’s eyes rolled back and forth under her lids and then fluttered. She looked around, obviously confused. Unable to move her head, as it was pinned with plastic wrap across her forehead. She saw me and her eyes went hot and spicy; I could almost see blood squirting out of them.

I could feel it then, my heart pounding, the dark dancer gripped the knife, moved my hand, and my feet went on their own. I let go, let it take me, as it purred incessantly in my ears.

I stood, as if someone yanked my strings, and glided over to her side, staring down at her.

She was beautiful, a perfect specimen, really. It was a shame. A beautiful tragedy.

Wendy was my friend, kind of. That was what made it special, the setting, the night, the company.

She looked up at me with wide terrified eyes now, she’d seen the knife, she could no doubt feel the squashing pressure of it now. The helplessness, the hopelessness. The cornered animal; anger leaving and being replaced with a dreadful reflection. She could feel it now, no doubt see it in my empty eyes.

Wendy knew she was about to be swallowed, there was no other way. Not a muscle she could move, not a penny she could spend, not an eyelid she could flutter. Nothing would spare her this, this was fate, this was the end, her end, and it was as beautiful and poetic an end I could ever hope to see.

Only one question savaged me; where to start?

I put my hands through her hair, making a soothing mocking cooing noise. It’s sibilant voice humming below my own.

Tears leaked from her eyes, and she made a pitiful mewling noise, a white frothy spittle gathered under the tape around her mouth.

I felt the boney fingers curling on top of mine, squeezing the knife, lifting my hand like Abraham, but no one would call out, no loving god would stop this.

It came down like a guillotine falling, such beautiful effortless purpose, a thread through the head of a needle.

The knife entered her torso just under her ribs, she gasped as the cool steel touched her. An almost ecstatic sound of breath escaped and held, resisting, then relenting. Her body tensed and went limp. Only her eyes held onto some tiny spark of something.

I stood there for a moment feeling it. Life, death, power, powerless, emptiness. A tingling sensation traveled down my back and to my legs as I continued to cut.

She breathed raspily over spurts of disgusting sticky blood. Her fingers dancing and convulsed under the plastic.

I was somewhere about two inches into her chest cavity when she finally died, near her heart. I felt it stop beating, listlessly clinging to life just for the sake of routine.

Wendy slowly wound down like a clock, just slipping away. Her golden skin; pallid and white, specks of blood on her face.

I’d managed to keep most of it contained the plastic did the rest. There was something there, a tremendous feeling of relief, something I’d been holding onto let go. Like I’d discovered a phantom limb left to atrophy. A balled fist finally unclenched, a third eye opened, a set of wings stretched for the first time. A complete unwinding of a tension I didn’t even know I’d stored up over a lifetime.

Released all at once and all at once I knew I’d have to do it again, and soon.

 

Mary Poppins 2019 (cash grab edition) review

So this is a weird one for me because I don’t usually review kids movies, I don’t usually watch kids movies. But Mary Poppins is a classic from my childhood so I felt I had to watch just to gauge how desperate and depraved the industry had gotten. I wanted to know how absolutely out of ideas they are and they didn’t disappoint. There isn’t a single new idea to be found.

Where to begin with this movie? How would I describe it in one word? Uninspired? Pointless? Flaccid? Cynical?

Ok that’s a lot of words.

I didn’t expect much from this but I expected to be pleasantly surprised since this is a weird franchise to bring back. So you know right off the bat the movie is back either because they have new exciting ideas or want to be more true to the books or they’re just desperate for cash and want to dig up an old movie to milk for nostalgia.

Imagine my shock that it’s the latter.

The first thing that shocked me was the fact it’s not a remake it’s trying to be a cannon sequel. I didn’t know whether to be mad or impressed by the chutzpah it took to do that. It’s like bringing out a sequel to the bible. You can’t even be mad, you’re just stunned someone would have the gaul to do that.

So I’m like ‘ok ok lets just see what happens’, then proceed to be bored for two hours as the movie is basically a shot for shot remake of the original but worse.
First off this movie just confuses me because Mary Poppins just shows up, but only specifically for this family and no one questions why and why she hasn’t aged more than just mentioning it off the cuff, seriously is she a vampire? Is she satan? With a different director this could have been a horror movie. A weird magical being comes down from the sky to be alone with this guys kids.

The casting is ok I guess, I mean Julie Andrews was practically perfect in every way and honestly Emily Blunt kinda comes off as a bitch. I don’t know how Julie Andrews did it but she was stern but never came off like she thought her shit didn’t stink.

Mentioning Julie Andrews is weird because the movie has a bunch of really weird and bad cameos, notably from Dick Van Dyke and Angela Lansbury and Meryl Streep? Julie Walters is of course in every English kids film now for reasons. And I know Julie Andrews is still alive and they must have asked her to come back in a cameo but she had to have turned it down and I can see why. The Angela Lansbury cameo is weird because this movie did seem like it was ripping off Bedknobs and Broomsticks a lot which is my number one childhood movie and if they do a shitty cash grab remake of that I will burn disney down (in minecraft).

Because there’s this shitty singalong bit where they’re having a bath and they go under the sea for no particular plot reason, it’s just an excuse for a song and some cg. Whereas in Bedknobs they actually needed to go under the sea. It wasn’t an excuse to use the cgi budget.

Meryl Streep is the weirdest cameo because just why? What kids movies is she famous for? Sophie’s choice? It’s just a weird choice, I guess it’s just because of her singing in Momma mia maybe, I dunno. It just felt really out of place and her scene is just a crappy remake of the floating house scene in the original. And it was totally irrelevant to the plot.

Because they have a magical trip into the painting of this vase which is a crappy remake of the scene when they enter the chalk painting in the original. But then they chip the vase and have to get it fixed by Meryl Streep who can fix anything apparently. And the reason they need it fixed is because they need money or they’ll lose their house to the bank or whatever. So she fixes it but it turns out its not worth anything so everything up to that point in the movie is just a waste of time with shitty broadway musical interludes with the most forgettable songs ever.

The plot couldn’t be more basic; ‘Oh no evil white male bankers trying to steal my house, we need money to save the house’. I mean is there an older plot? I could think of like ten movies that did this better right off the bat.

My thing with this movie is it’s sort of trying to copy the appeal of Paddington, the thing with that though is Paddington had never been done on the big screen I don’t think. His re-imagining was necessary and the movies were fun. The stories were basic but the characters and jokes were good. They’re both enjoyable films. But I feel like this movie just exists to capitalise on that, it exists not because someone knew it needed to happen but because someone knew they needed a new boat.

It’s not a bad movie, it’s just not good enough to exist. It just ok, and just being ok doesn’t warrant a remake or a reboot or a direct sequel. If you’re going to dig up the corpse of a classic you better make that shit shine and they didn’t, everything about it is just bog standard and lazy and by the numbers which is just frustrating. It’s cynicism leaps off the screen and when you see through the bright light you see the rotting corpse of the original movie being puppetted around on stage by greedy soulless blood sucking producers who have no tact and no respect for a classic movie and would probably dig up their mothers to pluck out her gold fillings.

The movie as a whole from the songs and the acting and the accents feels like a school play or a broadway adaptation of the movie, it doesn’t feel cannon to it’s own world. It feels cheap, it feels like an imitation of the original and it stinks. It’s like they tried to cargo cult the original movie, the name is there, the settings and the music but the spirit and the magic that made the movie what it was just isn’t.
I mean they replace Dick Van Dyke’s chimney sweep character with this schlubby guy who’s a ‘Lamplighter’, oh bro that’s so creative, that’s nothing like a chimney sweep. And of course there’s a part where all the lamplighters dance like the chimney sweep scene but less good. I don’t know if I can’t like anything anymore but I remember liking the dancing in the original and the dancing and songs just sort washed over my face without really registering in this movie.

Don’t waste your time on it and show your kids the original movie, because it still has the same magic this movie totally fails to recapture.

Last warning hollywood/disney; Stay away from this angry gymcel manbabies childhood!
If you come for the goonies or bedknobs and broomsticks all bets are off! (In roblox)

 

I’m back and kind of a Han Solo review I guess. (Not very savage)

Yeah so that day job kaffufle is over and I can get back to my one true love, writing about weird shit and complaining about various forms of media for no money haha.

Just gonna blog about stuff today, I have some content but I’ll put it out tomorrow so just typing this thinking about what I need to do today and also trying to think of things to say about the Han Solo movie that haven’t already been said. Probably the most surprising of all the fact I didn’t hate it, in fact I rather liked it.

I know right, that is pretty shocking. I think maybe it’s because I had such low expectations of it, but I also had really low expectations of last jedi and rogue one and I still thought they sucked.

Anyway this is gonna be laden with spoilers because this movie has been out for awhile so if you’re reading this I’m assuming you’ve already seen it or don’t care.

The first scenes aren’t great and I feel like some of the references and jokes fell flat but on a whole I found the movie fun and inoffensive. And what’s more some of the things people complained about in the movie seemed kind of trite in the context of the film.

The first thing that comes to mind is Donglover’s Billy Dee impression, which was a little cheesey at times but didn’t ruin the movie on the whole. His character was ok, all the characters were pretty likeable and fun. I liked Alden Errenreich’s Han, I thought it was very accurate without trying too hard. Another complaint was the annoying robot side kick L337 who reviewers hated because she’s like an sjw robot. But I felt the way she was presented was for comedy. I didn’t feel like the movie was putting her up as a character to be taken seriously. And it made me think the people complaining just didn’t get the joke, or it was too subtle.

I actually think L3 is mocking sjws, not glorifying them. She’s kind of a C3PO type character, just a silly robot extra who’s not meant to be taken seriously. Just a wacky broken robot who thinks its a person. We’re never meant to take anything 3PO says seriously or see him as a representation of a thing or an idea. So I don’t get why L3 is taken as that. Maybe some of her scenes were cut but she isn’t even in it very long so I think the hate for her is totally overblown as she was never given enough screen time to get annoying. I just think people are overreacting because of the subject matter and it was just a harmless joke, not meant to be taken seriously.

The story is kind of meh and it feels more like Dredd as in a day in the life biopic instead of an epic story. The action is serviceable but I feel like so much is held back as sequel bait which weakens the film. It references Bosque but never shows him, why not? Is Bosque such an important character he can’t be in another star wars movie? What about Boba Fett? And yes spoilers, darth Maul is in it very briefly and I couldn’t help thinking why he wasn’t just in it. Like what is so special about these characters they can’t just be in the movie but have to be hinted at and shoved to the side? I really hate that shit, sequel bait nonsense, just put them in the fucking movie or don’t mention them. Its not clever, its just irritating.

I just really wish they would stop making movies already thinking they’re gonna get a sequel. You should make a movie like it’s the only one and throw everything at it, put all your ideas into it and make it work. Because as it stands the biggest problem in this movie is it has no real villains. And the only villain we really get is Draydon Voss I think his name was which is Paul Bettany’s character but he’s literally only in it for like two scenes.

He’s in it for his introduction scene and then again for his death scene. And that’s one of the things that really lets this movie down, it’s pacing. It just seems too fast, you’re never quite out of one scene or plot point and you’re already in another and I think there needed to be more breathing room and more building of characters definitely of the villains.
Because the other would be villain is Emfiss ness, however you spell that and again she’s only in it for a handful of scenes and then is revealed to not be the bad guy after all and it’s all sort of anticlimactic.

I really wanted there to be some lightsaber action, if not from darth maul himself then from an apprentice with like a lightsaber knife and you basically get that with Draydon Voss. He’s a decent villain, I just wish he was a little more fleshed out.

But in the same breath I can sort of justify this movie not having a villain relation to it not having a hero. Han out right tells us that he’s not a hero, he’s not the good guy. So it stands to reason that a movie about grey areas has no moustache twirling villain. It’s not a typical star wars movie about good and evil black and white, it’s sitting comfortably in the middle and in some regards that can feel a little unsatisfying but I guess it works.

Overrall I liked the movie, it looks nice, the acting was good, the action was decent, the ending was pretty cool. I expected it to be a lot cheesier and unbearable to watch but it really wasn’t. It was kind of like rogue one but good. Rogue one if it had any sense of fun and interesting characters and wasn’t just a dull gloomy slog that tried to trick you with a a stupid darth vader scene that got idiots clapping like trained seals despite ruining the cannon entrance of the original film.

The weaknesses of the movie I could see were that Han didn’t really have an arc he was pretty much the same character throughout. It kind of hints at a change towards the end, or well maybe it has a subtle arc because he’s sort of more trusting and happy go lucky at the start but learns not to trust people and shoots down his mentor in a reference to the Guido shooting first scene.

So I guess it did have an arc just not one that was particularly groundbreaking and sort of didn’t feel earned.

I honestly think it might have made a better tv show than a film because it has a lot of potential but a movie didn’t give it a lot of room to explore that. It could have been decent if it stayed away from netflix, maybe amc or amazon could have made it work.
I think the main reason people didn’t like this movie or weren’t excited for it is because no one really asked for it. I think if this movie came out and it wasn’t a star wars movie like it was just a standalone sci fi movie called Dan Solo space guy it probably wouldn’t have been released because it’s not really that special or mindblowing. It basically rides the coat tails of the films and also doesn’t stack up well against them so it’s like a double edged sword. It wouldn’t exist without the originals but is also measured by them.
I think when you’re making a movie you have to ask yourself ‘does this story really need to be told?’ and in regards to this movie I don’t really think it did. People would have loved Han whether this movie existed or not, whether we knew how he met Chewie or not whether we knew how he got his name/blaster/waist coat or not. So without that necessity it just boils down to a movie that’s made just to make disney lots of money on action figures and really nothing else. Just a paint by numbers, mildly entertaining movie.

It’s kinda just seen as a movie that didn’t need to exist but what movie really does? Maybe my standards are slipping (fat chance haha) but I thought it was a fun popcorn movie just to turn your brain off to, maybe take the kids too. It wasn’t spectacular but it was serviceable and nice looking and fun and really that’s all you can ask for these days.

It makes me a little sad that these star wars movies aren’t going well because I can see the potential there. It’s a world too tempting not to mine but they’re just consistently coming at it from the wrong directions and milking it like a weird alien cow with blue green milk udders. And it’s reaching a point where its like they should have just left well enough alone because now Star wars is a franchise with more bad movies than good, more bad games than good. It’s a franchise that has been ground into the dirt by greedy feckless ideologues and there’s no real coming back from that. It’s like if someone asked me what I would do with the dcu right now I’d tell them to scrap it and start again. That’s all you can do at this point. But maybe don’t start it again haha.

That’s pretty much my full take on it, I probably wouldn’t watch it again but I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it. It was a fun romp, it was a long movie but I never felt bored or irritated and it ended in a satisfactory way. But herein lies the problem, should a star wars movie be just ‘satisfactory?

Anyway that’s enough from me, spent way too long on this already and just faffing about in general, trying to reset my body clock again to get my sleeping schedule back on point and thus I feel like death right now and just want to nap until doomsday.

See you…

 

Hereditary review

So again my pirate brother brought me another gem for movie night and I really didn’t think much of this movie when I saw it advertised because of the slew of garbage tier horror we’ve seen for a long time now. Like every James Wan movie ever and the blum house movies such as get out and quiet place. Total garbage movies that are hyped to hell and back to get the seals clapping make lots of money. But they’re shit, they never pass the fridge test because they’re hollow trashy movies about nothing ultimately.

There’s just been a wave of forgettable lame horror movies that pin out pointless sequels, mainly looking at the insidious franchise here. The first one was ok but the sequel was beyond ridiculous, pretending like that was there plan all along. Motherfucker you made a dumb horror movie and it made lots of money so you pulled some weird time travel tranny ghost story out of your ass, admit it. I daren’t even watch the others where the old lady is the main character and there’s a prequel, that’s a hard pass. The saw movies are ok I guess but they’re just gore porn, there’s no real artistry there and if you look at the latest movies, the acting and set design is indistinguishable from an actual porno.

Now Hereditary on the other hand is quite unironically a horror masterpiece. It’s basically a James Wan movie if it wasn’t just slocky over produced trash. It’s sort of a standard format horror movie turned on it’s head to be more like a drama. And one of the big criticism is that it’s not actually scary which is bullshit, what that actually means is that it has no jump scares in it, you heard me right, not one. But it has this sort of oppressive atmosphere throughout that is just insanely gripping. You just have no idea what’s going to happen next and the movie is so subtle it just can’t help but get under your skin.

The pacing is perfect, the length is perfect, believe me it needs every minute of that two hours, every pause, every silence is permeated with dread and it had me on the edge of my seat for two hours.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so just creeped out by a movie, so completely at the mercy of a piece of film. It has this constant theme of a doll house throughout because the main character is someone that makes dollhouses and it fits perfectly with the tone. Because the movie wants you to know that these people are not in control of their own destiny, they are dolls playing a part and you the audience too are powerless because you have no idea whats going on or who to trust.

It’s just such a powerful movie that knows how to use it’s power to great effect. It doesn’t beat you into submission with constant jump scares or gore. It hits you once really hard triggering your fear and sadness to an extreme degree and then it waits. And as the audience the fear builds waiting for the next gut punch.

I really don’t know what to say about but it’s just an excellent piece of film making. Everything about it is handled so perfectly. Very little really happens in the movie and it doesn’t really expand out from the house but it feels like a rollercoaster you can’t get off. The visuals are amazing, it’s haunting from beginning to end and there isn’t a single jump scare. Comparing it to quiet place, they never really leave the farm in that and it feels like there’s no journey but in Hereditary it’s an emotional/spiritual journey so them not leaving the house much isn’t really an issue. Whereas in quiet place we’re sort of lead to believe an emotional journey has taken place when really we’ve just been running around a corn field with a big monster chasing us around.

But it’s getting a lot of push back from the jump scare addicted audience as expected. I think why jump scares would ruin this movie is because jump scares are almost tension release valves. Something spooky is happening then something pops up and says ‘Boo’ then its over and you can laugh about it with your friends. But this movie never lets you go, it never releases that tension, it just keeps it going and pulling you deeper down. There’s no comic relief like Get out, there’s no relief at all. It’s a total onslaught on your senses and your psyche and it puts you right in Tony Collette’s shoes.

The performances were amazing, Tony Collette in this is spellbinding, I don’t think I’ve seen someone play crazy as well as her. You see that a lot in movies where someone is screaming ‘you have to believe me’ and they look crazy and you’re screaming at the tv ‘believe her!’ because you know they’re not crazy because you’re seeing what they see. But in this movie she was just so fucking crazy I didn’t want to believe her. And there are parts of the movie that are so horrifying you just wish they were a dream and the characters do too, it’s amazingly powerful. It manages to put right where they are all the time.

I don’t know how to describe it any other way than just this slow descent into horror and madness and misery that you just can’t look away from.

Some of the critiques are that it kind retreads old ground and I have a saying ‘I’ve seen it before and better’ and yeah everything in this movie I’ve seen before but not better. I don’t care if a movie borrows from something else or is in someway derivative if it’s good or it elevates what came before in someway which this definitely does.

If I had to compare it to something it’s basically The wickerman meets insidious or sinister, a really deep and dark horror movie sort of wearing the skin of a slocky jump scarefest. But even today looking back something like the wickerman doesn’t scare me (and in the case of the Nicolas Cage version makes me laugh) but this movie not only scared me it deeply unsettled me on many levels and stayed with me for awhile. Not only the trepidation but the themes.

Something you don’t get from a lot of horror films these days, not just scares but real deep sorrow. There are worse things than dying sometimes living is harder, you can watch Jason slash up a million co-eds but can you watch someone break down mentally and spiritually after the death of a child? This movie perfectly portrays living with loss and it adds to this melancholy and dread a little of what made Silent Hill 2 so powerful. Not just the horror but the sadness, the horror of being alone, the horror of being unloved. The horror in sadness. It’s coming at you from so many different directions overwhelming you with sadness and fear and loathing all at once.

I mean you see a horror movie like Get out and it’s basically a comedy. It has a comedy director and for the most part comedy actors trying to bring to life this laughable script about brain swapping. Then you have quiet place and we’re supposed to believe they’re sad about the kid dying but we’re never introduced to the kid and no one talks about it because they can’t so it’s never addressed. And you’re supposed to be sad when the dad dies /spoilers/ haha. But it just felt kinda cheap and unearned.

Neither of these hugely successful horror movies have the kind of emotional weight of Hereditary and thus can’t come close to the levels of horror (in every sense of the word) it can convey.

It’s what the horror genre has been missing for a long time, serious film making. Not just idiots trying to spin a buck and tell some goofy story about sound monsters or inter racial brain swaps. But genuine love and attention and talent.

This movie is a work of art if only for the visuals. But pair that with the acting and set design, story, pacing and it’s truly a horror classic and I seriously mean that. I think this movie should be up their with the Shining and the Thing as horror movie that just lives on and on and I hope it becomes a cult classic.

Go out and watch it, and then watch it again, I know I will.

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DeadPool 2 Review

So I watched deadpool 2 last night and I really didn’t feel like doing a whole review on it really because it was just kinda ‘meh’ (but then I did haha). Like it wasn’t a real movie, the first one I didn’t find to be mindblowing but it had a beginning/middle and end, a decent albeit made up villain (well all villains are made up but I mean he isn’t in the comics as far as I know).

DP2 has none of those things, and it just seems to be spinning it’s wheels from beginning to end churning out cringy gay and “edgy” jokes that were only half funny the first time and of course all the good jokes were in the trailer as usual. People just need to stop making trailers haha.

I just felt the whole movie was like a dog chasing it’s tail, it got really excited from the success of the first one so they upped the budget and just ran with it but they really had no idea what they were doing and it just goes around in circles.

I was like an hour into the movie waiting for the story to start because it just felt like it was dicking around and then I saw that it was a pretty good length so I wasn’t that worried but the ending was just really unsatisfying because it basically ends where it begins and I hate that shit (looking at you quiet place).

It sucks because it has some nice set pieces, like the prison, but they literally spend two minutes there which was really disappointing because prison movies especially sci fi prison movies are a guilty pleasure of mine. And the whole point of the prison section was to set up a character that was sort of a let down honestly.

Gonna go to spoiler town now so don’t read this next part. The prison bit is to establish the juggernaut. Which was a cool reveal that wasn’t ruined by the trailer but was ruined by the juggernaut haha.

He’s basically supposed to be the villain stand in for Cable, because Cable is touted as the villain but he’s not, he might as well be wearing a sign that says “Will turn good”. So the juggernaut shows up and all he really does is spout one liners and hit people, really bad one liners mainly about shoving things up people’s butts and turning people into cock rings. Just really unfunny and cringy lines that made me long to see Vinny Jones return.

Then he’s beaten by collosus who shoves a power cable up his butt. That was one of the points in this movie when I was like ‘am I watching a Wayans brothers parody movie?’ I don’t care if deadpool does weird shit that’s deadpool but when you have collossus shoving things up people’s asses you’ve just lost the tone of your movie and it’s just too absurd to take seriously at all. When throughout the first movie and the start of this movie they walk a really nice line between the absurd and the actual marvel universe, juxtaposing them perfectly.
And what’s worse is there’s so much set up to Juggernaut showing up only to fall flat on his face, the whole prison sequence is really on there to set up Cable as a villain and foreshadow juggernaut and it fails at both making those scenes totally pointless.

*End of the spoilers*

I didn’t buy Cable for one second as the villain and neither does the movie really. When he’s introduced in the prison sequence he’s fighting the guards in this really ultra violent gory movie without a single drop of blood. I noticed, he was basically just stunning these prison guards and I’m supposed to believe this guy is a villain when he can’t even kill these faceless guards in a shady mutant super prison, nah.

I loved all the terminator references though, I felt they really worked and the movie visually is very nice but I think structurally the film is a mess and they should have better copied terminator really. It basically rips off terminator and looper but it’s like it doesn’t even get the best bits. It completely misses what made those movies good, which was believable and intimidating villains. The movie copies the looper/terminator premise of a time traveller sent back to kill a child but the difference is in both those movies I believe the assassin will kill the child. You have no doubt in your mind that in both cases that’s what will happen because Bruce Willis’ character in Looper already does it one scene and in Terminator one and two it’s a soulless machine who’s only purpose is that mission. So the stakes are set from the get, this child is headed for a meat grinder and the heroes have to stop it, but not for one moment did this movie make me believe that Cable actually would kill the kid so it was totally toothless.

Ok so the story is basically dp has to save this kid from Cable who’s from the future and is trying to kill the kid because in the future he turns out to be a villain who kills Cable’s family. Straight out of terminator but it’s a good set up.

The only problem is they don’t copy terminator hard enough and send a villain back from the future to stop Cable and thus the whole movie falls apart because there’s no threat really other than the kid himself.

So essentially the only villain in this movie is a little fat kid. Oh my god I’m literally shaking haha.

I really don’t know why they didn’t totally rip off terminator and send the kids future self back to be the villain this movie sorely needed. They spent the time and money to cast a guy to play the role of his future self, why not use him? It just makes perfect sense since there’s no strong driving force in the movie at all to have him play a central role in the film. Say what you will about Francis from the first movie but he was a villain, he wasn’t an anti-hero or an anti-villain, he was a straight up villain and he made the movie work because he was the perfect straight man to dp’s funny man.

But this movie is so unbalanced its just laughable. And all the time and effort they spent maintaining the tone is just pissed away towards the end. This juxtaposed to the excellent villain of Thanos in infinity war is just even more stark and it illustrates how important a good villain in a story is.

Another example of this I bring up all the time is Robocop vs the remake. In the first movie the villains are really well defined and you follow them throughout the movie in the remake, the villain shows up to kill him and then disappears for the rest of the movie so you can have this boring drawn out training sequence to then they reappear at the end to die.

Cable has development in the movie but you never for one second buy him as the villain which is just too perfect comparing this to his role as Thanos which made that movie for me. So it’s not Brolin’s performance that’s to fault here, it’s entirely down to direction and writing. And honestly I couldn’t imagine a better Cable just like now I can’t imagine a better Thanos.

The story, well there kind of isn’t one, that’s that out of the way. Cable want kid dead cos bad future, Deadpool not want kid dead cos redemption?
That’s pretty much it, there were points in the movie that just reached points of parody and that’s sort of what this franchise is trying to do, straddle the fence between serious super hero movie and parody, but in this case it just failed at that, when before it succeeded. I think the comedy and silliness is good when and it works when it’s measured by seriousness and stakes and action that wasn’t in this movie.

I don’t think it’s a bad movie, the shitty jokes aside, I think the only time I laughed was at the goonies jokes and I saw those in the trailer. I thought it was entertaining and I think it had a lot of potential it just missed the mark for me. That being said I hope they keep making them, despite me saying I hope comic book superhero movies would just stop and go away. A cable deadpool movie with a decent story could work really well.

It just didn’t this time. I’m definitely not saying this movie is bad, and you should make up your own mind about it, I just think it failed at doing what the first movie succeeded at. It needed a better more solid villain to focus the story on and balance out the tone of the film. It’s not that I think the first movie was just so good a sequel couldn’t live up to it, I was one of those contrarian fucks who said the first one wasn’t that amazing either. It was over-hyped and despite being a good movie, it wasn’t that mindblowing compared to something like Logan that it paved the way for. It’s just sad, because Logan was like a glimpse into a world of comic book movies we could have gotten.

Instead of this cookie cutter capes and one liners bullshit to sell happy meals, we could have Logan. And even I have my problems with Logan but that doesn’t change the fact it is what comic movies should strive to be but never will. What I’m saying is children ruin super hero movies haha.

So in summation, decent (totally wrong word) fun, silly slocky if unbalanced movie that’s worth a one time watch at least.

See you…

War for the planet of the apes review (y tho savagery)

OK this is a weird one because this movie definitely isn’t new and it isn’t one that should catch much controversy, I just felt I had to get out my feelings about when I could much better be using my time to write poetry amirite haha?
It’s because I really liked the first two that I feel I have to get out my utter disappointment with this movie. I mean I was never super hyped to watch it because I waited this long to watch it but I was sort of saving it as a solid movie to watch when I was sick of watching the trash they put out these days and pass for good content.

And I’m watching it and getting into it and it’s all good then the main plot kicks in and it’s kind of predictable, a standard sort of revenge movie set up oh and Woody Harrelson is in it, like he’s in fucking everything these days.

He’s actually one of the big problems I have with this movie, not him personally I watched him in that three billboards movie made by the guy who did seven psychopaths and that’s probably the best movie I’ve seen all year, that and Blade Runner 2049, fantastic movies.
No my problem with him is he can’t carry a movie. He works great in in true detective bouncing of Mathew Mconahay (I don’t care how his name is spelt haha) or alongside Jessie Eisenberg in Zombieland. Harrelson as part of an ensemble cast slips right in perfectly.
But in this movie it’s literally just him and Andy Serkis. I mean wtf did you really run out of money from the first two movies? The first two movies are literally brimming with excellent actors delivering fantastic performances and each film has at it’s heart a human story.

What’s the human story in this movie? Oh there isn’t one because humans are evil and war like and should just all die.
The other two movies have progression, you follow each character as the plot unfolds and they’re paced really well, they feel like journey’s and have satisfying conclusions and you feel like something has been learned on both the human and ape side.

But that’s the main problem with making movies that are prequels, we all know the people are going to basically go extinct and become the classic planet of the apes. On the other hand these movies really didn’t follow the lore very closely so I could have seen a twist coming where that didn’t happen. It just seems like they wanted to wrap it all up in these movie- humans all die now. It felt sort of forced.
The pace was bad there weren’t enough set pieces. Caeser is in his cave then badness happens needs revenge, goes to place where bad guy is, bad stuff happens, bad guy dies. There really isn’t enough there, there aren’t enough characters or story to sink your teeth into in comparison to the other two films. There isn’t a single likeable human character aside from the little girl who totally pointless spoilers is called ‘Nova’ a character in the original movies there’s no way she could be because those movies are set hundreds of years later haha. So I guess that was just dumb fan service that maybe a handful of people would get.

I really just struggled to identify with the apes, I know shocking. I like Caeser as a character, I liked following his arch in the previous movies but he seemed very two dimensional in this movie and Woody Harrelson was also a two dimensional non-villain.
Also whereas in the previous movie the messages were subtle and you could sort of compare the apes to a number of groups in terms of metaphors this movie is totally on the nose about it.

They’re literally using the apes as slaves and whipping them – ok then.

It just came off as disingenuous and dumb and tacky.

Moreover I didn’t like the movie because it tries to make you celebrate the death of the human race. I’d always hoped these movies would have been more optimistic and maybe changed the outcome. But by the end of the movie they’re expecting audiences to cheer as all the humans who are just faceless soldiers are wiped out. It just didn’t sit right with me.
Because you’re supposed to be like ‘well now that those evil humans are gone the apes are free to create a totally peaceful society of their own’ when anyone who’s seen the original movies knows they go back to basically feudalism and it’s totally chaos and there are wars between the various factions of apes constantly. So they’re not only not an improvement on humans they’re literally worse.

I dunno, I just see all the praise for this movie and it’s just shocking to me because it was such a step down from the previous two. I just had to get my thoughts out.

Venting complete haha. And I know I’m not just a wanker who can’t enjoy anything because I literally loved Blade Runner 2049 and I thought I would hate it and I watched a movie called the ritual last night which was pretty great so….

See you…

 

A quiet place – Review

I wasn’t really planning to review this movie but then I saw all the insane buzz around it and my contrarian senses were tingling and I had to get it out. Honestly I didn’t hate it, it was just like ‘bleh’ it was a nothing burger of a movie for me. Tired re-used ideas done before, better and worse a hundred times and it really didn’t work for me. But fuck me if rotten tomatoes aren’t sucking the sweat from this movies balls.

It’s disturbing, and I don’t really get why. I understood why they were fanning get outs balls, it was the same reason black panther negative reviews were deleted, it was the race angle. But for this I have no idea why everyone has to like it, are deaf kids the new black guys?
I watched it with my brother who is an avid pirate arr and I just couldn’t get into it. The movie seems to never get going then it ends. I remarked to him that it was kind of like tremors meets it comes at night but not as fun or interesting as either. Actually this movie really makes me appreciate it comes at night more, despite the fact nothing actually comes at night the movie could have been half an hour longer at least. But it was suspenseful and interesting and did the end of world scenario in a fresh interesting way.

A way this movie doesn’t do. This movie is basically the road without the road, it’s stakeland without the land. It’s I am legend without the legend, can I stop this now?

I’m not going to get bogged down in the lazy/non-existent world building or sperg out about the many many plotholes and inconsistencies, if we did that we’d be here all day and all we’d have to show for it would be a headache.
The main problem I have with this movie is there’s no journey, there’s no attempt at a story or an arc or a goal. And it’s so easily done. The whole movie is centred around Blunt’s character having a baby so maybe there are complications and they need to find a doctor, or they hear a radio frequency about a settlement or something, anything but nothing like that happens. The movies plot could fit into an episode of tales from crypt, farmhouse attacked by sound monsters the end. Nothing happens the whole movie is just a circular mess of chasing around this farmhouse and pointless filler to get to the main beats of the bath scene and the *spoilers* dad’s death sequence *spoilers end*. And that whole scene is sad but it feels unearned and shoe horned in to a point that it makes the rest of the movie seem pointless.

The bath scene particularly I didn’t find tense at all because I knew she’d be fine, I knew none of the kids could die because they already made a big deal about killing one of their kids in the opening of the movie. So it’s completely without tension because I know none of these characters can die and there aren’t any other characters around them to act as monster fodder.

So there’s no story but movies like this can get by with no story as long as there’s a tense character drama like Cloverfield lane but there’s no character drama either because no one can talk. There are only four characters, beard shooshing dad, pregnant mom, deaf kid, none deaf kid. Emily Blunt and Krasinski are married in real life and they have a lot of chemistry during interviews but in this movie they’re playing a couple with little to no chemistry there’s no levity or romance. You’re supposed to believe these people care about eachother but their kids are running around a corn field with sound monsters that somehow took out the entire of america’s military and they’re like ‘they’ll be fine the script says so’.
The deaf kid is ok as long as it said in the script to do your best Dustin from stranger things pretending to be a fish impression, then she was spot on, the other kid is just a non-entity.

The main beats of the movie are painfully predictable, when the thing with the earpiece came up as a plot device for defeating the monsters my brother turned to me and said “Swing away” and he nailed it, it was just like that. It was a stupid Shamalamamadingdong premise, oh the sound monsters don’t like weird frequency noises, no one in the whole of america thought of using sound weapons on monsters that hunt by sound, wouldn’t it be awesome if we had something like sound cannons. Yeah that’d be great.
It was painfully dumb and I think honestly it’s just because I’ve seen too many movies I can just work out every beat of the movie and see the structure. This movie’s structure is mess, it’s a circle, they don’t go anywhere, no story is progressed, there’s no arc, we’re supposed to feel like they’ve been on some epic journey by the end when they’re on their front lawn.

By the end of the movie where the epic plot twist is that the monsters are powerless without their heads I turned to my brother and I said; “Emily Blunt is going to cock the shotgun and then the credits will roll” and would you guess that’s exactly what happened.

And we couldn’t believe it, that was the cheesiest and worst ending I could’ve imagined to this movie that was going for this serious grounded tone, it suddenly becomes aliens. I almost burst out laughing. It was so cheesey and unselfaware yet all the critics at rotten tomatoes are totally drinking the coolaid.
I mean is it as bad as Tom Hanks on like an actors guild video saying Get out is the greatest movie ever? Not really, it’s pretty bad but not that bad. I was talking about that to my brother and I said ‘Can you imagine if he was talking about It follows, people would laugh in his fucking face’ and It follows actually was a really clever horror movie with great atmosphere and genuine scares but no one would dare elevate it to the level of get out because it wasn’t directed by a half black guy and it wasn’t about racism, or whatever the fuck that movie was about.

I mean Quiet place isn’t bad, it’s just derivative and unoriginal and really unsatisfying, just watch the road or stakeland or war of the worlds, they’re the same movies but ten times better. People actually have arcs and they do stuff and go on a journey, there are characters and dialogue and goals and emotions not just people signing “I love you” at eachother. Fuck it ignore the critic group think behind this movie and just go watch Tremors, it’s like a quiet place if it was any fun.

See you…

Death Wish (Current year edition)

This is one of those movies people say ‘you just couldn’t make that today’ and those people were right.

I was just trying to see when this came out and I made the mistake of going on rotten tomatoes and getting thoroughly triggered by the reviews whining about gun control and ‘muh drumpf’ just lame basic bitch takes, the movie sucks, we get it, you don’t need to insert your limp dick political opinion into- he says about to insert his throbbing hard dick political opinions into it.

Yeah so I pirated this movie because why the fuck would I pay money to see someone ruin a cult classic I happen to be a big fan of. I’m a massive fan of the original Death Wish series, they are the ultimate in guilty pleasures every single one of them.

But the fact of the matter is movies like that just can’t exist today without some ironic filter over them, we live in a post irony society where any satire on crime and violence has to be handled with kid gloves. There’s no other way than to say we live in a ‘pussified’, what do I mean by that?

Well the crux of this movie is basically about a guy who’s wife is raped and murdered by ‘gang members’ and I knew before this movie even started that they would not have the rape angle, or even mention it. I want to say the tone was wrong from the start but the point of the original is that his life was perfect and he lived in this shitlib bubble where he could avoid the draft by being a conscientious objector and have this idyllic life that couldn’t be destroyed by the world around him and how hard he fell down from that when the worst does happen. And it’s not some grand plot or scheme it’s just run of the mill evil.

And then he has to confront the fantasy world he’s been living in and do something about it, and the something is going on the streets of new york and shooting black peop- I mean muggers.

I’m not saying I love rape, I just think it’s telling that we’re trying to remake this movie about the gritty reality of crime and evil on the streets of new york and instead of getting these lowlife ‘gang members’ instead it’s these like high agency professional burglars who shoot someone basically because she was a fucking idiot and decided to throw boiling water at someone with a gun when there are three other guys with guns.

Actually looking at the rotten tomato charts makes me want to review Annihilation because it’s fresh as fuck on there and that movie was terrible haha.

It’s just seems like a totally unnecessary remake and probably one of the most phoned in phoned in Bruce Willis performance’s I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s like he phoned it in from the other side of the planet. In the original Charles Bronson doesn’t show a lot of emotion (well in any movie) but they don’t try to force it. He’s like this analytical architect. He’s more like this autistic spergy guy who instead crying and blubbering he becomes cold and calculating and methodical and does something about it. He sets out to murder people like he’s making a technical drawing and it’s really cool.

But in this they expect Bruce Willis to cry and give some heart and it just doesn’t fit. The original movie is dark as fuck (in more ways than one wink wink) but this movie has that sort of ironic wink wink nudge nudge levity that is nice but it doesn’t really fit. And the gore while cool is just over the top and silly and it just behoves me that you can show a man getting his head crushed by a falling car so his brains splatter all over the floor but you can’t see a woman simulating rape.

Or like in the walking dead where someone can be decapitated but they can’t swear or show any tits, fucking americans, amirite?

Ok now it’s time to address the elephant in the room, the bit you’ve all been waiting for, we’re going to talk about race. Trigger warnings start now people, if you’re easily offended… what the fuck are you even doing here? I write stories about zombie furries and samurai clowns killing transvestites.

Now if you’ve seen the original death wish movies it’s basically about a dude killing criminals in new york and if you were to take a side glance at the crime stats of new york you’d notice the majority of said offenders tend to be a certain shall we say ‘hue’. So you’d be forgiven for assuming most of the people Bronson guns down and in fact the people who rape and murder his wife are of said persuasion.

He goes around shooting random blacks, is that clear enough? He literally goes to like restaurants flashes cash around and walks around at night waiting for minorities to jump him so he can blast them.

See what I mean, not a movie that could be made today. But they did it anyway and it’s honestly pretty fucking laughable.

Not to say there weren’t white criminals in the death wish series, there are loads of them, the best lines of the second movie are where he’s killing that white christian guy haha.

“You believe in jesus?”

“Yes sir I do”

“Well you’re gonna meet him”

BLAM

Best bit in the movie haha. But the majority are black and hispanic which the crime stats bare out, in later movies not so much, I think in 4 and 5 it’s mostly white guys but I can’t remember. Despite making no sense because as most people know criminal gangs are almost always racially homogeneous, shock horror, criminals don’t care about meeting diversity quotas. Crime, the last bastion of meritocracy haha. So if this was a white gang there probably wouldn’t be any black or hispanic people and likewise if it was a black or hispanic gangs they’re not going to mix at all. There aren’t like honorary white members of the crips or ms-13, it just doesn’t happen, those fucking racists amirite haha?

But the funny thing about this movie is how desperately it’s trying to side step the race question. The majority of the criminals in this movie are white, and there are literally token minority criminals. I honestly expected there to be at least one black main villain a as token but nope. There’s like one mexican guy who dies in a car crash completely unrelated to the vigilante stuff, the gimmick in this movie is he’s a doctor not an architect so this guy is in a car crash and he recognises him somehow as this valet who takes his address from his car and then they go to rob him but that made no sense to me, why do they need this dudes address? Why not just go to the rich areas and rob them, does Bruce Willis just look like a pussy in this movie, I dunno maybe they tell him they’re going on vacation or something but they don’t and they get murdered.

Not his daughter of course, well not until the sequel which isn’t coming thankfully haha.

And then there’s one black drug dealer and it’s basically filler, he just goes up to him and shoots him and then there is like a mixed pair of assholes one mexican, one black who beat him up in an alley for reasons but they don’t die or reappear at all after that.

Almost all the doctors and nurses and cops and emts are black or women or mexican though haha. It just starts to be laughable at some point. Even the idea of professional burglars who also work in an autoshop is just dumb. Does this movie think criminals have a day job?

So all I can really say about this movie is it’s just totally hamstringed, it’s so fucking safe and so afraid of it’s own shadow it can’t accurately represent the world or tell a good story. It’s so afraid of triggering feminists and race hustlers it just becomes a fucking mess. And the ironic thing is the critics are still calling it racist when he kills like one black person in the whole movie while mowing down literal swaths of white people.

It’s representative of the social climate and it’s fucking clown world, it’s really sad actually that even a movie like this made by Eli Roth of all people is totally without balls.

Even aside from the political stuff, the basic bitch pro gun narratives which are fine and I’m sure still trigger shitlibs, the movie is kind of a mess. It’s all over the place with pacing and tone and it really isn’t a satisfying movie to watch really. The action isn’t really that remarkable honestly.

It makes me think of Taken and how awesome the action in that movie was and how edgy by current standard that movie is. Because it’s basically a dude killing a bunch of muslims to get his daughter back. Because he’s throughout the whole movie fighting the albanian mob who are people traffickers and albania is a muslim country and then a shakh buys his daughter.

It’s sad to think that even that movie couldn’t have been made today. Because it represents things and people that actually exist. There are muslim people traffickers in europe and this actually happens but if you draw attention to it or the crime stats in chicago you’re a racist because reality is racist.

It’s just totally pathetic and makes me sad haha.

That’s enough of that I think.

See you…

 

Black Panther – Review (meh-tier savagery)

As always I’ve been a naughty pirate and late to the party as usual but not having paid for it makes me less angry. Because if I paid money for this utter pile of garbage I would have asked for it back and made everyone uncomfortable.

So yeah I didn’t want to like this movie no not because I’m an evil racist bigot- well there’s that, come on guise, one of my best friends is black *sweats profusely*. Just my usual loathing for stuff everyone likes and fauns over and my building disdain for marvel movies. And sometimes I eat crow and have to concede that the thing everyone likes is actually good and I liked it despite not wanting to. But this time I get to bask in the deliciousness of being totally justified in hating this dumpster fire of a movie people are hyping up purely for political reasons.

It is the newest of the emperors new clothes, an empty invisible nothing burger of a movie. Boring, badly acted, poorly written, with sloppy cheap looking effects it all in all comes off more like a bad panto than a blockbuster comic movie.

The movie sort of just starts, fuck, it was so boring and unimportant I’ve actually forgotten how it starts and I literally just watched it the other day haha. Just some boring unimportant fight scene to introduce a pretty pointless character that is kinda meant to be a love interest but now that I think about it there’s literally no romantic subplot. There’s just a girl there, that’s it. “Hey here’s that girl you loved and still do” Then pretty much nothing for the rest of the movie.

The story is about the main character (not attempting to spell his name so from now on I will refer to him as ‘Timmy’) … Timmy and he’s taking over being the black panther and ruler of wakanda from his dad…

What is wakanda you ask, well it’s basically a super high tech african secret village that mastered some magic space rock and they’re super advanced but still decide who their king is by fighting with spears naked- ok.

So he goes through this whole process to strip his powers to fight his challenger and of course he wins blah blah vision quest blah blah generic south african villain blah blah blah maguffin. Jesus christ this movie is almost too tedious to review. How much money did this movie make ten billion squillion dollars – fuck people are stupid, this planet is doomed.

So they go to korea for some reason to do some stuff and then they do some stuff and there’s a really boring action sequence with spears and a magic metal car that’s bulletproof.

Oh I forgot to mention there’s like a james bond q sequence where he gets these stupid gadgets, I think one controlled a car and then it was his suit and that was it. They couldn’t even imitate james bond in an interesting way. It’s just middle of the road, so run of the mill. It’s dull and paint by numbers and one thing that really irked me is accents.

I’m actually from africa, I can tell different african accents and for being an insular secret city with alien level technology they sure do seem to have a slew of different accents even spanning the same fucking family. Timmy clearly has something like a piss poor like west african accent like some interpretation of nigerian or ugandan trying to sound like Eddie Murphy from coming to america but his own blood relation sister has a South African accent. How is this fucking possible??? It just completely took me out of the movie, destroyed immersion for me or at least it would have destroyed immersion for me if the concept of wakanda hadn’t completely decimated it already.

I get it, super magic metal make technology… good. But the levels of tech in this movie are so stupidly advanced they might as well be magic. I mean you get that in sci-fi, but it usually always skirts the line between tech and magic, this just jumps over and might as well be a fantasy movie. You have magic plants that give people super powers and magic beam spears and space ships and did I mention magic blankets that shoot blue force shields?? Did a five year old write this? Also giant war rhinos. I checked out long before they showed up though.

The story is pointless, entirely throwaway and in fact it doesn’t even start until a good hour of time wasting into the movie. ‘Your father killed my father now I’m mad’ wow.

And I’d heard reviews shitting on this movie praising Michael B Jordans performance as Killmonger but I just thought he was a generic thug. His back story and character felt rushed (probably because he was at the start and then disappeared for an hour to reappear when the filler villain died). This whole movie I felt like these people are just on a stage pretending, this is panto, it feels fake, the accents, the fights, the costumes, the sets, the conflict, I’ve never been more aware I was watching a stupid marvel movie before this.

I never really felt any emotional drive from any of the characters. Killmonger just wanted to rule wakanda and take over the world I guess, generic bad guy stuff. Send black people magic guns to liberate them from their ‘oppressors’ whoever they are. Pretty sure if they’re in african countries their oppressors will be other black people, maybe chinese now.

And there’s this constant trope of having the main villain in a marvel movie just being the main hero but evil; Ironman/ironmonger, thor/loki, antman/locust? And I’m fine with that as long as they’re distinct. When they have the same or similar powers it’s tense because they’re on equal footing and they need to be smart or lucky to win. They pull ahead with heart and guts.

But in this movie their costumes don’t even look distinct, Ironmonger was atleast a giant cool looking iron man suit. Killmonger’s suit is literally just black panthers suit but with a gold trim and it’s all cg anyway so who gives a shit? The end fight is boring and looks bad because it’s just two identical cg guys fighting over nothing. And there’s this ‘big battle’ going on outside between the bald chick and the blanket shield guys with rhinos which starts ‘because movie’ and then ends ‘because movie’.
Nothing is earned, nothing is worked for in this movie, even the end fight between panther and killmonger, panther just wins ‘because’ movie. Ironman beat ironmonger because his suit was better tested and he out smarted him with the icing problem on the suit. Panther just wins because it says so in the script.

It’s a lazy stupid arrogant movie, which I could forgive if the acting were good or the action were entertaining but it’s not. I can say I enjoyed parts of Batman vs Superman because of the action and some of the visuals while still panning it as ultimately uninspired. It still took some risks, black panther is just mindless, a bubblegum movie lacking in any nutritious content with a trite sickly sweet message at the end that felt tacked on.

I’d say save your money but you already done spent it, it’s just another marvel movie that serves no other purpose but selling action figures and happy meals and pushing sequel bait and this just the latest and laziest entry in that pile of movies that history will ultimately forget.

See you…

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