Ryk Brink

Gage Chapter 9 ‘Wanted Man’

Ok so I’ve spent all morning procrastinating and drinking coffee trying to be alive so I’m just gonna get in complain about the witcher and then get out haha.
Nah but yeah, just been writing and proofreading, I put up the second chapter of Cur, it’s turning out pretty well. I promised myself I would go over each chapter as a rewrite not a soft proof read because I found myself sort of burning through them when writing. So I wanted to go back and give them all of my attention and I added quite a bit. I’m not sure how up to it today I am, because I’ve been trying to get up earlier and sleep less and I feel fried, hence procrastinating haha.
So maybe I’ll do it later or limit myself to one chapter a week. It doesn’t really matter that much how I fast I get them out, all that matters is they’re the best they can possibly be.
Ok now time to praise Parker and shit on the witcher. I said I would get back into reading Richard Stark Parker novels because they were more fast paced and tense and then I literally start the most boring formulaic one yet haha. Nah its great, it just has sort of a slow start because the weirdly they start in the job well thats not the weird, the weird part is the robbery goes without a hitch. But of course the hitches come later haha.
I just think the robbery went a little too long and was a little uneventful but otherwise it was fine, it’s back to form now and it’s solid as fuck, I love it. Tense, interesting, mysterious, cool characters and story, action.
Now compare it to the witcher, I read the first short of sword of destiny and it’s literally about Geralt NOT fighting a dragon. I was like ‘ok’, how is that a story ‘there’s a dragon over there, should you fight it? Y tho *leaves*. Oh dude you really subverted my expectations by having the monster slayer not fight the monster, that’s really edgy and interesting, oh wait no it isn’t.
I do like how this book is basically going deeper into Geralt and Yens relationship but what I don’t like is it’s still garbage haha. Yen is still a complete dumpster fire, the only positive thing I can say about her is she makes every character seem better by comparison.
I hated Dandelion in the game and at the start of the books but the moment Yen spat on him he’s been elevated to knighthood in my eyes haha. There isn’t a single character in these books that likes her except Ciri and even that’s begrudgingly haha.
I mean I can’t tell if the author intends for the reader to hate her or not but she literally has no likeable attributes, she’s arrogant, self-absorbed, mean spirited, catty, quick to anger and she smells funny haha.
I was actually starting to think the author might want us to hate her because the second story is sort of hinting that Geralt actually has no feelings at all, like he’s just a meat robot created to kill monsters. And the only reason he loves her is because she’s the only woman that could love a monster like him because he literally used a wish from a genie to force her to love him.
But at the same time, I’m pretty sure Triss and Shani probably love him without magic but he thinks Yen is the safest bet because of Genie magic. So I really don’t know what he’s going for it’s just unpleasant to read any scene with her in. Its well written of course but it’s also like reading a really well worded phone book. It’s good but nothing really happens. I honestly think the ‘still a better lovestory than twilight’ meme doesn’t apply to this. Edward Cullen is infinitely more likeable than Yennefer. They have absolutely no chemistry, they barely even seem to like eachother.
Again this is just my jealous saltiness because I wish I could write as well as this but also I think more stuff happens in a chapter of one of my books than a whole witcher book. I’m not even kidding in terms of Blood of elves that books is just 350 pages of talking. I was telling this guy who is about half way through it that it doesn’t get any better and I could feel his heart breaking over facebook haha.
Oh yeah, I’m back on facebook again, for how long? Who knows, I’m bound to get banned again soon enough haha.

Anyway that’s enough ranting, I need to do some spamming or else lying with my eyes closed and not moving ergh.

See you…

–

*Note to the reader, the following is a concurrent entry from the diary of Dram Johansson section chief of the Chicago office of Xen Chiao global railways initative in the years following.

New York Feb 9th 1849

My how fortunes change, only a year or two ago I was busting rocks in the hot California sun. Blasting away and baking to death like some sort of lizard. And now I’m in this nice heat regulated office in the centre of the most metropolitan city in all of the world. The cental hub for trade on the entire earth and I have my own office.

It’s still rather small but it has my name on the front of the door and that’s all that matters. I look at the picture of Catharine on my desk and I think back on that horrible incident those years ago that drove her into such fits. I feel regret too on what happened, feeling that I could have done more and now I wonder what has become of my friend, sure he is dead or would wish to be.

I remember that day too for the loveliness of Catherine and for what felt like a fated meeting as she is now my wife. I took her as such and it was not without a great coaxing on my part. After Phineas’ accident and when he wouldn’t see her, she was distraught and I did my best to comfort her. I wrote her many the letter informing her also of her husbands firing and then his disappearance. And when I was promoted to work in the city I offered her a place with me there where I could provide for her and Gage’s daughter Eleanor.

I can’t say if this would anger Phineas or not, I have done my best to keep Catherine and his child in the finest of situations, they want for nothing. It almost feels like I’m writing a letter to him, begging for his forgiveness or his acceptance. Because deep down I know I was selfish, I wanted her and I took her because I could and now I wrap it in charity and hope and goodness when it was selfish. But I hope he would understand and if not for me they would most likely be in the poor house or forced to work some demeaning job as washer women both.

They’re as happy as I could imagine and she never speaks of him nor our daughter. Who was too young even to remember that I am not her real father and I love her as if she were my own flesh and blood. I would never let go of the happy short years we’ve spent together as a family. With my continued hard work and perservance perhaps I could even move up to work in the capital. And take them with me to have a life neither could dream of before.

You should see Eleanor now, what a beauty she’s growing into, just like her mother, precocious and smart, she’ll make a fine woman one day.

–

Read the rest on inkitt.

https://www.inkitt.com/stories/scifi/200344/chapters/9

June 14, 2018 0

War for the planet of the apes review (y tho savagery)

OK this is a weird one because this movie definitely isn’t new and it isn’t one that should catch much controversy, I just felt I had to get out my feelings about when I could much better be using my time to write poetry amirite haha?
It’s because I really liked the first two that I feel I have to get out my utter disappointment with this movie. I mean I was never super hyped to watch it because I waited this long to watch it but I was sort of saving it as a solid movie to watch when I was sick of watching the trash they put out these days and pass for good content.

And I’m watching it and getting into it and it’s all good then the main plot kicks in and it’s kind of predictable, a standard sort of revenge movie set up oh and Woody Harrelson is in it, like he’s in fucking everything these days.

He’s actually one of the big problems I have with this movie, not him personally I watched him in that three billboards movie made by the guy who did seven psychopaths and that’s probably the best movie I’ve seen all year, that and Blade Runner 2049, fantastic movies.
No my problem with him is he can’t carry a movie. He works great in in true detective bouncing of Mathew Mconahay (I don’t care how his name is spelt haha) or alongside Jessie Eisenberg in Zombieland. Harrelson as part of an ensemble cast slips right in perfectly.
But in this movie it’s literally just him and Andy Serkis. I mean wtf did you really run out of money from the first two movies? The first two movies are literally brimming with excellent actors delivering fantastic performances and each film has at it’s heart a human story.

What’s the human story in this movie? Oh there isn’t one because humans are evil and war like and should just all die.
The other two movies have progression, you follow each character as the plot unfolds and they’re paced really well, they feel like journey’s and have satisfying conclusions and you feel like something has been learned on both the human and ape side.

But that’s the main problem with making movies that are prequels, we all know the people are going to basically go extinct and become the classic planet of the apes. On the other hand these movies really didn’t follow the lore very closely so I could have seen a twist coming where that didn’t happen. It just seems like they wanted to wrap it all up in these movie- humans all die now. It felt sort of forced.
The pace was bad there weren’t enough set pieces. Caeser is in his cave then badness happens needs revenge, goes to place where bad guy is, bad stuff happens, bad guy dies. There really isn’t enough there, there aren’t enough characters or story to sink your teeth into in comparison to the other two films. There isn’t a single likeable human character aside from the little girl who totally pointless spoilers is called ‘Nova’ a character in the original movies there’s no way she could be because those movies are set hundreds of years later haha. So I guess that was just dumb fan service that maybe a handful of people would get.

I really just struggled to identify with the apes, I know shocking. I like Caeser as a character, I liked following his arch in the previous movies but he seemed very two dimensional in this movie and Woody Harrelson was also a two dimensional non-villain.
Also whereas in the previous movie the messages were subtle and you could sort of compare the apes to a number of groups in terms of metaphors this movie is totally on the nose about it.

They’re literally using the apes as slaves and whipping them – ok then.

It just came off as disingenuous and dumb and tacky.

Moreover I didn’t like the movie because it tries to make you celebrate the death of the human race. I’d always hoped these movies would have been more optimistic and maybe changed the outcome. But by the end of the movie they’re expecting audiences to cheer as all the humans who are just faceless soldiers are wiped out. It just didn’t sit right with me.
Because you’re supposed to be like ‘well now that those evil humans are gone the apes are free to create a totally peaceful society of their own’ when anyone who’s seen the original movies knows they go back to basically feudalism and it’s totally chaos and there are wars between the various factions of apes constantly. So they’re not only not an improvement on humans they’re literally worse.

I dunno, I just see all the praise for this movie and it’s just shocking to me because it was such a step down from the previous two. I just had to get my thoughts out.

Venting complete haha. And I know I’m not just a wanker who can’t enjoy anything because I literally loved Blade Runner 2049 and I thought I would hate it and I watched a movie called the ritual last night which was pretty great so….

See you…

June 13, 2018 0

Diana After Dark Chapter 16 ‘Dark Descendants’

Yoyoyo- and that’s enough of that.
Gonna keep this one terse because I want to get right into more proofreading and editing, had a bit of a weird week. I dunno, I finally got all my day job work stuff and Diana editing out of the way and then I sat down to write Cur and I was just fucking braindead haha. Isn’t that always the way, fucking sods law.

I dunno, I just felt sort of tired and run down and it was like getting blood out of a stone, nothing like the first week. Writing is weird like that, it’s like the weather, there are good days (in this case weeks) and bad. But I had to write something so I stayed the course telling myself that today I would fix all the lazy bullshit haha. I met a nice quota just barely hammering out the plot. I made a few hotfixes I think help the story a long and I’m feeling my villain. I’m worried he might be more sympathetic than my hero now but that might be exactly what I want haha.

So I’m gonna keep on trucking with that, I just sent out my mailing list newsletter with the freebies so that should find it’s way to you if you’re reading this. I meant to send it out last week but I was busy and it just fell out of my head, better late than never though. No updates really beside that I watched war for the planet of the apes and it really rustled me so I might do a review on that just to get it out haha.

That’s about all.

See you…

–

I just sat there for a moment looking down at it, turning it in my hand, getting a feel for the weight. The weight of his words swishing around in my head. I didn’t have to ask if they were true, it just made some sort of insane sense, a puzzle piece falling into place, this was what I waiting for.

“What do I do?”

“Whatever you want.” He smiled.

A lapping feeling of dark waves pouring over me, covering me, feet first. It was like a dream, like a wish. A whole dark world opened up before me, welcoming me in like some returning hero from long exile. I was home, whatever that meant. I went from a sad emo only child with a serial killer blog to Dark Diana mistress of the damned with not one but two siblings of the night at her side, more or less.

“Oh yeah” He said suddenly raising to a mid-crouch, the ceiling being far too low for his stature. He leaned over Wendy and opened each eye and then gave her a few little love taps to bring her just to the brink of consciousness. “I gave them just a little more than you to keep them under. I didn’t know whether you wanted them to talk, sometimes I like them to talk, confess, scream, spit.” He paused and looked down at her like she was Christmas ham and then looked back up at me and smiled that plastic smile. “It seems necessary sometimes but it’s up to you. I think she’s passed a confession at this point.”

“I know all I need to.” I said stonily.

“I figured as much.” He smirked.

Wendy’s head rolled back and forth and her eyes fluttered open and she looked around confused. Unable to move her head as it was pinned with plastic wrap across her forehead. She saw me and her eyes got hot and spicy, I could almost see blood squirting out of them.

I could feel it then, my heart pounding, the dark dancer gripping the knife, moving my hand, my feet moving on their own, letting go, letting it take me as it purred incessantly in my ears. I stood like someone yanked my strings and glided over by her side and looked down at her. She was beautiful, a perfect specimen really, it was a shame. A beautiful tragedy.

She was my friend, kind of. That’s what made it special I guess, the setting, the night, the company. She looked up at me with wide terrified eyes now, she saw the knife, she could feel the squashing pressure of it now. The helplessness, the hopelessness. The cornered animal anger leaving and being replaced with a dreadful solipsism. She could feel it now, see it in my empty eyes, she knew she was about to be swallowed, there was no other way. Not a muscle she could move, not a penny she could spend, not an eyelid she could flutter. Nothing would spare her this, this was fate, this was the end, her end and it was as beautiful and poetic one as I could ever hope to see.

Only one question savaged me; Where to start?

–

For the rest of the chapter and to read the others head on over to inkitt.
Dark Descendants

June 12, 2018 0

A quiet place – Review

I wasn’t really planning to review this movie but then I saw all the insane buzz around it and my contrarian senses were tingling and I had to get it out. Honestly I didn’t hate it, it was just like ‘bleh’ it was a nothing burger of a movie for me. Tired re-used ideas done before, better and worse a hundred times and it really didn’t work for me. But fuck me if rotten tomatoes aren’t sucking the sweat from this movies balls.

It’s disturbing, and I don’t really get why. I understood why they were fanning get outs balls, it was the same reason black panther negative reviews were deleted, it was the race angle. But for this I have no idea why everyone has to like it, are deaf kids the new black guys?
I watched it with my brother who is an avid pirate arr and I just couldn’t get into it. The movie seems to never get going then it ends. I remarked to him that it was kind of like tremors meets it comes at night but not as fun or interesting as either. Actually this movie really makes me appreciate it comes at night more, despite the fact nothing actually comes at night the movie could have been half an hour longer at least. But it was suspenseful and interesting and did the end of world scenario in a fresh interesting way.

A way this movie doesn’t do. This movie is basically the road without the road, it’s stakeland without the land. It’s I am legend without the legend, can I stop this now?

I’m not going to get bogged down in the lazy/non-existent world building or sperg out about the many many plotholes and inconsistencies, if we did that we’d be here all day and all we’d have to show for it would be a headache.
The main problem I have with this movie is there’s no journey, there’s no attempt at a story or an arc or a goal. And it’s so easily done. The whole movie is centred around Blunt’s character having a baby so maybe there are complications and they need to find a doctor, or they hear a radio frequency about a settlement or something, anything but nothing like that happens. The movies plot could fit into an episode of tales from crypt, farmhouse attacked by sound monsters the end. Nothing happens the whole movie is just a circular mess of chasing around this farmhouse and pointless filler to get to the main beats of the bath scene and the *spoilers* dad’s death sequence *spoilers end*. And that whole scene is sad but it feels unearned and shoe horned in to a point that it makes the rest of the movie seem pointless.

The bath scene particularly I didn’t find tense at all because I knew she’d be fine, I knew none of the kids could die because they already made a big deal about killing one of their kids in the opening of the movie. So it’s completely without tension because I know none of these characters can die and there aren’t any other characters around them to act as monster fodder.

So there’s no story but movies like this can get by with no story as long as there’s a tense character drama like Cloverfield lane but there’s no character drama either because no one can talk. There are only four characters, beard shooshing dad, pregnant mom, deaf kid, none deaf kid. Emily Blunt and Krasinski are married in real life and they have a lot of chemistry during interviews but in this movie they’re playing a couple with little to no chemistry there’s no levity or romance. You’re supposed to believe these people care about eachother but their kids are running around a corn field with sound monsters that somehow took out the entire of america’s military and they’re like ‘they’ll be fine the script says so’.
The deaf kid is ok as long as it said in the script to do your best Dustin from stranger things pretending to be a fish impression, then she was spot on, the other kid is just a non-entity.

The main beats of the movie are painfully predictable, when the thing with the earpiece came up as a plot device for defeating the monsters my brother turned to me and said “Swing away” and he nailed it, it was just like that. It was a stupid Shamalamamadingdong premise, oh the sound monsters don’t like weird frequency noises, no one in the whole of america thought of using sound weapons on monsters that hunt by sound, wouldn’t it be awesome if we had something like sound cannons. Yeah that’d be great.
It was painfully dumb and I think honestly it’s just because I’ve seen too many movies I can just work out every beat of the movie and see the structure. This movie’s structure is mess, it’s a circle, they don’t go anywhere, no story is progressed, there’s no arc, we’re supposed to feel like they’ve been on some epic journey by the end when they’re on their front lawn.

By the end of the movie where the epic plot twist is that the monsters are powerless without their heads I turned to my brother and I said; “Emily Blunt is going to cock the shotgun and then the credits will roll” and would you guess that’s exactly what happened.

And we couldn’t believe it, that was the cheesiest and worst ending I could’ve imagined to this movie that was going for this serious grounded tone, it suddenly becomes aliens. I almost burst out laughing. It was so cheesey and unselfaware yet all the critics at rotten tomatoes are totally drinking the coolaid.
I mean is it as bad as Tom Hanks on like an actors guild video saying Get out is the greatest movie ever? Not really, it’s pretty bad but not that bad. I was talking about that to my brother and I said ‘Can you imagine if he was talking about It follows, people would laugh in his fucking face’ and It follows actually was a really clever horror movie with great atmosphere and genuine scares but no one would dare elevate it to the level of get out because it wasn’t directed by a half black guy and it wasn’t about racism, or whatever the fuck that movie was about.

I mean Quiet place isn’t bad, it’s just derivative and unoriginal and really unsatisfying, just watch the road or stakeland or war of the worlds, they’re the same movies but ten times better. People actually have arcs and they do stuff and go on a journey, there are characters and dialogue and goals and emotions not just people signing “I love you” at eachother. Fuck it ignore the critic group think behind this movie and just go watch Tremors, it’s like a quiet place if it was any fun.

See you…

June 7, 2018 0

GS2 Chapter 18 ‘Pretty girls make graves’

Good day fine people what is up it’s your boi NAME REDACTED.

Ok so a break up to the usual form just from pure saltiness really. I got super excited by having a chapter of Cur done and somewhat dusted and I can’t wait to get some feedback and people love the first chapter then some middle aged woman is giving me three stars because I spelled Coat of arms wrong haha.
So I was ‘ok bitch well your story better be fucking shakespeare’ and of course its some fucking trashy sci-fi mommy porn with the cringiest dialogue ever. It’s almost unbearable to read, and she seems to think just saying HARD COCK over and over classifies it for the romance section. That aint no romance, fucking some blasian dude over a vr sim hardly puts it next to romeo and juliet haha.

So I rip into this cringefest because it’s so fucking obvious what the plot is and its so badly put together and I always love it when they complain about my reviews. Because I only ever review the first chapter of stories on inkitt because that’s really the time you have to grab someone’s attention. If the first chapter is shitty the rest of the book has no hope, if that’s what you put out first the rest of the book doesn’t stand a chance. And I’m not prepared to waste all my time reading them through if they’re not enjoyable right off the bat.
But these people always whine ‘you can’t say the book is bad if you haven’t read the whole thing’ which is like saying ‘you don’t know the sandwich is full of dogshit until you eat it all’. Yeah no, I knew the witcher blood and elves was shitty under a quarter of the way through but I stuck it out because people said it was good, people were wrong, very wrong.

And I was talking to this person on inkitt and they were saying the second chapter is where it really gets going and I was like ‘Ok so why don’t you make that the first chapter haha?’ And I’m seeing this stuff with apologists for blood and elves too. I literally saw a comment on a negative review saying something like ‘dumbass the story only gets going in book 2’ and I’m like ‘well why didn’t he fucking start with book 2 then?’

It’s maddening, if your story starts at chapter 7 make chapter 7 your first chapter and work backwards because no one is going to make it to chapter 7 especially if your chapters are like 6k a piece. And I’m not going to read chapter 2 if chapter 1 both bored and disgusted me haha.

Ok so if I read your whole book then can I shit on it haha? That’s what I did for blood of elves haha. That’s time I’ll never get back haha.
I’m reading sword of destiny now because I skipped it somehow but it’s just a short story collection like last wish so it’s not so bad. I literally said ‘if Geralt isn’t balls deep in a griffin in the first chapter I’m not reading another page’ and low and behold you don’t actually see him fighting it but when he first appears he’s carrying a dead basilisk under his arm and then a random guy appears and one of his sexy bodyguards decapitates a spotty faced kid for no reason. So it has my attention for now, again I don’t feel the usual pull to read like I usually get because there’s no drive of story, it’s just a rambling short story, it has no real pull of a main plot so I’m not dying to know what happens next like I am when I read Parker or Dexter novels (I really want to read another parker novel haha) actually fuck it I’m going back to the Parker novels, now that I think about it, Parker is probably a better basis for Cur than Geralt, Geralt is sort of cuck compared to Parker haha.
It’s totally due to the times they’re written in, the witcher is in written in the ‘muh waman respacter’ times of the 90’s post women’s lib and all that shit so the writing is really cucky and the story really focuses on the women in an asinine and also slightly pervy way (Ciri and Yenniffer love to take baths).

Whereas Parker is written in the sixties the women back handing generation haha. It’s much more satisfying haha, yup gonna read Deadly Edge next, fuck the witcher haha.

Ok so updates, not much to go over on the writing front, been dayjobbing it for a while so hopefully next week I can get back to it but almost forgot I got the next part of Diana After Dark back and that’s what I’ll be doing most of the day, just going over that and writing more reviews probably but significantly less savage ones haha.

See you…

–

Birds chirped happily, dogs barked. The sun was growing fat in the sky, smiling down on the snowy mountain town just now rolling out of bed.

A door opened on a suburban house, just missing one white picket fence. A round man in a shirt and tie came out of the door with a big winter coat in one hand and a steaming travel mug in the other. His hair a sheened brown quafe, the sides shaved down. A piece of toast sticking out of his mouth as he rounded the door jam.

He got to about halfway down the end of the drive to his waiting Volkswagen before a sweet voice called out to him.

“Honey, you forgot your briefcase.” A curvy redhaired woman called out to him smiling with high impact cheek dimples.

“Thangs honeybear” He said filtered through his piece of toast. He didn’t have any hands free so he looked around and put his travel mugs on the hood of his car. He cut back across the lawn to get his briefcase. Only to be football tackled by a two hundred pound five foot eight red squirrel.

And then a fox piled on top, and then a green honeybadger and a few others started a frenzied attack. All subtlety had died with master and they’d reverted back to mindless beasts with only one purpose. They’d changed from mind controlled zombie puppets to plain flesh hungry monsters. Ripping and tearing and feeding fresh meat into their furry mouths. Unaware that they could take the masks off. Their real hands underneath their costumes digging deep into their victims chest cavity. Pulling out organs like tickets from an arcade machine. The pain of which could only be maddening, like being gutted by a spoon covered in soft foam.

His wife, frenzied. Spinning into a temporary spell of insanity. Still she had the foresight to slam the door behind herself and lock it to keep the furry menace out. Bracing her wide frame against the door as the two locks probably weren’t enough.

A strange sound like fireworks on a bobsled hitting a dirth of snow hard in her backyard. Confused she went to investigate. Parting the curtains in her kitchen overlooking her lawn.

A strange metallic container had deposited itself in what could have been a rose garden. If it wasn’t so fucking cold here. It was like an alien seed right out of little shop of horrors.

“What the hell is that?”

Seemingly forgetting about what just happened to her husband. Unbeknownst to her, her town was being ravaged by zombie animal costume fetishists. She opened her backdoor and stepped out onto her back lawn to get a better look at this cosmic buttplug.

It was cold but she didn’t much care, the thing was hot and steaming, melting away the top layer of snow. It started to crack not unlike an egg, smoke and steam and a putrid smell leaking out.

“Oh my god”

An odd amniotic substance started leaking out of it. A little brown shape plopped out of the pod and melted the snow down to the frigid grass underneath.

“Is that a, baby?” The woman said getting closer to the still thing on the grass, that did look a little like a newborn fetus.

She got closer and started to brush off some of the fluid with the hem of her blouse. Then she picked it up not sure what to do with it but something nurturing was on her mind.

The ‘Baby’ opened it’s eyes and started to cry. She tried to calm it but it’s entire body shook. Then it melted through her arms into a viscous puddle at her feet growing wider and thick.

She was too stunned to speak, this felt more and more like a dream by the minute, Salvadore Dali on a good day. She stepped back wordlessly from the growing puddle of matter. It started growing larger and more violent. A tempest of matter growing long thick tongues, choosing it’s form, choosing a destructor.

She backed away to the door, the latch frozen shut again. She jiggled it and then the entire door was pulled off at the hinges as she clung to it. A long squamous tentacle dragged her across her lawn into the stationary puddle. More leathery tentacles taking shape enveloping her and well you’ve seen anime, you know where this is going.

–

Pretty girls make graves

June 6, 2018 0

Real Fantasy by Sonya Gammon (I review sci-fi mommy porn)

(Yes that header image is what you get when you google “sci-fi mommy porn”)

It probably says a lot about me that my first concern is that the vr suit must stink haha. But she has some sort of magic suit washer maguffin which is fine but I would have just laughed my ass off if she couldn’t wash it and it just started to smell like a dead body haha..
My first impressions are are not bad but not great, it’s not something I’d really read, I was thinking it would be more sci-fi and less straight up mommy porn haha. I’m not like a prude but it just doesn’t do anything for me and I couldn’t tell if the dialogue was cringey on purpose as part of a satire or it was just my natural reaction to cringe at some of the lines.
The plot is pretty straight forward and I can pick out a lot of the plot points right off the bat, the glaringly obvious one is where she takes time to highlight that the ‘end game’ command always works, so obviously a plot point later on will lead to it not working.
The problem is it’s not really that original, it just takes two over used concepts vr and mommy porn unfulfilled housewife and combines them. I guess that’s what you’re supposed to do but not being an unfulfilled housewife I can’t say it really appeals to me. I mean the crux of it is by the end of the chapter do you want to know who her stalker is and I really didn’t find myself caring. He didn’t really do anything more interesting than have sex with her.
The sex stuff wasn’t that gripping honestly, there wasn’t any actual eroticism above just describing the organs and their various states and functions. I’m not the market for it but I’m sure lots of people would find it very titillating.
The writing was good though, I like the perspective and a lot of times it sort of made me think of Dexter. It just gave me this vibe like there was something darker there. Like maybe if you’d set it further on in the story where the stalker had actually done something or was some kind of crazed murderer or something along those lines and then cut back to how it started their meeting might have felt more impactful.
This probably sounds weird considering it’s a story about Vr but there isn’t a lot of setting going, she’s in her house, and then whoosh she’s in a magic vr room behind a bookcase.
For me it’s either start her in vr or describe the house and room and do some place setting, you just kinda went ‘she’s in a house- woosh magic vr room’. Might have been more fun just to start her in vr and then to establish the vr premise by having her change games mid vr session instead of her going into dexter’s lab haha. Or if you’re going that route have an establishing sequence where we set up the house and the family, show don’t tell.
That’s what I found really unsatisfying, lots of the exposition just feels crammed in between thrusts forgive the analogy but awkwardly jammed in there haha.
Overall I think the premise is fresh for mommy porn as vr is sort of more of an otaku weeb thing so it could go over well for that demographic. I just think there needs to be more work on scene setting, I get that its hard to restrain yourself and you want to get right into the meat of the story ‘the action’ if you will but some deferred gratification is necessary to lay the ground work to avoid the needless exposition.
I have no real problem with exposition as you can probably tell from my work but only if there’s no other option and it’s done in a way that’s interesting or fresh. I really think that everything she says in exposition could have been shown to the reader in a more interesting way than just her telling us.
So just some constructive criticism, it’s not bad, it’s just not for me but I think lots of people would like it and I wish you all the best with it.

If you wanna read it, links below.

Real Fantasy

June 5, 2018 0

Cur Chapter one ‘Who wants to live forever?’

Well would you look at that, is there anything sweeter than a first chapter?

It’s a really good feeling, a feeling I thought I’d lost but then came back stronger than ever and just completely reinvigorated me body and soul. I was kind of stewing after Diana, waiting for the next wave of creative euphoria to hit me and boy did it hit me. I was just kind of going through the motions filling quotas with Gage and 3 Ring, just fun distractions this is the meat, this is heart and soul fire this is what I was born for.

You can tell I don’t really give a shit about Gage an 3 Ring because I really don’t care what people think about them and I haven’t asked for reviews, whereas with this I want people to review the first chapter now goddamit haha. But I think it’s good to keep your pen moving, keep your stick on the ice even if you aren’t feeling it. Just to keep yourself in top form ready for the big game haha. Analogy salad.

The greatest advice I could give another writer if I were asked to do so is just to keep writing, keep practising and keep doing what you love until that one day lightning strikes. Because as long as you are doing what you love it will.

But if you’re not it wont.

Ok so quickly I’m not going to rag on the witcher today, there was actually a decent fight scene in blood of elves, it lasted like two pages but it was ok, then straight back to talking and Ciri taking a bath. I will do an amazon review when I finish it, just for my own sanity, just to get all the salt out of me head haha.

Ok now back to the important shit, so this chapter is basically a character hook so I can unload a lot of backstory in the huge next chapter which still isn’t finished haha (sorry). But the second chapter is really cool and ends in a couple of really awesome fight scenes some of the best I’ve ever written. I kind of glossed over the big battles as exposition because I mean shit, how do you write big battles as compelling? Is that even possible? I mean to me as someone who was a fighter, a fight is more than just swords clanging it’s about personalities clashing ans when you just have these waves of faceless people smashing against eachother it just seems like a sex scene with two blow up dolls, there’s no fun for me there. It was a videogame I’d feel totally different but its not so :P.

I took a lot of inspiration from The Witcher which I suspect takes a lot of inspiration from the Berserk series which I absolutely adore, it’s probably the only fantasy series I follow religiously. A lot of my inspiration especially later on in the book and somewhat for Cur as a character comes from that.

Ok so enough waffling (now I’m hungry) this chapter is going live on inkitt today gonna get writing a blurb and a teaser for it after I transfer from coffee to green tea (he says as he spills coffee all over himself, fuck my life. It was just a flesh wound.

Yeah then I’m gonna try and get some first chapter reviews and get my buddies at work to read it and tell me it’s better than the witcher all they’re all fired haha.

Still proofreading chapter two which is a bit overlong and a bit of a mess and wrestling with some plot changes I made later on that I’m ironing out.

But other than it’s full steam ahead and check out that dank cover art I found haha.

If you want to read it in a mobile format without all my waffling head on over to inkitt right here.

Cur: Blood and Soil

–

The fire pit popped and cracked in the center of the round house. The farmers gathered close with their mead and whiskey to wait as the bard Coirpre tuned his lute. Breathing in and out deeply as he plucked each string in turn. Sitting with his back to the daub wall, where finger marks could be seen in the crudely layered earthen clay.

The ridges of the branch frame sticking out in places like the ribs of a starved horse. A facsimile of the Leinster cote of arms; that of the golden harp hung above the hearth.

A mouse ran along the beams as the wind howled outside. The cold seeping through the thatching making a terrible ghostly whistling noise and disturbing the fire.

The bard doffed his grouse feathered cap and smiled as he rested the lute in his lap and started to play.

“This poem, I have affectionately dubbed; ‘Bres the bastard’” The poet smiled glancing around the room for a covered smile but found naught but dead silence.

“What?!” A woman cawed at once.

A man in green tunic leapt from his stool “We feed you and give you a bed and you insult our king?!”

“Good people, it’s merely satire; you wouldn’t criticize my work before even hearing it would you?

“That you may die roarin like Doran’s arse we would aye!” A broad bearded man said.

“Please there’s no need for this, another ballad perchance, I have many”.

“Many a time a man’s mouth broke his nose” The bearded man spat.

“What’s a ‘bastard’, grandfather?” A little girl asked as she bounced on the old man’s knee twiddling her braided hair tween her finger and thumb.

The old grey haired man in the grey woolen cloak looked down at her and sighed “Well it’s a man ere not knowing who his father be.”

The little girl scrunched up her freckled face “How could he not know that?”

“Well ya see-“ The old man turned his long grey face to the banging shutters. Then glanced over and the small crowd gathered around the poet shouting and heckling and pulling at him.

“Grandfather, can you tell me the story of the other king instead?” She said swinging her blond plaited hair about her bonny face unable to keep still.

“Child, I’ve told you that story so many times you should be able to recite it by rote”

“And I could that” The little girl pouted and preened.

“Well go on with yourself then”

“I will” The little girl put her hands on her hips and tipped her head back putting her finger to her lips. “Mmm well there once was these men”

“Were they just men were they?” Her grandfather jested.

“There once were these people, mmm and they were called the Nemedians, and this was their land and they called it, erm… Inish Alga, which means; ‘the noble isle.’”

“Yes”

“But then they got sick and there was a big wave and legends say these mean monsters called the Fomori came and chased them all away. But… they didn’t all go to the same place.”

“No, where did they go child?”

“Half went north to the cities of knowledge.” The little girl’s voice droned a little as if she were reading the names. ”Falias, Gorias, Murias and…. erm…. Finias!” He caught her breathe and swallowed. “-To be with the gods and most importantly the mother god Danu. She bathed them in light and knowledge and shared with them her blood and they became the children of Danu. The Tuatha De Danann, which is you and me” She smiled.

Her grandfather nodded “Go on child”.

“The other Nemedians weren’t as lucky. They went south and were slaved and treated very badly by the dwellers of that land for hundreds of years. Those mean people made them carry huge sacks of dirt on their back from morning until night. Made to eat the worst food and live in the most horrible conditions.

But like the winter makes the tree bark gnarled and like iron; the children of Nemed became savage by nature. As soon as a male child was born he was thrown in a pit with hungry dogs and if the boy child didn’t kill the dogs with his bare hands, it would surely kill him.

Soon they became so strong growing to the size of giants they broke free of their slave masters and slaughtered them. Carrying sacks of dirt on their backs twice the size of them all the way through the desert and across the sea to the land they knew as their home Inish Alga.

They called themselves ‘The Firbolg’ the people of the bag after the earth that shaped this land.

The earth they took from that harsh realm transformed this land from craggy cliffs to a rich farmland. For a long time they cultivating the land endlessly warring amongst themselves for control of the island.

“Then what happened” Her grandfather smirked.

“Then we came” She chirped. “Although grateful to Danu for sheltering them, the Tuatha de’ never felt truly at home and longed to return to the island they left so many years ago. With the knowledge and magic given to them by Danu they set out to return to their ancestral homeland.

But when they got to the shore in their great flying ships the Firbolg were not happy to see them. The Tuatha pleaded that they might have only a fifth of the island to call home but the cruel king Eoichid the Prideful rejected them as he only knew war. The Firbolg didn’t know how to share the land. They didn’t know how to live in tune with nature like the Tuatha de’, seeking only to bend it to their will.

The Tuatha pleaded for peace with their long lost brothers but the Firbolg denied them time and time again and before long war was their only option.

The Tuatha were not afraid of war, they had mastered the magic of the gods and were skilled warriors. But the Firbolg were a formidable foe and they outnumbered the Tuatha ten to one. Each Firbolg almost double the size of any Tuatha de’.

Still they met on the field of battle and the Firbolg even with their superior numbers and even with their size and strength could not beat the Tuatha de Danann.

The high king Eoichid angered by this challenged Nuada king of the Tuatha to a duel to decide the fate of the isle. Knowing that he could kill Nuada with one blow. Nuada accepted and with one vicious blow Eoichid cut Nuada’s shield in half and took his arm at the root. But Nuada with the last of his strength bested the wicked high king.

Without their leader all the Firbolg knew was to fight and they would fight without end until they were all wiped out. In Nuada’s mercy he offered them a province all of their own so they might live. As a reward for their bravery and martial valor. They accepted and retreated to Connacht, never to be seen again. Some say a plague took them or they fled under the hills but Connacht is a strange and haunted place to this day where no Tuatha de’ dare tread.

King Nuada in his victory renamed the isle Inish Vale ‘The island of Destiny’ after the stone they brought with them from Finias. But Nuada could not be king because a king must be perfect and without his arm he was not fit to rule. So the crown fell to Bres the bas- the Bres the Beautiful and everyone lived happily ever after.”

The old man smiled and clapped his young prodigy “Well done lass, well done.”

She smiled and tussled her hair to take a small bow.

Then there was the sharp sound of fist thumping a table rife with malice.

“Liar” A scarred voice said.

“I beg your pardon?” The old man rose defiantly from his bench to scan the round house.

All the men were at one side of the round house pommeling and kicking the poet. The women too crowded round to geer and throw pieces of mead wet bread and cabbage at him as he lay on the sodden earthen floor in the fetal position. One of the wenches taken to wearing his grouse feather cap in jest.

The only other figure was a stooped cripple dressed like a druid with a long dark hood and cloak.

“Identify yourself stranger, who is it that calls this innocent girl a liar?”

“I do” A cold gravelly voice said.

The figure sat alone unmoving on a small round table to himself, almost unnoticeable in the darkness of the round house until now. For that was his wish.

The old man stood and drew a slim short sword pointing the tip down.

“The crows curse on you! You will stand; show me the face of the man who would call!”

The man didn’t move from his seat.

The old man angered by his silence took to his side and slammed his hand flat on the table in front of the stranger.

“Briseadh agus brú ar do chnámha! You will rise and give me your name cur!”

“Cur will do” The man said, his voice sending a chill down the spine of the old man.

Without cause the stranger moved like water. Without thought or pause he pinned the old man’s hand to the table with a wide oddly shaped javelin head crudely fashioned into a sword or cleaver. The head of the javelin having a rounded point like a shovel which curved into two hooking spikes. Which then recurved inward on each side creating a harsh biting cutting edge like snakes fang.

The blade rounded shovel point was so wide it cut right through the old man’s hand and into the table. Cutting off all his fingers above the knuckle and the tip of his thumb. His white blood poured over the ash table and over the bench and on the floor.

The old man staggered back wordlessly clutching his bloody hand under his armpit. The sound of his light sword dropping on the floor draw the attention of the hecklers.

“What’s going on here?” The man in the green tunic said.

The old man swallowed and tried not to vomit or pass out “Call the chieftain” He huffed.

“What’s this?” The man said confusedly, then he saw the blood and drew a wide broadsword in one hand.

“What did he do?” The stranger in the cloak asked pointing at the crowd around the poet, kicking and jeering at him.

The man in the green tunic tightened his jaw and flared his nostrils looking back for a moment and then back at the stranger.

“He insulted our kings, what of it”

The stranger uncovered his long sinewy arm it bulged with a vicious vile intense hatred. He squeezed his fist and the room became hot with the beating of his blood. “Give me your kings!” He said in his low gravelly scarred voice. “-Let me squeeze them in my hand!”

“He’s mad”

The old man vomited and passed out, his granddaughter loudly sobbing over him as she tried to rouse him. “Grandfather!” She cried.

“Here” The man in the green tunic barked at the men crowded around the poet.

The men craned their necks trying to see by the light of the fire pit what he was jabbering about.

The stooped stranger stood to his full height then, a full two feet above every man in the round house.

With the same hand he took his hood down and a tuathan wench turning at the wrong moment bobbed her eyes at him and let out a horrifying shriek.

He was completely bald, his head and eyebrows cleanly shaven. One side of his face covered in strange markings that looked like scars but seemed all too deliberate and esoteric.

But the thing they noticed most of all was his ears.

They were rounded.

“He’s- he’s a human!”

“I thought they were all dead!”

“You missed one” The man raised an ominous smirk.

The little girl lunged at the stranger with the short sword and thrust it into his gut. Half blinded by her tears she didn’t miss her mark burying the blade up to the hilt.

He looked down at the girl and smiled and smacked his lips kissing at her mockingly.

She shook letting go of the sword and stumbling backwards.

He laughed maniacally and pulled it out covered in his hot red blood and tossed it on the ground at the onlooker’s feet.

“Red”

“Is he a monster?“

“Firbolg!”

“Dear Deugh!”

“Vampire!”

“He should be dead!”

The man in the green tunic swallowed his cold feeling of dread as he watched the stab wound close by itself. The elven young lad flung himself as if dragged by the tip of his sword at the giant.

Cur turned faster than his size would deem possible and corked his blade from table and found it a new home in the lad’s soft skull. His face cleaved open by the wide spiked tip. His white blood and brain matter showering his kinfolk.

And the women wailed so.

The blade still buried in the lad’s face he tossed the lad like an empty sack of grain and tore his cloak from his shoulders. The man was large even for a human and was built of sinew and limestone and held together by bile and hatred. His chest heaved and his shoulders hawed but only one arm held a sword. The other was gone. Replaced only by more of the hideous scarification.

“He’s a cripple – all at once!” The crowd turned from the battered poet who lay bruised and bloodied and covered in piss.

The stranger laughed and let his tongue roll out of his mouth lapping at the air madly like a dog or a viper hungry for their blood.

One lurched out of the stolid pack raising a sword above his head. The odd shaped chopper swung under him fast and light and delivered a deep gaping hungry dull chop across his gut. The sound it made like an oar cutting through a wave sent shivers through the hecklers and tossed their bellies. The elf doubled over heaving, a ghastly wheezing sound coming out of his side.

The woman in the grouse feather cap lunged at him with a pitchfork pinning the Firbolg against the daub wall, he smiled at her with blood in his teeth. Cur snapped the haft with one powerful strike and with another he split her down the middle.

The other peasants dropped everything they had and ran at the sight of her bisected body.

“What is this?”

“Halt!”

Cur turned to the entrance and saw two heavily armored dwarves with long pikes and iron shields ready to greet him. He pulled the pitch fork head out of his guts and dropped it.

“You’ll come with us now!” They ordered.

The Firbolg threw his javelin head sword into a table. He stooped with a mocking grin and put out his one hand for them to shackle.

“Did I do something wrong?”

The one that shackled him walked him out in front of the round house; the other went inside to retrieve his strange weapon. Admiring it quizzically.

They walked him through the tiny village. Consisting of a smattering of stone and clay round houses surrounded by a thatched branch fence next to the Dobber river. The large round hut was communal and the smaller ones were where the families lived. The biggest round house at the fair side of the fence was where the chieftain of Tallaght lived and held court.

Around the village the trees and hills were a deep emerald and sparkled with dew as the sun on occasion broke through the dense grey clouds. The wind and the rain a constant steady and gentle metronome.

Cur smirked at a woman feeding pigs knee deep in shit. She looked up at him with abstract horror in her face. They walked him on towards the large round house, his wicked mad laughter carrying over the trees as he went.

–

May 31, 2018 0

Death Wish (Current year edition)

This is one of those movies people say ‘you just couldn’t make that today’ and those people were right.

I was just trying to see when this came out and I made the mistake of going on rotten tomatoes and getting thoroughly triggered by the reviews whining about gun control and ‘muh drumpf’ just lame basic bitch takes, the movie sucks, we get it, you don’t need to insert your limp dick political opinion into- he says about to insert his throbbing hard dick political opinions into it.

Yeah so I pirated this movie because why the fuck would I pay money to see someone ruin a cult classic I happen to be a big fan of. I’m a massive fan of the original Death Wish series, they are the ultimate in guilty pleasures every single one of them.

But the fact of the matter is movies like that just can’t exist today without some ironic filter over them, we live in a post irony society where any satire on crime and violence has to be handled with kid gloves. There’s no other way than to say we live in a ‘pussified’, what do I mean by that?

Well the crux of this movie is basically about a guy who’s wife is raped and murdered by ‘gang members’ and I knew before this movie even started that they would not have the rape angle, or even mention it. I want to say the tone was wrong from the start but the point of the original is that his life was perfect and he lived in this shitlib bubble where he could avoid the draft by being a conscientious objector and have this idyllic life that couldn’t be destroyed by the world around him and how hard he fell down from that when the worst does happen. And it’s not some grand plot or scheme it’s just run of the mill evil.

And then he has to confront the fantasy world he’s been living in and do something about it, and the something is going on the streets of new york and shooting black peop- I mean muggers.

I’m not saying I love rape, I just think it’s telling that we’re trying to remake this movie about the gritty reality of crime and evil on the streets of new york and instead of getting these lowlife ‘gang members’ instead it’s these like high agency professional burglars who shoot someone basically because she was a fucking idiot and decided to throw boiling water at someone with a gun when there are three other guys with guns.

Actually looking at the rotten tomato charts makes me want to review Annihilation because it’s fresh as fuck on there and that movie was terrible haha.

It’s just seems like a totally unnecessary remake and probably one of the most phoned in phoned in Bruce Willis performance’s I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s like he phoned it in from the other side of the planet. In the original Charles Bronson doesn’t show a lot of emotion (well in any movie) but they don’t try to force it. He’s like this analytical architect. He’s more like this autistic spergy guy who instead crying and blubbering he becomes cold and calculating and methodical and does something about it. He sets out to murder people like he’s making a technical drawing and it’s really cool.

But in this they expect Bruce Willis to cry and give some heart and it just doesn’t fit. The original movie is dark as fuck (in more ways than one wink wink) but this movie has that sort of ironic wink wink nudge nudge levity that is nice but it doesn’t really fit. And the gore while cool is just over the top and silly and it just behoves me that you can show a man getting his head crushed by a falling car so his brains splatter all over the floor but you can’t see a woman simulating rape.

Or like in the walking dead where someone can be decapitated but they can’t swear or show any tits, fucking americans, amirite?

Ok now it’s time to address the elephant in the room, the bit you’ve all been waiting for, we’re going to talk about race. Trigger warnings start now people, if you’re easily offended… what the fuck are you even doing here? I write stories about zombie furries and samurai clowns killing transvestites.

Now if you’ve seen the original death wish movies it’s basically about a dude killing criminals in new york and if you were to take a side glance at the crime stats of new york you’d notice the majority of said offenders tend to be a certain shall we say ‘hue’. So you’d be forgiven for assuming most of the people Bronson guns down and in fact the people who rape and murder his wife are of said persuasion.

He goes around shooting random blacks, is that clear enough? He literally goes to like restaurants flashes cash around and walks around at night waiting for minorities to jump him so he can blast them.

See what I mean, not a movie that could be made today. But they did it anyway and it’s honestly pretty fucking laughable.

Not to say there weren’t white criminals in the death wish series, there are loads of them, the best lines of the second movie are where he’s killing that white christian guy haha.

“You believe in jesus?”

“Yes sir I do”

“Well you’re gonna meet him”

BLAM

Best bit in the movie haha. But the majority are black and hispanic which the crime stats bare out, in later movies not so much, I think in 4 and 5 it’s mostly white guys but I can’t remember. Despite making no sense because as most people know criminal gangs are almost always racially homogeneous, shock horror, criminals don’t care about meeting diversity quotas. Crime, the last bastion of meritocracy haha. So if this was a white gang there probably wouldn’t be any black or hispanic people and likewise if it was a black or hispanic gangs they’re not going to mix at all. There aren’t like honorary white members of the crips or ms-13, it just doesn’t happen, those fucking racists amirite haha?

But the funny thing about this movie is how desperately it’s trying to side step the race question. The majority of the criminals in this movie are white, and there are literally token minority criminals. I honestly expected there to be at least one black main villain a as token but nope. There’s like one mexican guy who dies in a car crash completely unrelated to the vigilante stuff, the gimmick in this movie is he’s a doctor not an architect so this guy is in a car crash and he recognises him somehow as this valet who takes his address from his car and then they go to rob him but that made no sense to me, why do they need this dudes address? Why not just go to the rich areas and rob them, does Bruce Willis just look like a pussy in this movie, I dunno maybe they tell him they’re going on vacation or something but they don’t and they get murdered.

Not his daughter of course, well not until the sequel which isn’t coming thankfully haha.

And then there’s one black drug dealer and it’s basically filler, he just goes up to him and shoots him and then there is like a mixed pair of assholes one mexican, one black who beat him up in an alley for reasons but they don’t die or reappear at all after that.

Almost all the doctors and nurses and cops and emts are black or women or mexican though haha. It just starts to be laughable at some point. Even the idea of professional burglars who also work in an autoshop is just dumb. Does this movie think criminals have a day job?

So all I can really say about this movie is it’s just totally hamstringed, it’s so fucking safe and so afraid of it’s own shadow it can’t accurately represent the world or tell a good story. It’s so afraid of triggering feminists and race hustlers it just becomes a fucking mess. And the ironic thing is the critics are still calling it racist when he kills like one black person in the whole movie while mowing down literal swaths of white people.

It’s representative of the social climate and it’s fucking clown world, it’s really sad actually that even a movie like this made by Eli Roth of all people is totally without balls.

Even aside from the political stuff, the basic bitch pro gun narratives which are fine and I’m sure still trigger shitlibs, the movie is kind of a mess. It’s all over the place with pacing and tone and it really isn’t a satisfying movie to watch really. The action isn’t really that remarkable honestly.

It makes me think of Taken and how awesome the action in that movie was and how edgy by current standard that movie is. Because it’s basically a dude killing a bunch of muslims to get his daughter back. Because he’s throughout the whole movie fighting the albanian mob who are people traffickers and albania is a muslim country and then a shakh buys his daughter.

It’s sad to think that even that movie couldn’t have been made today. Because it represents things and people that actually exist. There are muslim people traffickers in europe and this actually happens but if you draw attention to it or the crime stats in chicago you’re a racist because reality is racist.

It’s just totally pathetic and makes me sad haha.

That’s enough of that I think.

See you…

May 30, 2018 0

3 Ring Samurai Chapter 4 ‘Take the sword Part 1’

Good morrow fine folk, it is I your humble bard..

And that’s enough of that. Ok so updates; I fucking did it and it turned out pretty damn great. I wasn’t really intending to do my standard 2k a day word count challenge thing but I was just so fucking eager I start an hour earlier than I usually do and spent like the next four or five hours just bounding around this fictional world I was creating like a dog with a ball it it’s mouth. And before I knew it I’d written way too much and that’s pretty much how it went for the last four days but it did work out to a nice neat round a bout 8k.

So that right now shapes up to about a chapter and a half because I got a little carried away and the flashback chapter is like a short story in itself so I may have to break it down a little bit but it turned out really cool and it has one of the best (and shortest) fight scenes I’ve ever written, just the level of gravity and intensity really swept me away and I hope that goes the same for anyone reading it. If people have a tenth of the fun and excitement I got from just writing it then I’m on to a winner.

I almost couldn’t wait to get up this morning and write about and go over, this is the first time I’ve been this excited about proofreading and putting something on inkitt.

I think the first chapter is great, I had my baby mama go over it and she made me rethink the whole chapter and I’m so glad she did because I love the changes I made to it. I think the chapter really nails the character hook, she even compared him to Alucard from Hellsing, which was a character I wasn’t even thinking of but it was music to my ears. Although I hate that anime (Not so much hate it, I just found it underwhelming), Alucard is the only reason its worth watching.

Well anyway wanna keep this terse so I can actually do the proofreading I just mentioned so just want to mention inkitt a bit and then get on to some Blood and Elves hate which I find more and more of the more I read it.

I dunno, it’s weird ‘The One that Came Back’ is really popular on inkitt, it’s nearly surpassing Green Sunday which has been on way longer and I spammed the living hell out of and everytime I go on inkitt someone has added it to a list or saved it but I get new reads constantly when I never spam it at all and I literally give it away for free now haha. So that’s cool, I mean what are the odds that that is the first book I get legit published haha, that would be great but also suck since I wrote it in literally thirty days and lots of it is me just transcribing a documentary haha.

Ok so I realise why the witcher Blood of Elves sucks so much and it does suck, it was a meme at first, when I was like halfway through but I’m near the end now and I swear this book is like 95% really boring conversations about nothing. It’s literally just conversation after conversation and any action or interesting thing that happens in like a page or two then the conversation will just be the rest of the chapter and then it’ll cut away to another completely different conversation in another part of the world and it may or may not be related. That’s the whole book. And the chapters are stupidly fucking long, it’s a three hundred plus page long book and it has eight chapters, so you just have these bloated chapters full of pointless dialogue most of which could be shortened to a sentence at most. And what’s more is the chapters don’t really need to be that bloated, the chapter breaks seem arbitrary since there are constant cutaways without transition to other conversations entirely. It almost seems like chapters are there just as a formality.

So anyway, why it sucks. It sucks sort of for the same reason The last wish fell short. The last wish is just a series of short stories not connected except that they involve Geralt, that’s it. But it’s a series of fun and action packed short stories that are interesting and varied and have lots of subtle nods.

The problem with Blood of Elves is it’s not a novel, it’s a short story or two short stories that have been stretched out to be the length of a novel and packed with filler conversation and political commentary. That’s literally all it is. Because the main plot begins at the start to try and hook us then it’s filler city for the next hundred odd pages then there’s a smidgeon of action in the middle then the story is sort of coming back around at the end. Some people say the filler is like character fill but I don’t think so, the characters still seem really generic, I don’t feel like I know anymore about Geralt or Ciri and all I learnt about Triss is she can’t drink potions, maybe she’s lactose intolerant haha.

And it occurred to me last night that I gloss over romances in my stories because they don’t interest me. But I sort of pay some lip service to them but I make a point that it is lip service.

In this book he’s in love with a woman he literally forced to love him with magic genie powers and now they’re apart in this book but their epic romance is sort of just hinted at. So essentially *insert epic romance here*, it just struck me as really lazy having like a time jump to say they had a really great romance but now they’re avoiding eachother like the plague.

Anyway really didn’t meet my goal of being quick and concise but I will have the first chapter of Cur: Blood and Soil (working title) up on inkitt by the end of the week probably sooner. I really can’t wait to hear people’s opinion on it, although I probably wont source reviews on inkitt until I have more done, I’ll just poll the poles at work haha. My biggest fan is a polish guy I work with who got me into the witcher and now I hate it haha.

Ok must do actual work now gah!

See you…

–

“Morning Ethel, hows tricks?” Deputy Pete said, a cheeky grin painted on his wooden boyish face.

“Aint run tricks in here for years, ever since that damn circus came, snatched up all the good whores from here to the crater” Ethel stated.

“It’s just an expression-“ He smiled awkwardly taking stock of the bar with a quick side eye glance. He got a weird feeling all of a sudden but couldn’t explain it, like he walked into an animal cage and found it empty. Like something was looking at him deciding which part to pull off and eat first.

He swallowed but kept smiling as he tried to be as inconspicuous as possible sizing up the strangers in the bar. So far there were only two he could see, they were sat at a booth in the corner, the same one the clown was sitting in the day before but they weren’t clowns. Nevertheless they looked strange, the one facing his way was around thirty with dark receding hair and a grotesque scar on his neck that made the skin look pale and flabby. The one with his back turned was a giant with arms as thick as barrels, he was pretty hard to miss.

There were more in the back standing around the pool table. They were playing pool but there was something off about it. Their movements looked practised and robotic like they were playing pool in a stage play. Like no one was really interested in winning. Three guys, one a short jittery guy with spikey hair and beady eyes. A thin guy who was all angles with long hair tied back, and a tall guy with broad shoulders with his back turned.

“Ethel-I-err”

“What’s that?”

“Nothing- I just gotta check something.” Pete said not looking at her.

He hitched up his gun belt, took a deep breath and approached the two sitting at the booth. He walked slow and deliberately but neither of the stranger decided to notice him. Or his heavy footfalls on the loose wooden floor.

He cleared his throat and put on his best shit eating grin. “Anything I can help you folks with?” His feet betrayed him with the sound of boot leather tensing.

The one with the scar turned his eyes slowly up to look at the deputy, one of them was milky and probably blind. He cut a weird grin that made him look like a shark. It was the kind of face someone might make if they’d never seen their face in a mirror.

“No officer” he said in a soft mocking tone with a gravelly voice.

The large man let out a grunt or a groan and Pete tried not to stare at him.

“You folks staying long, it’s just we don’t get too many strangers out here.”

“We’re not strangers” the strange man smiled again.

“Is that right?” The deputy tensed his jaw and swallowed. “You mind telling me what your business is here?”

“Just passing through” He said.

“Just passing through” Pete nodded, tapping his feet nervously.

“Is that a crime officer?”

“No-“

“You wanna ask me how I got these scars?” he smirked.

“Uh”

“Cooking fried chicken” he laughed “That hot oil does get everywhere.” He grinned at the deputy.

“Is that right- you folks wouldn’t be carrying any weapons would you?” He let his hand fall onto his holster.

“Me? Not a one sir.” He said.

Pete took a look at the large man who didn’t say anything. Hulking arms framed a large gut and barrel chest with a small head on top.

“Does he look like he needs a weapon?” The man smiled again and let out a breathy laugh. “I’m just foolin’ around, he’s harmless, got the mind of a child- wouldn’t hurt a fly.” He smirked.

“I used to pull the wings off flies when I was a child” The deputy said.

“Is that right? – well I’ll bare that mind.”

“You do that” He said. “You folks have a nice day.” He stood there for a moment trying to think of something else to say tapping his gun belt. After a moment he turned and gave Ethel a worried look trying to signal with his head as he walked out of the saloon.

He walked out into the street looking back still feeling those predator eyes on him. A cold shiver like a knife playfully dragged down his back. His fingers drumming on the wooden handle of his colt. Trying to shake the feeling that it really wouldn’t do any good.

The deputy walked at a quick clip to get back to the sheriff’s station. He entered quickly looking at his gun rack silently thinking.

“H-hey you said you’d get me outta here! A strained nasally whining voice said.

Deputy Pete turned to the source of the noise absent mindedly, it was Bull with his head still stuck in the door of the jail cell.

“Oh right, I was going to see if Ethel had any butter or cooking grease or something- slipped my mind, sorry about that” He smiled sadly.

“S-Sorry?” Bull whined incredulous with his shiny bowling ball head unable to turn and look at him.

The rest of his crew were awake but in varying states of disrepair, battered and bruised all crushed up one side of the cell. As far as they could get away from the clown who lay on his back on the floor looking up at the ceiling fan spinning.

“Well good morning!” Deputy Pete said to the clown. He opened the cell slowly edging around Bully as he was dragged around by it having his head stuck in it.

“N-not so fast!”

“I’m being as gentle as I can be”. He said still looking at the clown “Hey you, you’re released, you can go, preferably as far away from here as possible.”

The clown got to his feet and walked towards the deputy. “The sword”.

“Oh that’s right-“ He stepped out of his way letting him step around Bull before shutting and locking the cell again. Everyone else inside seemed to breathe a sigh of relief seeing the clown go.

“Here take the damn thing” The deputy said letting a little of his nerves show as he took the sword out from under his desk and tossed it on the counter top.

Pookie readjusted his pants and slid the sword into his string belt. “Who took a crap in your cornflakes?”

“You did, you took a crap in my cornflakes- and what in the hell are cornflakes anyway?” The deputy snapped. He breathed out through his nose pressing his lips together “Your buddies showed up.”

“Well why don’t you just shoot’em” Pookie smiled.

“I’d love to but they haven’t done anything yet and I don’t wanna give’em the chance, that’s why you’re getting your clown ass outta town right now!”

“Wasn’t I promised a plate of beans?”

“That was yesterday, this is today.”

“I don’t even know where I’m going, I need a map, supplies a real bed for the night would be good.”

“I can throw you back in the cell if you want, tell your buddies to come right here.”

“NO!” the other men in the cell shouted in unison.

The deputy stopped to look out of the window. “You got any tickets?”

Pookie’s stomach growled.

“I’ll take that as a no- but none of that is my problem and if you’re not outta town by sundown I’ll run you out myself strapped to a mule.”

Pookie nodded and walked out of the jail into the morning sun, struck then realising he had no idea where he was going or what he was going to do. This world was entirely alien to him.

“Hey mister” A high pitched voice said.

Pookie turned shielding his eyes. A tall kid with milk bottle top glasses hopped off the bench outside of the jail licking an icecream cone.

The kid came up to him smiling his freckled face, he had light blonde hair pushed forward on his head. And he was wearing a set of coveralls with an anime robot over the breast pocket. Despite his voice and age he was just a little shorter than Pookie although he couldn’t seem to stand up straight. A chronic sloucher who nevertheless carried himself with an optimistic child-like bounce in his step.

“You’re from the circus right?” The boy gestured with the icecream cone.

“…”

“Wooooww! I know you, what’s your name? Pokey? Banjo? Poopy?”

“Pookie”

“Yeah that’s right, Pookie- I’m like your biggest fan, the name’s Donny.” The boy smirked holding out his hand for Pookie to stare at. “-I watch all your shows when you come to town. I watched the one where you did the thing and you were like …- ya know” He started miming sword strikes with his icecream “And they were like bleurgh, ow my guts haha!” Donny smiled miming being disembowled and catching drips from his melting icecream. “My mom tries to stop me from going but I’ve got my own money” He winked.

“That’s great” Pookie said as he continued to walk on.

“Hey wait, I heard what the deputy said, you need tickets right?”

“Yep”

“What if I brought you breakfast at the saloon- and you can tell me all your cool stories?” He screeched in an unbroken line of dialogue gasping for breath between each word. “Like like like- you could tell me your cool backstory.” He said chasing after the clown trying not to drop his quickly melting icecream.. “Like maybe your whole family was killed by mutant wolves but one of the wolves raised you as their own and then you joined the circus. Or like your parents were from a rival tribe and clowns killed them but one of them couldn’t bring themselves to kill you. So raised you as their own living with the shame to one day have to reveal it in an emotional confrontation.” He paused thinking “Wait that’s pretty much the same story- I guess I’m not a good writer but I bet the real story is much cooler.” Taking a bite out of his icecream and in his excitement instantly regretting it “Brainfreeze!”

Pookie turned.

“So you’ll tell me?”

Pookie’s stomach growled even louder “Sure”

“Awesome!” The kid screamed chasing after the strange clown.

Pookie entered the saloon for the second time but this time the air was very different.

“Oh it’s you again- didn’t Pete lock you up?” Ethel said.

“No that was a different clown with a sword.”

“Oh” Ethel gaped.

“Morning Ethel!” The kid chirped excitedly wafting his icream around before letting a malformed blob of it fall onto the saloon floor. “My you’re looking lovely today”

“Err thanks”

“Can we get two plates of the house special for me and my new pal?”

“Sure thing kid”

The old bint disappeared into the back and Donny excitedly lead Pookie to a booth just to the left of the one he sat at when he first got there.

The kid was practically dragging the clown as he tried to get his bearings in this new ecosystem he’d stumbled into. He looked over in the back where the old men were still dozing and attempting to play some card game. The pool players replaced by the cardboard cutouts of generic pool players laughing and hitting balls at seemingly random intervals.

Excitedly the kid ushered Pookie into his seat which was facing out towards the bar and the exit adjacent to it.

Pookie was a little annoyed by the kids youthful exuberance but he promised to fill his belly so he could hardly protest too harshly. Then as if out of nowhere Pookie felt a sudden crushing feeling, the air in the room getting ten times heavier almost soupy. He could feel the hairs on the back of his neck raising up as if someone or something was sharpening their fangs waiting to pounce. More than that, straining to stop itself from doing exactly that. Every ounce of willpower holding it back from running its necessary course and ripping him apart.

Then there was a sinking feeling and an odd warmth at his back, a cloud moved out of the way of the sun and it cast a huge shadow over his table. A giant humanoid shape.

There was an itching scratching sound and a distinct whispering.

“…not yet… patience”

A low rumbling groan.

The old woman came back with their food and it looked like that might be the cause of the distress. The smell from the kitchen causing some form of mild epilepsy. The kid looked happy enough with whatever it was, possibly roadkill or the road itself. Pookie couldn’t make heads or tails of it. It looked almost like a plate full of yellow congealed earwax. Some hitherto unknown animal species roasted beyond all recognition lying next to it.

Pookie ate with long teeth but only a few bites in there came a hideous snapping sound that he hoped wasn’t anything vital in his intestinal lining. A scraping screeching noise followed, a cold chill swept through as a huge shadow fell like a curtain over the table.

Pookie turned his head leaning over his food to see a giant figure standing over him with a broken table leg in his hand and a cracked penguin mask on his face.

The giant swung with an intense speed and ferocity aiming to pin and obliterate his head against the table.

Pookie leaned back and let the blow annihilate the table leaving only splinters. Acting on instinct alone he pulled the draw string on his scabbard making that odd winding kazoo noise. The blade launched the handle of his sword past the giant’s face. The eyes in the pommel lit up letting out that tinny cringey laugh as the bottom of the blade sliced the side of the penguins neck open.

The clown tried to hop out of his seat holding his sword only partially out of the scabbard in his off hand.

Penguin stumbled, holding onto his neck with his other hand to stop the bleeding. He lifted his enormous arm up for another strike coming down just as hard and fast as before almost as an unbroken chain of attacks.

Pookie swiftly ducked under his large arm and with his sword and sheath fully out of his belt he lifted the bottom end of the scabbard. Tilting the scabbard up allowing the gravity to empty his sword into his hand.

He took it and it laughed again as he jammed it into the Penguin’s chest. Not smoothly but with a ratcheting wrenching motion as he tried to lever the point through layers of muscle and sinew and bone. Going as deep as it possibly could.

The giant didn’t make a sound other than a low heavy breathing as it looked down at the sword sticking out of it’s chest. It dropped the chair leg on the ground with a hollow sound and took a step forward before wrapping both it’s hands around Pookie’s neck. Lifting him off of the ground.

Without his hand there the cut on his neck sprayed vital fluid on Pookie and all over the saloon floor but it didn’t seem to phase him as he kept applying more and more pressure to Pookie’s neck. His hands were so large it seemed like he might just pop Pookie’s head off like toothpaste cap.

Pookie could do nothing but wriggled like a frog pinned to a dissection table. His legs flailing and kicking as he tried to free himself, his hands occupied with trying feebly to remove the hands of the giant around his neck. In the futility of it he let go of the giants wrist and put both hands around the handle of his sword and started to try and wiggle it free.

The giant penguin let out an echoing moan and Pookie felt his grip slackening but still he couldn’t breathe and he was starting to see spots.

He wriggled it harder but it wouldn’t budge, it wasn’t coming out, at least not the way it came in.

Pookie started to wrench it and pull it like it was an awe on a rowing boat. And he was churning up really choppy water full of meat and bones cracking and shifting.

The penguin moaned louder and his grip slackened a little more but still Pookie couldn’t breathe. In his desperation he started to knee the handle and hammer the pommel with his heel driving the sword deeper into the wound. By the time the guard was all the way in his chest cavity was when the penguin finally moaned like an oxen and let Pookie flop to the floor. Coughing and gasping for breath.

Pookie put his legs under him as soon as he had a lungful. The Penguin stood like a statue, his chest heaving, that stupid clown face pommel sticking out of it.

The penguin swayed thoughtfully and put his hands out for the clown. But Pookie wasn’t about to let himself get wrung out like a dirty dish clothe again. He ducked, dipping under one of his arms and turning into a sweeping heel kick hitting the clown face pommel driving it further towards it’s target.

Penguin tilted and swept around with his other hand but he’d become slow, his movements were like he was swimming through molasses. Pookie ducked the swipe again delivered a tight donkey kick on the clown faced pommel driving it further still.

The tip was now protruding all the way out of the giant’s back. He heaved and wheezed like a dog who swallowed a squeaky chew toy. His head hanging low, a light coloured blood bubbling up from under his mask.

But Pookie wasn’t done. He stepped forward quickly sweeping his front leg and spinning in the air to deliver a powerful turning kick to the pommel. Striking it like a soccer ball and launching it all the way through the monster and out the other side. It’s final destination the mirror above the bar, it wobbled spattered blood and other such liquids in all directions as the mirror spiderwebbed on impact. That dumb clown face lighting up and laughing as it shook.

The giant groaned and stumbled and looked down at the hole in it’s chest.

Pookie stooped to peek through at the terrified Ethel who was cowering behind the bar.

“Peekaboo”. He waved through the sizeable cavity in the giant’s chest.

Ethel ducked under the counter.

Penguin fell slow and it almost looked like he was shattering under his own weight, the colossus of Rhodes made grotesque flesh. Falling piece by piece with heavy deliberate sounds like it was raining whole sides of beef for a moment. And then came the silence.

Pookie looked around, covered head to toe in blood. The old coots were continuing their card game under the table. Ethel was peaking up from the bar and the pool players were looking over. The larger one with the broad shoulders just chalking the end of the cue and blowing it over and over.

Pookie mounted the bar and ripped his sword out of the mirror completely shattering it and almost raining ethel in shards of broken glass.

Donny popped up as if from nowhere. “Holy crap that was awesome!” He looked down at Ethel over the bar “Don’t worry old gal, I’ll cover all the damages, I promise. He looked back at Pookie as he cleaned the blood and guts off his sword with a bar mat. “Are you ok? I mean it looked like he almost ripped your head off.”

“Just peachy” Pookie grinned.

He let out a sharp gasp and clung to his side falling off the bar quite spectacularly landing face first onto a bar stool, his sword clanging by his side.

“Holy crap!- Quick, help me get-im to a bed” Donny yelped.

The young lad helped the clown to his feet, and lead by the old woman he helped the dazed man up the ramshackle wood stairs of the saloon. The construction of which was almost that of a tree house, barely holding together with tape and happy thoughts. The walls a bare unvarnished wood patched with rusty sheet steel.

Ethel opened a door to one of the rooms, it was small with only enough room for the bed with a deeply sweat stained mattress. A single chair and a closet at the end of the bed. The floor was bare floorboards with a thin hide rug of some unidentifiable grey animal with six legs.

“Lay him down here”

“Yeah I know how a bed works” The kid smirked as he gradually lowered Pookie onto the mattress.

“This room aint free kid.”

Donny smiled “I’ll cover it.”

“You better” Ethel waddled over to the door “What are you doing all this for, he a friend of yours?”

“I’m his biggest fan” He smirked.

“Uh huh, I’ll be back with some linen and hot towels” She quipped as she waddled down the hall.

Despite her surliness Ethel did return with some sheets but no hot towels or happy ending was to be had at this time.

Donny had some food brought up to him but the clown slept most of the day away in a near comatose state as his body tried to repair itself.

As the sun went down patience started to wear thin. There was a tapping on the metallic roof of the saloon with steel toes. And at the window; a nervous rapping on the glass slipped into the background as a dull metronome. A claw scraped the glass and a hushed voice repeated over and over at a manic pace.

“I can’t wait! I can’t wait! I can’t wait! I c-c-ccan’t wait!”

–

Like this? Wanna read more head on over to inkitt boiiii!

Take the sword part 1

May 29, 2018 0

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Darkly Dreaming Demographic.

Where weird shit hits bizarre fans.

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Ryk Brink

Gage Chapter 9 ‘Wanted Man’

War for the planet of the apes review (y tho savagery)

Diana After Dark Chapter 16 ‘Dark Descendants’

A quiet place – Review

GS2 Chapter 18 ‘Pretty girls make graves’

Real Fantasy by Sonya Gammon (I review sci-fi mommy porn)

Cur Chapter one ‘Who wants to live forever?’

Death Wish (Current year edition)

3 Ring Samurai Chapter 4 ‘Take the sword Part 1’

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